There is a lot of weariness these days. It goes beyond our natural desire to embrace the rhythm of late autumn and get more rest as there is less light, and is continuously effected by the steady stream of everything. Weariness brings to me the desire to be sour about life. It begins subtly, and grows into a negative, bitter root that I must dig out, if I don’t nip it at the start. And then the week of Thanksgiving comes, a week when we are all reminded to an obnoxious level of how fortunate we are and all that we can and should be thankful for. It’s enough to make anyone become even more numb, taking it all the more for granted. It can get comfortably familiar being bitter and numb to the goodness. And when one is comfortable, why change?
This week I’ve been looking beyond thankfulness to contentment. What does it mean to be content? I dug into some of the etymology and it goes make to the Middle Ages when it meant to satisfy a debt. There are different kinds of debts, obviously financial, but we also owe favors, and we owe ourselves a lot of care - if we are honest. And what about satisfaction? Contentment includes satisfaction, how does one feel satisfied when they look around and see... this weird chaos of 2020. I have found three ways to increase contentment: manage expectations, choosing thankfulness, and delighting in the good everywhere we find it!
If managing expectations sounds like the advice you needed before the turkey went in the oven remember that satisfaction starts with you, your personal work, your goals, your desires met and unmet. We all have unrealistic expectations at some point in life! And there are many tools to help gauge the attainability of a goal, such as the SMART Goals acrostic:
Specific - as specific as possible.
Measurable - the achievement can be defined.
Attainable - actually able to work towards and achieve.
Reasonable - practical.
Time based - a deadline that will be met.
While tools like this are often applied in super practical settings like weight loss, a new job or promotion, or whatever tangible task one desires to accomplish, it can also be applied to expectations. Expecting to fall in love in 2020? Well, how are you meeting that expectation? Expecting your mom to behave quite differently than she normally does? While that is specific, you cannot actually attain this goal because you have no control over her behavior, only your own. The more I set my goals for contentment and satisfaction on my own shoulders, my own behaviors, that which I do have control over, the more content I become. The more I set my expectations of others in line with how they behave around me, the less frustrated I am because I expect it, plan for it, and know to speak to it.
Behind behaviors are attitudes and personal stories. A current popular phrase is “speaking MY truth.” So here is some universal truth that influences your personal truth: your thinking influences your attitude, and you can choose the thoughts that you want to entertain, and which ones to let go of! Your thoughts impact your truth. You can change your mind, it is ok. You can choose to be thankful while sick. You can choose to be thankful when you don’t know how the bills will get paid this month. You can choose to the thankful when you don’t know where your food is coming from. You can choose to be thankful when it seems like everyone you know hates you. You can choose because you can. It all sits on what you focus on. I am thankful for the ability to work through difficult situations, I’ve learned that again this year. I am thankful for what I do have, and therefore use it more wisely, and show it more care. Out of thankfulness comes new perspective, new behaviors, new desires, a new understanding of truth.
Alongside choosing thankfulness is delighting in the good! We don’t celebrate our successes enough! Often I don’t identify them, or feel obligated to play them down in a veil of false modesty. Lately the Fatboy Slim song “Praise You” has been stuck in my head:
We’ve come a long, long way together,
Through the hard times and the good.
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should.
Sometimes our celebration seems menial: I got 8 hours of sleep!
Sometimes our celebration is significant: I got the promotion!
Sometimes it is simply pausing throughout the day to acknowledge the good in the day: a kindness; a friend; coffee; something beautiful; something delicious; making a tough, but healthy, choice when tempted with an easy, but unhealthy, choice.
This feels weird in our culture because we aren’t supposed to celebrate ourselves, it’s viewed as being prideful, but in actuality delighting in the good, celebrating success small and large, appreciating and finding satisfaction in the daily, isn’t about having an attitude of pride, but an attitude of thankfulness! Seeing our own success and delighting in it means we are encouraged to continue on in success! It is far more productive than judgement and shame, which lock us up with anxiety. So this is your challenge: set your expectations reasonably, choose to be thankful as you walk, and delight in your success as you go. Try it for one day, and tell me below how it goes!
If you are really struggling here, helping folks do this is what I do. Email me below to set up a free consultation on how coaching can help you grow!
