Family is such a messy topic. It seems almost every day I am talking with someone that is working through issues in their family. Adult children dealing with pain and shame from childhood; or parents attempting to manipulate and control them; or siblings who do everything they can to keep you the same person you were while growing up. It is so difficult to break free when family treats you badly because we are taught that family is first, to keep close to our parents, and loyal to our siblings. But for many of us, our families are not healthy and keeping close only damages us more.
While families do have a deep and unique bond, loyalty can come at a cost. If you are blessed with siblings who have your back, are equally loyal to you, count that blessing! But for those with parents who try to manipulate and control you, and siblings who do the same, willing to toss you under the bus to gain favor with your parent… I see you. Loyalty and family ties cost you dearly. Every hour you spend with your family requires five hours in therapy to recover from the damage. Your friends are better family to you, and saying that feels like the deepest betrayal, but it's true.
The reality of family is that each family has its own set of rules and expectations. Some of these are obvious and known, you will be home at 6 for dinner every night. You will go to college. You will not do drugs. That kind of thing. But there are unspoken rules and expectations as well, like that one sibling can do no wrong. Leave dad alone on Saturday nights because he will be drunk and volatile. Or maybe it’s that you are the family failure and you better not succeed at anything because that is not allowed.
As you discover these challenges you ask “but what can I do?” And the answer is “differentiate.” This clinical term means to identify how I am different from my family, and to become me and not just them. You are like your family in good ways, they taught you things you need in life and it is ok to keep those. It is also okay to be different, to be you, to embrace the life that fulfills you, and keeps you safe. Admitting the truth will set you free. Your family isn’t perfect. You have pain caused by them. You have good from them too. Describing to yourself clearly how your family really is, both the good and bad, will set you free.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help with this, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through the family stuff that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
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We are in the middle of the Holidays and for most of us they show up with a mixed bag of feelings because as much as we want to enjoy them, we are all too aware of how much we will need to protect ourselves as we visit with family and friends. If you are the scapegoat in your family you are already bracing yourself to be blamed for everything that's not perfect. Here are two skills for getting through this season:
1. Define What Boundaries Are.
Boundaries are the places from where you will no longer give, the disrespect you will no longer receive, and are most often the word "no." Being the kind person you are, you will want to do whatever it takes to keep the peace this holiday season, so setting a boundary and keeping it is scary because it will disrupt that peace for the family, but you will walk away with some peace for your self, as well as more self respect. Examples of Holiday boundaries: not being available for everything, "sorry, can't make it." Letting *that* family member know that if they continue to say rude things to you, your partner, or your kids, you will leave. (and then act accordingly, empty threats aren't boundaries.) Don't stay longer than you are comfortable, you deserve to be comfortable and when it no longer is simply say "Its been nice, but I need to leave now." You don't owe anyone an explanation.
2. Remember the Mine Principal: What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours.
This puts the responsibility for their actions on them, and yours on you. The more you are blamed for the actions of others the more guilt you feel for that which you cannot control, but you are not in control of how others talk or behave, you are in control of you and how you talk and behave. So control your self well, and walk away from those who are not interested in being held accountable for what is theirs.
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