JADEd
I’ve been thinking lately about what it takes to over come being abused. How it is a process that often lands one in a position to continue to be abused, but not as horribly as the first time so it feels better at first, and then you begin to feel crazy and like you can’t get away from abuse. Then you begin to think you are the problem, the toxic attracter of this treatment. Eventually you keep making better and better choices, learning what in you allows abusers in your life, and changing that. This is particularly true of those abused as children. We have victim habits. Habits make a lifestyle, and this is a lifestyle no one wants.
A few years back someone shared with me the concept of “JADE” which is how those who have come through abuse learn to
Justify
Apologize
Defend
Explain
any and all actions of their own, their abusers, and anyone who doesn’t help them get safe. The difficulty in moving out of victimization and into freedom and health is dealing with this JADE, because at some point we need to apologize for our own behavior. We need to defend our actions. We need to explain what we’ve been through so that someone can help us move forward. So I have been thinking: “How does one JADE in a healthy way?” First we need to break down what this JADE really means.
Justify: this isn’t about making it just. Making it fair. Or legally proving something permissible. Its about making excuses for your self, your abuser, and anyone who doesn’t help you get safe. “Well, he wasn’t sober so he lost control and hit me.” It’s the victim making excuses for the abusers actions.
Apologize: The easiest way to determine someone is the victim of abuse is to listen to them apologizing for their very existence. It will break your heart. When a victim has to apologize to their abuser for their abusers actions they reach a whole new level of broken. They are expected to believe that they deserve what they get in response to some irrelevant action. The abuser does not apologize. Does not take ownership of their behavior. And they believe that you got what you deserve.
Defend: A human can only go so long before they realize that they are not always wrong and deserving of this poor treatment. Especially if one is facing verbal abuse. Not everyone gets treated the same, so why is this victim always being attacked? So the victim develops the habit of always having a prepared answer. They become the best defense lawyers in the land because they can defend every choice they make, you might not know this because they might not verbalize it, but in their mind they know every single choice they made and why.
Explain: Sometimes victims need to explain away actions and behaviors. Sometimes they need to explain their defense. Sometimes victims explain things as a reality check. But most often this explaining is mirroring the abusers explaining. The abuser explains why they took the abusive action they did and the victim accepts it, only to wonder why when they explain things they are shut down and their explanations deemed stupid. Desperate to be heard victims explain and explain, and once they finally get someone to believe them hold onto that person because they need them!
To change we must replace behaviors, what we focus on is what we become. So when one finds their self JADEing they need a replacement option. Here are ones I’ve been trying out: Jubilation; Admission; Delegate; Expression. Here is what I’ve discovered:
Jubilation is to celebrate! After years, maybe even decades, of being told how wrong, useless, and stupid one is, it takes a lot of work to learn to celebrate your good! To receive and own how smart, fun, creative, beautiful, talented, encouraging, faithful, patient, etc. that you really are. But the first step is to celebrate the positive truth about yourself that you do believe. This is a painful process because as one goes through they discover just how many layers of who they are have been damaged by mistreatment. But eventually ones language goes from justifying “I realize its kind of silly, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I guess I like that band.” To jubilation “I really enjoy this band! Their sound is my vibe and their lyrics resonate with me.”
Admission: to admit you are wrong. How is this different from an apology? Let’s look at this example: “I’m sorry that I lost my temper, but you really pushed me too far.” That is a FAKE apology. Here is a true apology because it admits and takes responsibility: “I’m sorry for what I did when I lost my temper, I made a bad choice and I am working on making choices that calm me down instead of lashing out.” Then following through. No follow through? FAKE apology. See the difference?
Delegate: this one might seem weird, but to delegate to someone requires trust. If every time you try to trust someone they fail you then you’ve got to check yourself. Victims of abuse are often perfectionists in the hope that if they get everything perfect they won’t be abused. To delegate information to someone is to trust them. To delegate a task to someone is to trust them and accept the result, even if not perfect. To delegate means to come together and I no longer have to defend my lack of perfection. Instead we can embrace and celebrate our best.
Express yourself: This one feels super close to “Explain.” But again, there is a difference if you can hear it, and in my understanding the biggest difference is anxiety. To explain oneself endlessly, not being comfortable in silence, and always having a long winded answer for every action made comes with a great weight of anxiety. But to express yourself. To answer a question clearly and without excess, that is a mature and healed skill. Mark Twain once wrote “I wrote you a long letter because I did not have time to write a short one.” A brilliant concept indeed. A well thought out answer is short and to the point. If you are expressing your opinion, ideas, story, you can be clear about it, you don’t have to reveal more than necessary, or more than you want to. For example: I write this from my friends deck. I can Explain to you why I’m here, it will take a paragraph and the goal will be for you to take pity on me and my series of frustrating events. Or I can express how delighted I am to sit on her deck, under a clear, blue sky, at almost 60* and express my thoughts in this blog. And this is the difference between having to Explain everything, and being able to Express oneself.
I have lost count of those that I know who have been abused in one form or another. In our society we are a bit more aware of it right now as the dialogue in our entertainment media, #metoo, and other voices raise this truth: that humans have a horrible ability to mistreat each other. Humans also have an amazing ability to grow, change, and heal. The work to change and heal is mighty and I cheer on each and every one of you who is doing it!
