“I saw what was really happening and I didn’t allow myself to be honest about it because the truth felt mean.”
How often do you hold your tongue because it feels too mean to speak the truth?
What is more important: speaking the truth, or being kind when you can only do one?
How much anxiety do you develop when you see the truth but choose to deny it?
There is wisdom, grace, and maturity in being able to hold ones tongue, to choose words well, and to speak life. There is a time to speak, and a time to be silent. And there are times that speaking the truth may feel mean, but not speaking the truth is cruel. The question then becomes, how to speak the truth with grace?
To speak the truth with grace requires understanding that grace means “unmerited favor”, in other words the person you are speaking to with grace does not deserve the honor of hearing these words, and you know it and give them the gift of these words anyway. It can be done in a gentle tone, leaving space for what reaction may come. How? Great question!
When you find yourself needing to have a more delicate conversation it is best to think through the core of what you are wanting to communicate, and the importance of it. I think of the man who said he always tells his wife the truth about what she is wearing because he knows if he tells her she looks good when she doesn’t she won’t believe him when he tells her the same when she looks great. It’s not a comfortable conversation, but it is necessary so that the trust and clear communication can continue. If you are able and willing to communicate uncomfortable truths, risking the relationship, then it shows that this person matters to you, and that you would rather build trust than lie or avoid, to keep things comfortable.
While every situation is different, part of clear, gracious communication is reducing your words to data and facts. It might feel cold, but the more you try to soften it the messier it gets and you may end up saying the opposite of what is needed. This does not mean being brutally blunt! But it does mean thinking out what you are needing to communicate and how to best phrase it. Avoid using the words “should”, “just”, “always”, and “never”. These are judgemental and will raise defenses, increasing the discomfort of the conversation and may end it all together.
For all of the tips that can be given on how to say what needs to be said, the core issue is your own conscious. Knowing what you need to say and what motivates you to say it will guide you through, and if you cannot make peace in your head, then you may choose to live in the discomfort of seeing what is really going on, and not being honest about it. If you need help with this, I can coach you through it! Click here for a free 30 minute sample session.
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