I am well aware of what happens while we wait. The hope that keeps us going, until it begins to feel like it is crushing us. The effort we make that seems to go nowhere. The prayers we pray. The angst that feels like it is crushing our lungs. The constant wondering if it will ever happen, knowing that just because it hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it won’t, but it doesn’t mean it will. Carrying this unseen weight into all moments, desperately wanting answers, while knowing that only God holds them.
As a coach this is where I would investigate what is holding you back, all the while knowing that sometimes we just need the grace of time. Grace means unmerited favor, so to be favored with time is an amazing gift, but it doesn’t feel amazing in the wait. In the moment it can feel hopeless, helpless, never ending, crazy, aching, longing, searching, or even an extended dark night of the soul. This is where I find the gift of perspective. It may have been YEARS of waiting, working, quips/proverbs/quotes, and wondering when you will see the results. So more time does not feel like a gift, but you are exactly where you need to be, which means if you need time you need it for a reason … or a few reasons.
In my experience that isn’t exactly comforting. But you aren’t comfortable right now, you are in the season of YET. Part of the discomfort is discovering how little of life is comfortable. Humans do everything we can to get and keep comfortable, we tolerate horrible situations because the known is just comfortable enough, and the unknown is terrifying. For those of us who have stepped into the land of YET, we have discovered value in the discomfort. There are a lot more feelings than just comfort. Comfort can bring laziness, indifference, and an unhealthy tolerance. It is in having the strength, patience, and bravery to sit in the uncomfortable YET, waiting for things to finally work out, that we discover life has far more for us than comfort and happiness.
Here you are in the uncomfortable yet. Discovering that there is more to life. More to you. More to be. Are you white knuckling it? Or are you taking this time to grow, heal, and become the person who is ready to step out of the yet and into the finally? As a coach this is what I do, I help people find perspective and growth in the waiting. I help people overcome that which keeps them stuck. And I can help you too! Click here to sign up for a free 30min sample session to discover how.
We are finishing the season of graduations, college a month ago, and high schools in my area graduate over the next week - yes, I know how late that is! The reminder I get from graduations is two fold, the first is that from every new beginning comes from some others beginnings end (thank you Semisonic). And the second is that graduations mark the moment where a group of people who have been sharing life together complete that season, and go different ways.
The road of life takes us all different places, and what we focus on is what we become. When looking back across the years it is easy to wonder where someone else went, what they are up to, and why you no longer have a relationship. But what may be less obvious is how much you have changed as you have made the choices that have shaped your life. We are so used to being us that we don’t notice changes unless they are rapid and big.
The reality is that most change happens slowly and intentionally until one day you look back and realize that this is no longer who you are, but who you were. As beautiful as it is to arrive at this place, it is also the place where you will begin to realize that those friends who aren’t growing like you are, or in the direction you are, are a place of discomfort as you struggle to continue to connect with someone whom you care about, but with whom you have less and less in common. At some point if your friend really cares they will ask you, in some form, “where did you go?”
For some, losing relationships that no longer fit is just a part of life. But for others it becomes a painful choice between paying the cost of losing friendships, or paying the price of being the person they want you to be. Each choice costs and brings different outcomes. May we all be so fortunate to be surrounded by close friends who are also growing and seeking the best for each other. But for those friends we lose, and the ones we have not yet grown into knowing, it is a painful, awkward, and isolated season of growth.
It is easy to feel lost in these transitional seasons where you have outgrown one area of life, but are still growing into a new place. Don’t stop! It may look and feel like you are alone, but you aren’t, you just haven’t found your people yet. As a coach I have tools that can help you get there faster. Don’t wander endlessly! You can sign up here for a free 30 min session to see how it works.
Dr. Jordan Peterson said “One of the advantages of being true to your own visions is that you won’t get what you don’t want.” The opposite reality being that if you don’t keep true then you won’t get what you so desire. For many this is the greatest consequence in life, to get to the end and not feeling like it mattered. This is why so many people spend their 30’s reassessing the priorities that they set in their 20’s and why by the late 30’s it looks like they are having a crisis because they make so many big changes in quick fashion.
It is not a crisis to make changes and create the lifestyle that you want.
It is not a crisis to change careers, even if that is leaving the workplace to be a SAHM.
It is not a crisis to move five states a way.
It is not a crisis to align all of your time and money to reflect your values and to stop trying to keep up with the expectations of others.
It is not a crisis to buy chickens and start a garden.
It is not a crisis to get a new car, as long as it is within your budget.
Even if you do all of these things, it doesn’t mean you are having a crisis! Maybe it means for the first time ever you are not in a crisis! Have you paused to recognize the chaos you were living in, the constant conflict with yourself, by living out expectations that didn’t align with your values, with your priorities, and were pulling you further away from your goals?
Or are you that person who is reading this and for the first time you are wondering if you really do have permission to dream, to live out that vision, and to pursue your life in a way that makes your heart sing? Yes, you do have permission.
Where ever you land in this process here are three areas to focus on to align your life and avoid the internal chaos:
- Your highest values. What matters most to you in life? What do you refuse to compromise? What do you want to define you? These are your highest values.
- Your values will help you choose priorities. Throughout life our priorities change and as they change we adjust the goals we need to achieve to fulfill our prioritized values. For example, if one of your highest values is to be a mom, as you let this value set priorities you may adjust your goals to reduce how much you work outside the home so that you can spend more time with your kids.
- Last but not at all least, your faith. In fact, this is probably your highest value, which will definitely influence your priorities. But I find that when I do the work in this order that I expose my true self, my deepest heart, by naming my values and priorities, and then I check them against my faith and what God says about me, and about them. This might feel like double the work, but the resistance I have towards God when I already know what is in my heart and coming from me is less when I realize that He is asking me to give up something I think is so great for something that He knows is far greater.
Like Peterson said, being true to your vision for life will get you what you want. But you won’t have that life until you do the work to get it. What you choose is what you have.
Are you feeling stuck in this process? An endless battle with yourself? Feel like you have to battle everyone else to convince them that you are on the right path for you? This is what I do as a coach, help you navigate the path to creating a life that you can live in the fullness of who you are and what matters most to you. Get your free sample session here.
Have you been there, talking about what you do, or hope to do, and people look at you like you are insane. They cannot make sense of how your life and schedule work. You don't stick to a 9-5, or 8-4. Maybe you don't follow the school calendar. Maybe you are a creative person who paints, write, or plays music, and your creative time is 1am. Maybe you are a service provider whose clients work 9-5, so you have to work around that schedule. Maybe you've found a career based on projects and not hours, so you work when you want to, and play when you want to. Maybe you are an entrepreneur and it feels like all you do is work.
The reality of any society is that the "rules" that govern it aren't there to harm, they are there to organize. We know certain businesses will be open from 9-5 Monday to Friday, and can plan accordingly. We know that the children will be in school 180 days a year on some schedule. We have a 2 day break we call a "week end". And lives are organized accordingly. So when you step out of this organization, you are fighting against all societal norms. And you are made to feel wrong. In feeling wrong you may cycle through convincing yourself your abnormal schedule is actually acceptable; and that it is the life that works for you; that you cannot go back to the crushing world you were in before; and that people need to get on your schedule instead of judging you for not being on theirs.
For some it seems easy to plant their flag and say "this is my ground, this is how I live, get over it!" But inside we all need acceptance. We all need approval from those we care about that what we are doing is acceptable to the community, and the world. So what do you do when the life you dream about, that you love, is adjacent to society?
First, be clear in yourself about this lifestyle and for what reasons you have made your life like this. I have a client who is a single mom, and talented artist. So her choice has been to create an art business around her schedule as a mom, one that can be flexible when school is out. One where she can thrive as a person, as a mom, and not pay thousands of dollars to childcare. But this looks like working odd hours, and not 9-5, and there are people around her who don't get it. And that is ok, because she does get it, and it works for her and her family!
Second, acknowledge the relationship that is questioning you. Is this an acquaintance? Then receive their questions as curiosity instead of judgment - even if you hear a judgmental tone. They don't really know you, their accepting of you is broader, of the community, and not a deep, intimate knowing of you and therefore painful rejection. If your dream fits you, works for you, that's all they need to know. But if this a close friend then you have a different conversation. People who really know you can hurt you deeply when they reject you because you have trusted them with so much of you. Most of these folks are celebrating you stepping into the fullness of who you are and how your life choices help you thrive. But for the few, for the family members who just don't get it, you have a choice regarding how much you will let them in on. You don't have to reveal everything to someone who doesn't get it, no matter how close you are. Keep you answers short and sweet, "You know how I enjoy painting, and you really enjoy how my paintings turn out? Well, this is making a living for me, so I'm going to do it."
Lastly, look at the results of your choices. If you are living the life you set out to make, then celebrate the fruit of your labor! If you are still in process, celebrate the progress you have made on your journey! It is so easy to look at how most people live and wonder if you should do the same, don't should yourself, should is a judgement. Maybe you need to keep your day job for a season or two while you get your new life set up, don't neglect your basic needs, nor your dream. These things take time and it's ok. The reality of big changes is that they are made up of hundreds of small changes over time.
Bonus thought: don't let the lie that you aren't doing enough steal your rest. Because your schedule is unique and doesn't align with everyone else's you don't have the rest breaks built in that we have placed in society. It is easy to forget to take a break, and easier to get burnt out. It is even easier to believe the lie that what you are doing isn't really work and therefore you haven't earned rest. The real question is: have you rested enough to perform to the standard you expect of yourself?
I'd love to hear what you are working on, drop a comment below about how you are changing your life, the dreams you are creating, and what struggle you continue to face.
