“Happy International Women’s Day!”
This greeted me everywhere earlier this week and I found myself having a lot of thoughts about being a woman, and about not caring that it was some kind of celebratory day. This juxtaposition intrigued me further, and I wrestled with it. Women are wired to be kind, nurturing, caring, loving, gracious, and gentle. We are socialized into believing what this “should” look like in our daily lives and behaviors. And the combination of this hard wiring and socialization means there is an inner conflict for many of us. This experience often breaks and distorts these traits, instead of being kind to others out of who I am, I am kind to them to get my needs met. Instead of being gentle and nurturing because of who I am, I use those traits as a manipulative weapon to convince people I care about them so that they don’t betray me.
What’s worse is that these traits are weaponized against women. We are guilt tripped by mass media, social media, and the entertainment industry to care about EVERYTHING with our whole being. Which maxes us out, stresses us out, and ultimately forces us to fake care by feeding us toxic levels of guilt. This experience seems to be worse for those women who spend a lot of time on social media where it is demanded by other users that they care as much about specific issues as the person sharing the posts. Some of these posts can be defined a “gas bombs” because they call out all those who don’t agree with them by defaming their character for not sharing or posting or virtue signaling or whatever. This is actually abusive and bullying behavior. To be told that I am an “ist” or an “ism” because I do not agree with you regardless of the truth about my character is defamation and abusive. Not to mention that it shows far more of the ugliness in the heart of the sharer than any truth about who I actually am.
These toxic guilt trip storms only get worse when we attempt to put up boundaries. I have been in conversations with more and more women who are navigating this delicate balance between wanting and needing a place online to have social connection, with an increasing need to protect their energy, emotions, and relationships. The struggle has been even more apparent over this past year where we have been reduced to relating online. Even so, we are guilt tripped about wearing masks, “you are going to kill someone’s granny!” We are guilt tripped about letting the government take the last of our freedoms. We are guilt tripped about getting outside for fresh air. We are guilt tripped for not making more of an effort in our relationships because its not like we can go anywhere anyway. And in increasing measure we are guilt tripped for thinking, asking questions, and looking at social issues from multiple perspectives instead of regurgitating the given narrative.
I remember visiting my Gramma a few years ago, the night after a mass shooting at a school, and we were watching these horrors play out on the evening news. When the news ended she waited for Jeopardy to come on, and when the news extended itself with a “special report” regarding the events of the day she asked me to change the channel because “they won’t have any new information, so lets watch something else.” I felt such relief in that moment because I felt guilty changing away from the news, like I was a horrible person for not caring that these children died. But Gramma was right, it was just guilt, and we could care about them and still watch something else. I miss that wise woman so much!
There is a difference between caring, caring less, not caring, and being against something. There are issues and people I care very deeply about and I don’t have must more capacity to love and care for any more than I do. I can find other issues worthy of my concern, but that doesn’t mean I have capacity to actually show my care. And this is ok. I am only one human and no single human has the energy to care for it all! Reality is that I don’t have to pour myself out over and over and over again until I am completely spent, depleted, and burnt out. And I am thankful that there are those in this world who do care about issues that are different then what I focus on. I can show them support and validate their concerns because theirs are as important as mine. But I can also choose how much of my energy, kindness, love, grace, and care I will give to it.
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of caring is cruelty, neglect, and indifference. And this week I have been reminded that I have a tendency to react to guilt trips with indifference, not that I am indifferent to the guilt, but that when I feel people trying to guilt me into whatever, I become indifferent to that cause. I am not cruel about it. I am not hateful, spiteful, or malicious. But I have the ability to just walk away with indifference, and sleep well that night because I know me, I know my limits and my boundaries and it is actually ok to not care as much. This does not make me a horrible human, but an intentional one. Would you rather have someone join your cause because they are guilty and burnt out? Or would you rather someone cheer you on, validating your intentional choice, while living out their own intentional choices? I know who is in my tribe and what really matters to us, do you?
Ready to make boundaries, free yourself from guilt, and live the life you want? Email me at the link below to find out how coaching can help you achieve these goals.
I love snow! I know, soooo many people hate it. But its so beautiful, peaceful, quiet, calming. My favorite is watching those giant flakes float gently to the ground, watching it centers me, brings me peace, and helps me feel grounded. But snow interrupts. It doesn’t matter if you live somewhere that gets a lot or a little, it always disrupts the flow of modern life because we need to move! We need to be places: work, school, the gym, the grocery store, wherever. And snow interrupts the ability to move freely. We are forced to pause and deal with it.
Isn’t that life though? We keep moving, filling our lives with more and more and more until something comes along and forces us to deal with all that we are running from. A friend recently shared a post on instagram that said “Sit with it. instead of drinking it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, eating it away, or running from it ... sit with it. Healing happens by feeling.” (Original post by @twinflame.connections on Instagram, Jan 23, 2021) This is what snow does, it creates the image of a soft, quiet, pure world that forces us to pause in it. So lets pause together. Take a deep breath, in and out, again slowly.
Embrace this moment to pause.
Let the chaos stop.
Stop numbing yourself for a moment.
Feel it.
Feel it.
Feel it?
The process of feeling and releasing pain is such a brutal and beautiful process. Mental and emotional injury is much like physical injury, when we neglect to have a sprained joint, or broken bone, attended to in a timely fashion the problem gets much worse. But because the physical symptoms of our mental/emo injury, or pain, are easy to deny, we neglect them, self medicate them, try to out run them. Which works for a little while, but eventually later arrives and with it the consequences of our neglected pain. This is why we need snow days to force us to pause, change rhythm, and release. And probably a little bit of why so many people hate them.
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I have been MIA for a couple weeks, not because I got caught up in the busyness of Christmas, but because I broke and to heal I needed to take care of me. This meant I had no capacity to put out a blog, I could barely “adult” if I’m honest. I could jump right past what broke me and on to how self care healed me, but the truth is lack of care caused me to be drained, not processing life, grief, loss, and anxiety caused a backlog that combined with two large curveballs and broke me.
This year has been a great lesson to me in ALL the ways I care for me. From the way that I eat, to how much sleep I get, to spending time with friends, to privately processing in a journal. These daily moments are, over all, more helpful and caring than a periodic spa day! It is so easy to equate self care with little luxuries, but it is the kindness and care we show ourselves each day that makes the greatest impact.
So where did I go wrong? My sleep schedule was the first to go. My diet became more erratic. And I was giving a lot, while not receiving enough. I felt the drain and flailed, grasping at air to try not to crash, but I did crash. And I broke a little in the process.
The thing about breaking is that in the process we end up losing something we didn’t actually need to carry. The self carries so much in life. And it collects stuff we don’t need, the weight of it all adding to our burdens, dragging us down, breaking us. The truth I am reminded of in this process is that there is no healing if we don’t first break. Healing requires us to release that which causes pain. That which burdens. The lies we choose to believe. When we don’t allow ourselves to do this difficult work of letting go of what causes the pain, to put down our burdens, and to let the tough truth dispel the lies, we break.
So now what? The root cause of my breakdown was grief. As I walked through December I took account of my year and was overwhelmed by the dreams that died this year. The goals not achieved. Time with friends sacrificed to pandemic compliance. And the deaths of friends and family. It is easy to shake my fist at 2020 and curse it. But these are the struggles of life, not just a year. After identifying the root and grieving my losses I took the time to restore. There was sleep and good food. There were phone calls to friends who support and encourage. I fed my mind, my soul, and my body while rejecting lies about how lazy I am, what a failure I am, and how could this happen when I know better? But this is the truth of this year, as exceptional as it’s been, so many normal things have happened, and we can’t live on the adrenaline of the exceptional. We MUST make choices to keep routine, feed our selves, and to show how valuable we are by valuing ourselves.
I cannot wait for the adventures of this new year! How about you?
