I am well aware of what happens while we wait. The hope that keeps us going, until it begins to feel like it is crushing us. The effort we make that seems to go nowhere. The prayers we pray. The angst that feels like it is crushing our lungs. The constant wondering if it will ever happen, knowing that just because it hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it won’t, but it doesn’t mean it will. Carrying this unseen weight into all moments, desperately wanting answers, while knowing that only God holds them.
As a coach this is where I would investigate what is holding you back, all the while knowing that sometimes we just need the grace of time. Grace means unmerited favor, so to be favored with time is an amazing gift, but it doesn’t feel amazing in the wait. In the moment it can feel hopeless, helpless, never ending, crazy, aching, longing, searching, or even an extended dark night of the soul. This is where I find the gift of perspective. It may have been YEARS of waiting, working, quips/proverbs/quotes, and wondering when you will see the results. So more time does not feel like a gift, but you are exactly where you need to be, which means if you need time you need it for a reason … or a few reasons.
In my experience that isn’t exactly comforting. But you aren’t comfortable right now, you are in the season of YET. Part of the discomfort is discovering how little of life is comfortable. Humans do everything we can to get and keep comfortable, we tolerate horrible situations because the known is just comfortable enough, and the unknown is terrifying. For those of us who have stepped into the land of YET, we have discovered value in the discomfort. There are a lot more feelings than just comfort. Comfort can bring laziness, indifference, and an unhealthy tolerance. It is in having the strength, patience, and bravery to sit in the uncomfortable YET, waiting for things to finally work out, that we discover life has far more for us than comfort and happiness.
Here you are in the uncomfortable yet. Discovering that there is more to life. More to you. More to be. Are you white knuckling it? Or are you taking this time to grow, heal, and become the person who is ready to step out of the yet and into the finally? As a coach this is what I do, I help people find perspective and growth in the waiting. I help people overcome that which keeps them stuck. And I can help you too! Click here to sign up for a free 30min sample session to discover how.
Recently I added “It’s All So Incredibly Loud” by the Glass Animals to my current musical rotation. While it is a song about a couple breaking up, the reason it resonates so deeply in me is the language of grief found in the chorus:
“Ooh, I'm breaking down
Whispers would deafen me now
You don't make a sound
Heartbreak was never so loud”
Heartbreak and grief come in many forms. The most obvious is when we lose someone through death, breaking up, or the demise of a friendship. Sometimes we are cut completely out, sometimes it’s a slow fade. And this is when we acknowledge grieving the loss. The less obvious ways we grieve are when we lose a job or an opportunity we really wanted; we have a big change in our lives like moving to another state; when we feel our hopes die; and we even feel grief for not being known or seen as our true selves.
There are seasons of life that may feel like a master class in grief, and if you don’t know what it is then you may battle the symptoms, but not the root cause! You may be familiar with the 5 stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross, they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These are not sequential stages, but identifiable collections of symptoms that we may experience and express during our grieving. These can derail the progress we are making towards our goals, and if we don’t fully process the grief then our progress often is slowed until it is complete.
The reality of grief is that the only way is through, and the best way through is with people around you who can encourage you and help you to move through the grief. It can be easy to overlook and downplay grief when it is not associated with the loss of a person. One of the ways it shows up is as fear. When we grieve the loss of a dream, opportunity, or hope, it is easy to begin to fear that we won’t achieve anything. Or worse, that we don’t deserve our goals because of what we lose along the way.
Think back to a time that you lost something you greatly valued. What did you feel about that loss? Which stages of grief did you walk through? Who in your life helps you to recognize that you are grieving? And gives you the space to grieve?
I hope as you pondered these questions you realized who in your life supports you in the tough times and encourages your healing. When you find yourself getting stuck I hope you are able to move again with the help of these folks because the only way is through, and the way through is together. If you don’t have anyone, or if you are realizing that there are a lot of things in your life that you haven’t grieved and need help with that, reach out! Helping people break through these challenges is what I do as a coach. You can get a free 30min session by clicking here.
We have reached that time of January where the hype of resolutions has faded into the reality of consistency. It is so easy to shame myself for not doing better, or being better, and then I am reminded that shame is paralyzing and does not bring me success. What then does bring success?
Acknowledging the reality of the journey has taught me the importance of self-compassion. It is easy to shame myself when I compare myself to others, but their path is not mine, and when I accept grace and celebrate the lessons I have learned along the way, I am more likely to apply those lessons and make better choices along the way. Recognizing that my journey is incomparable to anyone else's has been liberating. It has enabled me to shed the burden of comparison and embrace my own identity fully, as well as silence the voice of shame.
Consistency is key to make the desired changes in our lives, and the way to generate consistency is to recognize the need for two elements:
1. Small changes.
2. Celebration!
For every big change we make there are a thousand little changes that helped us complete the big change. Economist Thomas Sowell said “There are no solutions, only trade offs.” How I understand this to mean is that our choices are always compromises, we choose a, which means we have to give up b. This is how change happens in our lives, I choose to start the project, that means I’m stopping whatever fun activity I was using to procrastinate my project. And for every time I choose to complete a small step towards my goal, that is one less step in the opposite direction.
I haven’t emphasized lately the importance of celebration! Humans have the horrible ability to focus on the one negative in a sea of congratulations. This is why it is so important to celebrate your wins, no matter how small! I asked earlier this week on my insta page @DeborahSpragueOfficial (give it a follow) “what is one way you cared for yourself today?” and celebrated the wins of those that answered. It is so important to build your success on a good foundation, and that includes accepting your own success. It is so easy to down play it and tell you that you aren’t worth the celebration, and by doing so you will crush your own spirit and stay exactly where you are because you will continue to believe that you are worthless. You are NOT worthless! So start right now and celebrate your successes today, no matter how small!
Coaching people to live their best lives by helping them discover just how worth it that they are, and how much value they bring the world, is what I do. Get your free 30 min sample session here so that you can discover your purpose.
Have you been there, talking about what you do, or hope to do, and people look at you like you are insane. They cannot make sense of how your life and schedule work. You don't stick to a 9-5, or 8-4. Maybe you don't follow the school calendar. Maybe you are a creative person who paints, write, or plays music, and your creative time is 1am. Maybe you are a service provider whose clients work 9-5, so you have to work around that schedule. Maybe you've found a career based on projects and not hours, so you work when you want to, and play when you want to. Maybe you are an entrepreneur and it feels like all you do is work.
The reality of any society is that the "rules" that govern it aren't there to harm, they are there to organize. We know certain businesses will be open from 9-5 Monday to Friday, and can plan accordingly. We know that the children will be in school 180 days a year on some schedule. We have a 2 day break we call a "week end". And lives are organized accordingly. So when you step out of this organization, you are fighting against all societal norms. And you are made to feel wrong. In feeling wrong you may cycle through convincing yourself your abnormal schedule is actually acceptable; and that it is the life that works for you; that you cannot go back to the crushing world you were in before; and that people need to get on your schedule instead of judging you for not being on theirs.
For some it seems easy to plant their flag and say "this is my ground, this is how I live, get over it!" But inside we all need acceptance. We all need approval from those we care about that what we are doing is acceptable to the community, and the world. So what do you do when the life you dream about, that you love, is adjacent to society?
First, be clear in yourself about this lifestyle and for what reasons you have made your life like this. I have a client who is a single mom, and talented artist. So her choice has been to create an art business around her schedule as a mom, one that can be flexible when school is out. One where she can thrive as a person, as a mom, and not pay thousands of dollars to childcare. But this looks like working odd hours, and not 9-5, and there are people around her who don't get it. And that is ok, because she does get it, and it works for her and her family!
Second, acknowledge the relationship that is questioning you. Is this an acquaintance? Then receive their questions as curiosity instead of judgment - even if you hear a judgmental tone. They don't really know you, their accepting of you is broader, of the community, and not a deep, intimate knowing of you and therefore painful rejection. If your dream fits you, works for you, that's all they need to know. But if this a close friend then you have a different conversation. People who really know you can hurt you deeply when they reject you because you have trusted them with so much of you. Most of these folks are celebrating you stepping into the fullness of who you are and how your life choices help you thrive. But for the few, for the family members who just don't get it, you have a choice regarding how much you will let them in on. You don't have to reveal everything to someone who doesn't get it, no matter how close you are. Keep you answers short and sweet, "You know how I enjoy painting, and you really enjoy how my paintings turn out? Well, this is making a living for me, so I'm going to do it."
Lastly, look at the results of your choices. If you are living the life you set out to make, then celebrate the fruit of your labor! If you are still in process, celebrate the progress you have made on your journey! It is so easy to look at how most people live and wonder if you should do the same, don't should yourself, should is a judgement. Maybe you need to keep your day job for a season or two while you get your new life set up, don't neglect your basic needs, nor your dream. These things take time and it's ok. The reality of big changes is that they are made up of hundreds of small changes over time.
Bonus thought: don't let the lie that you aren't doing enough steal your rest. Because your schedule is unique and doesn't align with everyone else's you don't have the rest breaks built in that we have placed in society. It is easy to forget to take a break, and easier to get burnt out. It is even easier to believe the lie that what you are doing isn't really work and therefore you haven't earned rest. The real question is: have you rested enough to perform to the standard you expect of yourself?
I'd love to hear what you are working on, drop a comment below about how you are changing your life, the dreams you are creating, and what struggle you continue to face.
There is a powerful moment in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha where the older geisha is questioning the younger one to find out if their plans had been ruined. The younger geisha looks at her, and through tears exclaims “I am NOT WORTHLESS!” And repeats it quietly, to herself, “I am not worthless.”
Every time I get to this scene I am moved. Sure I feel bad for this young woman who is fighting for her life, success, and some peace. But I feel more for me. How many times have I looked in the mirror and whispered “I am not worthless,” to rebuke the voices echoing through my mind of all the ways I don’t measure up, or the lies others believe about me and repeat to my face - hoping to make them true? Have you noticed that there are people in your life who believe lies about you and tell them to your face hoping you begin to believe them too? That is a difficult discovery. People I thought loved me and cared for me, but they have proven that it is more important that everyone see me as they see me, and not for who I really am. And they make sure that I know they believe I am worthless.
What do you do when you realize that someone close to you is so set on you knowing how worthless you are? First you need to acknowledge that this is about them and not you. Now that you’ve identified this behavior you have a choice: do you speak to them about this and reconcile? Or do you walk away? This is not an easy choice because there are so many factors that only you know. So I give you this challenge: Do I care enough about this person to call them out on this behavior? If you don’t then you may choose to ghost them. But the reality of ghosting is that it is in the silence we are left to believe the lies we already believe, so this person may still walk around telling everyone the lies they already believe about you, and by ghosting them you have only made their story more believable.
Should you value this person and relationship enough to speak to them about the lies they speak about you, to your face and otherwise, you need to be prepared to explain how they treat you hurts you, grace to listen to their why, and being willing to let them walk away. As much as you may want to reconcile, they may not. If you present the offense and all they do is make excuses and blame you for their poor treatment of you, then they have shown they don’t want to be held accountable for their choices, and you can walk away. You may still care about them and want the best for them, but they do not reciprocate, and it is okay to walk away, even if this person is a parent, sibling, or a childhood bff! You do not have to keep yourself surrounded by people who would rather lie about you, and to your face, and are always telling you how worthless you are.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
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