I have found that the only thing that shame does is shut us down. It petrifies us. In modern language petrify typically means fear, and shame does bring fear and anxiety, but it comes from a root word that means rock. Therefore shame makes us like rocks, frozen, unable to move, unable to think, unable to function.
We often correlate the experience of shame with being judged because we don’t know that we have done something shameful until we are told that it is. I am reminded of the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Every night they would take a walk with God, then one night God comes looking for them, they weren’t right there ready to walk, and when God finds them hiding, He asks why they hid. Adam tells him “I heard you in the garden and I hid because I am naked.” God replied “who told you that you are naked?” God acknowledges Adam's shame, and that God wasn’t the one shaming him. God knows what shame does to us! That it petrifies us, which means we are stuck in a place of shame, and being stuck is as bad for us as shame!
The way to get past the stuckness of shame is to first identify the shame. Without identifying why you feel ashamed you cannot face the issue and be set free from it. And that is the second step, to face it. If someone has made you feel shame, then there is something in their words that resonates in you. In the example I gave above, Adam and Eve felt shame for being naked. This was a new experience for them and they didn’t understand what was going on. They needed God’s perspective on the situation, and once they had it they understood why they felt ashamed. If you don’t understand why you feel the shame, then you need to look at it from a different perspectives:
What is true about this shame?
What is a lie?
What can I change about these things?
Why do I believe this?
Change and growth require movement. Shame stops us every time. It trips us up and holds us back. Which is why the third step is to get moving again. You’ve done the work around the shame, now it’s time to show yourself that this shame holds no power over you and move forward to being your true self, worthy of all you work for.
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Family is such a messy topic. It seems almost every day I am talking with someone that is working through issues in their family. Adult children dealing with pain and shame from childhood; or parents attempting to manipulate and control them; or siblings who do everything they can to keep you the same person you were while growing up. It is so difficult to break free when family treats you badly because we are taught that family is first, to keep close to our parents, and loyal to our siblings. But for many of us, our families are not healthy and keeping close only damages us more.
While families do have a deep and unique bond, loyalty can come at a cost. If you are blessed with siblings who have your back, are equally loyal to you, count that blessing! But for those with parents who try to manipulate and control you, and siblings who do the same, willing to toss you under the bus to gain favor with your parent… I see you. Loyalty and family ties cost you dearly. Every hour you spend with your family requires five hours in therapy to recover from the damage. Your friends are better family to you, and saying that feels like the deepest betrayal, but it's true.
The reality of family is that each family has its own set of rules and expectations. Some of these are obvious and known, you will be home at 6 for dinner every night. You will go to college. You will not do drugs. That kind of thing. But there are unspoken rules and expectations as well, like that one sibling can do no wrong. Leave dad alone on Saturday nights because he will be drunk and volatile. Or maybe it’s that you are the family failure and you better not succeed at anything because that is not allowed.
As you discover these challenges you ask “but what can I do?” And the answer is “differentiate.” This clinical term means to identify how I am different from my family, and to become me and not just them. You are like your family in good ways, they taught you things you need in life and it is ok to keep those. It is also okay to be different, to be you, to embrace the life that fulfills you, and keeps you safe. Admitting the truth will set you free. Your family isn’t perfect. You have pain caused by them. You have good from them too. Describing to yourself clearly how your family really is, both the good and bad, will set you free.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help with this, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through the family stuff that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
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As I set up at a cafe to write I overheard a lady say “we need a break from the summer!” There is so much truth in those words! As wonderful as summer is, the change of pace, the social demands, this idea that we need to get as much out of these long hot days as possible … its exhausting! September means back to school, back to routine, different social obligations, cultural and family obligations… It begins to weigh heavy that we don’t get a break, so we have to make one before we break.
Everyone I know is going through something difficult right now. The weight is too much for us to each to carry, so we rely on each other for support. It is a beautiful practice really, but for many of us we need to lay our burdens down and take a break. I can hear your objections already! But… but… but! Here is what I say to all of your objections: You need a break, so schedule one before you are broken. For every 5 people I know going through a difficult seasons, 1 of them has said “It is time to pause.” And then they define what that looks like. Might be as simple as turning off their phone/gadgets for the afternoon, getting outside, and letting their thoughts clear. Might be more complicated: taking 3 months to move across the country and settle in before finding a job and resuming all of the pressures of life. Most of us can’t do that, nor do we need to, but for many of us a weekend unplugged would do a world of good. Don’t think about all that won’t get done while you are gone. Don’t think about how “behind” you’ll be, because you are the only one who is judging your self for that. It is time to vacate! You may have traveled all summer, but did you really get to breathe? Decompress? Process? Restore? Heal? No! Then TAKE A BREAK and seek out those things! Doesn’t have to be a long break, just an intentional one.
A conversation that I have frequently is about how difficult it is to make and maintain friendships as adults. A large part in this is how our time is organized on the daily. The best of intentions give way to what ever is put most urgently in front of us. Where does one meet folks that they connect to? How do we maintain relationships with folks that we don’t naturally bump into on a daily or weekly basis? And how does one organically build relationship in 2022?
The reality of relationship is that we connect with those that value in us what we most value in ourselves. Therefore we do, most often, connect to those who are actively doing the activities that we most often do, because humans naturally organize their lives around that which they value the most. So how come many feel like they are coming up short on meaningful relationships? Is it because they look through the list of people they text most frequently and cannot identify a single one as a “bosom friend?” Or is it that in connecting over one specific area of life that we struggle to connect with these same folks regarding other areas of interest? Humans have a deep need to be seen and known. It is why we long for and work so hard for intimate relationships.
I think the abnormal relationships maintained over social media also magnify this issue. It toys with the brain to have so many “friends,” and yet so few people with whom one has soul feeding relationship. It is far too easy to fall into the habit of passive relationship with folks when we can peek in on their lives through the window of social media, and not actually talk to them about those experiences. We can also justify our own busyness, as well as theirs, by glancing at social media and writing off time spent because “they are clearly too busy for me.” In doing so we devalue ourselves, and their interest in us, as well as devaluing them.
The only person in this world that you can change is you. So a great place to start is to recognize the value yourself. It continues to amaze me how quickly people who aren’t quality walk on in life instead of trying to be my friend once they learn that I know my value, that I reinforce my boundaries, and so they cannot manipulate me and have their way with me. It sounds too simple to work, and yet it does every time!
Another tool I use is to set measurable intentions of friendship. This sounds cold and clinical and not at all friendly, but it can benefit one to assess where a relationship actually stands. Are we just acquaintances? Do I connect with them enough to invest in this to become friends? Are they showing me mutual interest? How does this look in practice? Recently I had a coffee with a friend after she told me for 2 months straight that she wanted to. Initially I tried to schedule a time but she was too busy, so I stepped back because I realized if it really mattered to her she would make the time, and sure enough it happened because we both wanted it, and one of us wasn’t forcing the other. It can be easy to put a friendship off balance, you may need to step back, or you may need to come to a conscious realization of why you are holding back and either step up or step out. Remember that we teach people how to have relationship with us, so if people aren’t treating you the way you want to be treated, and aren’t willing to relearn you, then it is probably time to walk away.
Finally, remember the saying: make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold. It is no small feat to keep a friend for decades. My BFF and I can attest to this after over 25 years of friendship! It is far too easy to grow apart, not appreciate the person the other becomes, resent them for growing when you are not, and vice versa. But there is a great value in someone who sees you for who you really are, flaws and all, and loves you enough to speak truth and life into your best, and your darkest, days. The balance of enduring friendship in this modern age is that it often comes over time and distance. I have some dear friends whom I haven’t seen in years, but we talk as we are able and celebrate what is going on in each other’s journeys, while bearing with and praying for each other in the tough times. The depth of our affection isn’t equated to time spent, but how we each truly care for the other and make that effort out of our affection for the other, not out of what we expect in return.
Friendship isn’t actually easy at any age. We are just more aware of it as we mature and realize what we value most in life and that we want to be surrounded by like-minded folks, and now to make that happen.
I will write more soon. Until then, let me know below how this helped you.
If you are interested in improving your life, relationships, and reaching your personal goals then email me and I will show you how I can help!
I got thinking about Cinderella this week and it struck me that like so many things in life, her choices could have been different, and they would have ended quite differently. Here are three different scenarios and potential outcomes that really struck me:
1. Cinderella could have chosen to be happy that she was invited to the ball, but set no intention of going. She would have been happy, but not much would have changed in her life. Everyone around her would continue treating her poorly, in fact, they would probably treat her worse because she complied with their desires and aligned with their beliefs about who she is and why she wasn't worthy of going to the ball.
2. Cinderella could have gone to the ball, but played a wall flower, just happy to be there, but not dance or anything, just enjoy her night out as a small win, all the while getting home long before pumpkin time.
3. Cinderella is a rags to riches story, as long as you don't read the Grimm version! But it is more than that. Yes, there is the benefit of a Fairy Godmother, but roll with me a minute as I break this down and get back to the reality that Cinderella could have just been happy, instead she chose to change her life.
This fairy tale is of a woman who knows her value, she knows she is worth more than the abuse that she receives, but she hasn't realized the power she has to get out, so she complies with her abusers to attempt to go to a ball that could change her life. But like all abusers the step mother has to keep control, so oh darn Cindy, you aren't ready to go on time! You did it to yourself and now you can't go and its your own fault even though I took advantage of your helpfulness. Like so many victims Cindy cries out in her pain and frustration, and is, dramatically, heard by her fairy godmother, who could have given the answers presented above, instead she chooses to help Cinderella change her own life.
Let's talk for a moment about what would of happened if FGM showed up and told Cindy that she can choose her own happiness and should be thankful that she was invited, even though she was unable to go. We all know a thankful heart is a happy heart! Besides, Cindy has a roof over her head, a room with a fireplace to keep her warm, and she keeps busy helping with the family. Through her tears Cindy would come around to a thankful heart, but a piece of her would die. She would believe, more than she already did, that she deserved the abuse she received, and she did not deserve anything more. And she would stop trying to get free, and die young from the exhaustion of her life.
Cinderella could have taken FGM up on the whole going to the ball, but be back on time thing, choosing only to eat a little, enjoy the sights, and be a wallflower at the ball, returning home early and not risking pumpkin life! This would have been a small win, nothing wrong with those! Reminding Cindy that she is worthy to be treated as well as all the other ladies of the kingdom, but only if she plays by the rules and has her FGM help her when she can no longer help herself. It may be enough to help energize her to change her circumstances a little, but over time it would all fade and she would go back to her life as it was, with the fading memory of a beautiful evening to cherish in her heart.
Neither of these would be a great story, and truly we are only interested in great stories! So here is Cindy, a gal who let her FGM change her life. She took the opportunity to dance with the prince and let her true self show when it really mattered, and when he came for her she welcomed him! There are two perspectives on opportunity: that it is a magical moment that may or may not arrive, or it is a series of choices that brings one to a place of big opportunity and big choices. Most of us don't have the time or safety net to wait on FGM to magically appear. However the universal truth is that opportunity comes from the choices we make and that many people have well-meaning intentions, but they don't fully understand that we are writing GREAT STORIES, they don't understand that our unhappiness is simply that we are made for more and the more we work for our purpose the happier we become. I don't believe that happiness is the purpose of life, but it is a nice part of it! (that's a different blog entry.) Discomfort isn't the worst either, it teaches us a lot about ourselves, and great stories always overcome challenges. And that is why this is a great story, sure Cindy needed help from a friend to do it, but she could have let this opportunity be a nice night, instead she let it change her life. What before you will change your life, and how are you choosing it?
