I had an interesting experience recently: I didn’t respond to a situation at the level that I require of myself. In short I had to communicate clearly with someone, and I didn’t take the time to make certain I had all of the correct data in clear, communicable form. What ensued was a bit of chaos, which all got sorted out. Upon reflection I called the recipient of this confusing information back and apologized because I believe in taking responsibility for my actions and choices. They were surprised and told me that it was a mess all around and I didn’t need to feel guilty. Those words struck me hard, I didn’t feel guilty at all! I was simply owning that I didn’t make the right choices in the situation and that I am responsible for that and that I will do better in the future.
I don’t know about you, but I have received many fake apologies in my life. I’ve had people blame me for their actions and words while apologizing to me - FAKE! I have received many of the “I’m only sorry that I got caught” FAKE apologies. A true apology requires ownership, responsibility, and identifying the poor choice made, and the accountable truth that one will make better choices in the future. A TRUE APOLOGY DOES NOT REQUIRE GUILT!!! Though it can alleviate it.
However this did get me thinking about how guilt works, more often than not when I experience guilt I have no desire to apologize, I am not motivated to reconcile or to acknowledge my part in what went wrong. I know this comes from my personal history, I have survived abusive relationships and the amount of guilt, guilt trips, and guilt related manipulation when in an abusive relationship is overwhelming. When I begin to feel guilt my fight or flight kicks in, not my personal responsibility. I’ve also learned that it takes a huge amount of maturity and grace to say “I am still learning, this is something I realize I didn’t do well, or correctly, and I will strive to not repeat this mistake.“ It takes even more humility to ask for forgiveness. Does anyone ask for forgiveness anymore? That seemed to go away when everyone started saying “stop judging me!” But thats a blog for a different day, and maybe one I’ve already written.
I challenge you that as you go through this week be aware of your reactions to circumstances, and then the responses you choose in them. Where is that coming from? Is it guilt? Or are you free to take responsibility for what you did and in owning it, apologize to those you wronged, and move forward. Welcome to maturity.
