Over the holidays I heard a quote that really challenged me, but that I won’t quote accurately, it was something like “Do the stories you tell in public match how you live in private?” The obvious challenge here is to see if my actions match my words in both public and private spaces. The greater challenge that I find in this quote is to question the stories I tell myself in private, do those align with who I really am and how I live?
Throughout our lives no one talks to us more than we do to ourselves. The internal dialogue we have shapes not only how we view the world, but how we view ourselves, and from these viewpoints we present who we are, or who we think we are supposed to be, to the world in public and private spaces.
It seems to be easy to fake it until you make it, to pretend to be what you want to become, but inside you know the truth and the part of you that so deeply longs to be seen, known, and loved as you truly are does not allow you to believe that you are someone that are are not. This is not to say that you don’t need to change, and grow, and become more tomorrow than you are today, but to say that there is a great value in living authentically and with integrity. It can also be scary, especially if you have often experienced negative responses to the parts of you that you like the most, for example, if you like that you are a kind person, but you have been brutally mocked for this kindness.
As you consider how you want to show up in the world, both in public and private spaces you may hear those negative thoughts race through your mind “you aren’t really kind, you are selfish and only do nice things for others so they like you and do nice things back.” How you handle this inner dialogue will make all the difference as you become who you truly are and create the life you actually want. As a coach this is what I do. It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself and give into those voices, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of what you think is expected of you. I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min session here.
I have found that the only thing that shame does is shut us down. It petrifies us. In modern language petrify typically means fear, and shame does bring fear and anxiety, but it comes from a root word that means rock. Therefore shame makes us like rocks, frozen, unable to move, unable to think, unable to function.
We often correlate the experience of shame with being judged because we don’t know that we have done something shameful until we are told that it is. I am reminded of the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Every night they would take a walk with God, then one night God comes looking for them, they weren’t right there ready to walk, and when God finds them hiding, He asks why they hid. Adam tells him “I heard you in the garden and I hid because I am naked.” God replied “who told you that you are naked?” God acknowledges Adam's shame, and that God wasn’t the one shaming him. God knows what shame does to us! That it petrifies us, which means we are stuck in a place of shame, and being stuck is as bad for us as shame!
The way to get past the stuckness of shame is to first identify the shame. Without identifying why you feel ashamed you cannot face the issue and be set free from it. And that is the second step, to face it. If someone has made you feel shame, then there is something in their words that resonates in you. In the example I gave above, Adam and Eve felt shame for being naked. This was a new experience for them and they didn’t understand what was going on. They needed God’s perspective on the situation, and once they had it they understood why they felt ashamed. If you don’t understand why you feel the shame, then you need to look at it from a different perspectives:
What is true about this shame?
What is a lie?
What can I change about these things?
Why do I believe this?
Change and growth require movement. Shame stops us every time. It trips us up and holds us back. Which is why the third step is to get moving again. You’ve done the work around the shame, now it’s time to show yourself that this shame holds no power over you and move forward to being your true self, worthy of all you work for.
Looking for regular thoughts on becoming a better you? Follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial
