A conversation that I have frequently is about how difficult it is to make and maintain friendships as adults. A large part in this is how our time is organized on the daily. The best of intentions give way to what ever is put most urgently in front of us. Where does one meet folks that they connect to? How do we maintain relationships with folks that we don’t naturally bump into on a daily or weekly basis? And how does one organically build relationship in 2022?
The reality of relationship is that we connect with those that value in us what we most value in ourselves. Therefore we do, most often, connect to those who are actively doing the activities that we most often do, because humans naturally organize their lives around that which they value the most. So how come many feel like they are coming up short on meaningful relationships? Is it because they look through the list of people they text most frequently and cannot identify a single one as a “bosom friend?” Or is it that in connecting over one specific area of life that we struggle to connect with these same folks regarding other areas of interest? Humans have a deep need to be seen and known. It is why we long for and work so hard for intimate relationships.
I think the abnormal relationships maintained over social media also magnify this issue. It toys with the brain to have so many “friends,” and yet so few people with whom one has soul feeding relationship. It is far too easy to fall into the habit of passive relationship with folks when we can peek in on their lives through the window of social media, and not actually talk to them about those experiences. We can also justify our own busyness, as well as theirs, by glancing at social media and writing off time spent because “they are clearly too busy for me.” In doing so we devalue ourselves, and their interest in us, as well as devaluing them.
The only person in this world that you can change is you. So a great place to start is to recognize the value yourself. It continues to amaze me how quickly people who aren’t quality walk on in life instead of trying to be my friend once they learn that I know my value, that I reinforce my boundaries, and so they cannot manipulate me and have their way with me. It sounds too simple to work, and yet it does every time!
Another tool I use is to set measurable intentions of friendship. This sounds cold and clinical and not at all friendly, but it can benefit one to assess where a relationship actually stands. Are we just acquaintances? Do I connect with them enough to invest in this to become friends? Are they showing me mutual interest? How does this look in practice? Recently I had a coffee with a friend after she told me for 2 months straight that she wanted to. Initially I tried to schedule a time but she was too busy, so I stepped back because I realized if it really mattered to her she would make the time, and sure enough it happened because we both wanted it, and one of us wasn’t forcing the other. It can be easy to put a friendship off balance, you may need to step back, or you may need to come to a conscious realization of why you are holding back and either step up or step out. Remember that we teach people how to have relationship with us, so if people aren’t treating you the way you want to be treated, and aren’t willing to relearn you, then it is probably time to walk away.
Finally, remember the saying: make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold. It is no small feat to keep a friend for decades. My BFF and I can attest to this after over 25 years of friendship! It is far too easy to grow apart, not appreciate the person the other becomes, resent them for growing when you are not, and vice versa. But there is a great value in someone who sees you for who you really are, flaws and all, and loves you enough to speak truth and life into your best, and your darkest, days. The balance of enduring friendship in this modern age is that it often comes over time and distance. I have some dear friends whom I haven’t seen in years, but we talk as we are able and celebrate what is going on in each other’s journeys, while bearing with and praying for each other in the tough times. The depth of our affection isn’t equated to time spent, but how we each truly care for the other and make that effort out of our affection for the other, not out of what we expect in return.
Friendship isn’t actually easy at any age. We are just more aware of it as we mature and realize what we value most in life and that we want to be surrounded by like-minded folks, and now to make that happen.
I will write more soon. Until then, let me know below how this helped you.
If you are interested in improving your life, relationships, and reaching your personal goals then email me and I will show you how I can help!
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