I see you.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean your childhood was any less painful.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t neglected.
Your mom may have claimed she was doing her best, but as you have become an adult you realize that she either couldn’t or wouldn’t and being incapable is less painful than unwilling, but you don’t know which you want it to be.
You have been told a hundred times how wonderful your mother is, and you wonder who they are talking about.
Your heart breaks daily because of how much you love and care for your children, and it reminds you of all you didn’t have growing up.
They don’t make cards that say “Thanks mom, for keeping me alive until I could do it myself” or “Thanks for trying your best, I learned a lot from all you didn’t do” or “Everyone told me to give my mother a break because motherhood is difficult, but now that I am one I know that I was nice to you in my honesty about your parenting.”
If you have made it this far and want to tell me all the ways I am wrong, then what you haven’t realized is that this blog entry is not for you. This blog is for those women whose mom abused them. Whose mom had a mental disorder that they used as an excuse for all the things they didn’t want to do. For those who grew up with moms who weren’t required to heal and mature and who were told by their dads “at some point you are going to be more mature than your mom and will have to figure out how to be nice to her.” For those who, for whatever reason had to mom their mom, without ever knowing what it even means to be a mom. This is for those who met a woman 6 months ago who has shown them more maternal care than their own mother has in all of the last decade.
To these women I say again, I see you and I applaud you for choosing a different path! For doing the hard work to heal so that you would not break your children the way you were broken. And on this annual reminder of how complicated life and relationships can be, I would like to challenge you to take the time to continue this healing process this Mother’s Day weekend by preparing and processing through these 5 steps:
- Schedule time to not only process the below, but to care for yourself in this process. Prepare by dressing comfortably, gathering your favorite warm beverage, journal, tissue box, and sit in a place where you can emote as loudly, or softly, as needed, and have that person ready to give you a hug and just hold you until you can breathe again, because it is Mother’s Day and the reality is it does leave you that raw, but you have had to fake it. So, here is to not faking it, and gaining some healing.
- You have been told to forgive and forget. This is bad advice because beyond forgiveness there are two options: release or reconciliation. Reconciliation will require your mom to own things that she has done and, where applicable, not only apologize for, but actually show you that she will treat you differently. This process also requires boundaries! Remember when it comes to boundaries they aren’t solely about keeping people out, but by showing them the path back. So as you think this through, take a moment to identify the path back, if there is one.
- Take the time to grieve what you didn’t have that you now know you needed, and deserved. Don’t listen to the voice in your head that says “you are not entitled to _______.” because you ARE entitled as a human to receive basic love and care; to not be made to feel like a burden; to be celebrated for all the wonderful ways you are; to be allowed to take up space; and to live in peace and joy, not fear and shame. Grieve the loss of what you didn't have, and release the shame what you were given instead.
- Consider how you may honestly and freely honor your mother? No guilt trips here! Though you may need to pause and review what it means to honor, not neglecting to see that honoring her may include not permitting her to hurt you more. There are ways in which you can choose to honor her from your healed place, and they do not include trippin by guilt!
- Once you have finished releasing the tears, or as my friend calls them “emotional sweat”, go find your person and get that hug! You are safe now. You are loved. You are delighted in because who you are is wonderful.
Drop a comment below and tell me what change you were able to make this Mother’s Day.
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