I see you.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean your childhood was any less painful.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t neglected.
Your mom may have claimed she was doing her best, but as you have become an adult you realize that she either couldn’t or wouldn’t and being incapable is less painful than unwilling, but you don’t know which you want it to be.
You have been told a hundred times how wonderful your mother is, and you wonder who they are talking about.
Your heart breaks daily because of how much you love and care for your children, and it reminds you of all you didn’t have growing up.
They don’t make cards that say “Thanks mom, for keeping me alive until I could do it myself” or “Thanks for trying your best, I learned a lot from all you didn’t do” or “Everyone told me to give my mother a break because motherhood is difficult, but now that I am one I know that I was nice to you in my honesty about your parenting.”
If you have made it this far and want to tell me all the ways I am wrong, then what you haven’t realized is that this blog entry is not for you. This blog is for those women whose mom abused them. Whose mom had a mental disorder that they used as an excuse for all the things they didn’t want to do. For those who grew up with moms who weren’t required to heal and mature and who were told by their dads “at some point you are going to be more mature than your mom and will have to figure out how to be nice to her.” For those who, for whatever reason had to mom their mom, without ever knowing what it even means to be a mom. This is for those who met a woman 6 months ago who has shown them more maternal care than their own mother has in all of the last decade.
To these women I say again, I see you and I applaud you for choosing a different path! For doing the hard work to heal so that you would not break your children the way you were broken. And on this annual reminder of how complicated life and relationships can be, I would like to challenge you to take the time to continue this healing process this Mother’s Day weekend by preparing and processing through these 5 steps:
- Schedule time to not only process the below, but to care for yourself in this process. Prepare by dressing comfortably, gathering your favorite warm beverage, journal, tissue box, and sit in a place where you can emote as loudly, or softly, as needed, and have that person ready to give you a hug and just hold you until you can breathe again, because it is Mother’s Day and the reality is it does leave you that raw, but you have had to fake it. So, here is to not faking it, and gaining some healing.
- You have been told to forgive and forget. This is bad advice because beyond forgiveness there are two options: release or reconciliation. Reconciliation will require your mom to own things that she has done and, where applicable, not only apologize for, but actually show you that she will treat you differently. This process also requires boundaries! Remember when it comes to boundaries they aren’t solely about keeping people out, but by showing them the path back. So as you think this through, take a moment to identify the path back, if there is one.
- Take the time to grieve what you didn’t have that you now know you needed, and deserved. Don’t listen to the voice in your head that says “you are not entitled to _______.” because you ARE entitled as a human to receive basic love and care; to not be made to feel like a burden; to be celebrated for all the wonderful ways you are; to be allowed to take up space; and to live in peace and joy, not fear and shame. Grieve the loss of what you didn't have, and release the shame what you were given instead.
- Consider how you may honestly and freely honor your mother? No guilt trips here! Though you may need to pause and review what it means to honor, not neglecting to see that honoring her may include not permitting her to hurt you more. There are ways in which you can choose to honor her from your healed place, and they do not include trippin by guilt!
- Once you have finished releasing the tears, or as my friend calls them “emotional sweat”, go find your person and get that hug! You are safe now. You are loved. You are delighted in because who you are is wonderful.
Drop a comment below and tell me what change you were able to make this Mother’s Day.
“I saw what was really happening and I didn’t allow myself to be honest about it because the truth felt mean.”
How often do you hold your tongue because it feels too mean to speak the truth?
What is more important: speaking the truth, or being kind when you can only do one?
How much anxiety do you develop when you see the truth but choose to deny it?
There is wisdom, grace, and maturity in being able to hold ones tongue, to choose words well, and to speak life. There is a time to speak, and a time to be silent. And there are times that speaking the truth may feel mean, but not speaking the truth is cruel. The question then becomes, how to speak the truth with grace?
To speak the truth with grace requires understanding that grace means “unmerited favor”, in other words the person you are speaking to with grace does not deserve the honor of hearing these words, and you know it and give them the gift of these words anyway. It can be done in a gentle tone, leaving space for what reaction may come. How? Great question!
When you find yourself needing to have a more delicate conversation it is best to think through the core of what you are wanting to communicate, and the importance of it. I think of the man who said he always tells his wife the truth about what she is wearing because he knows if he tells her she looks good when she doesn’t she won’t believe him when he tells her the same when she looks great. It’s not a comfortable conversation, but it is necessary so that the trust and clear communication can continue. If you are able and willing to communicate uncomfortable truths, risking the relationship, then it shows that this person matters to you, and that you would rather build trust than lie or avoid, to keep things comfortable.
While every situation is different, part of clear, gracious communication is reducing your words to data and facts. It might feel cold, but the more you try to soften it the messier it gets and you may end up saying the opposite of what is needed. This does not mean being brutally blunt! But it does mean thinking out what you are needing to communicate and how to best phrase it. Avoid using the words “should”, “just”, “always”, and “never”. These are judgemental and will raise defenses, increasing the discomfort of the conversation and may end it all together.
For all of the tips that can be given on how to say what needs to be said, the core issue is your own conscious. Knowing what you need to say and what motivates you to say it will guide you through, and if you cannot make peace in your head, then you may choose to live in the discomfort of seeing what is really going on, and not being honest about it. If you need help with this, I can coach you through it! Click here for a free 30 minute sample session.
Family is such a messy topic. It seems almost every day I am talking with someone that is working through issues in their family. Adult children dealing with pain and shame from childhood; or parents attempting to manipulate and control them; or siblings who do everything they can to keep you the same person you were while growing up. It is so difficult to break free when family treats you badly because we are taught that family is first, to keep close to our parents, and loyal to our siblings. But for many of us, our families are not healthy and keeping close only damages us more.
While families do have a deep and unique bond, loyalty can come at a cost. If you are blessed with siblings who have your back, are equally loyal to you, count that blessing! But for those with parents who try to manipulate and control you, and siblings who do the same, willing to toss you under the bus to gain favor with your parent… I see you. Loyalty and family ties cost you dearly. Every hour you spend with your family requires five hours in therapy to recover from the damage. Your friends are better family to you, and saying that feels like the deepest betrayal, but it's true.
The reality of family is that each family has its own set of rules and expectations. Some of these are obvious and known, you will be home at 6 for dinner every night. You will go to college. You will not do drugs. That kind of thing. But there are unspoken rules and expectations as well, like that one sibling can do no wrong. Leave dad alone on Saturday nights because he will be drunk and volatile. Or maybe it’s that you are the family failure and you better not succeed at anything because that is not allowed.
As you discover these challenges you ask “but what can I do?” And the answer is “differentiate.” This clinical term means to identify how I am different from my family, and to become me and not just them. You are like your family in good ways, they taught you things you need in life and it is ok to keep those. It is also okay to be different, to be you, to embrace the life that fulfills you, and keeps you safe. Admitting the truth will set you free. Your family isn’t perfect. You have pain caused by them. You have good from them too. Describing to yourself clearly how your family really is, both the good and bad, will set you free.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help with this, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through the family stuff that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
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We are in the middle of the Holidays and for most of us they show up with a mixed bag of feelings because as much as we want to enjoy them, we are all too aware of how much we will need to protect ourselves as we visit with family and friends. If you are the scapegoat in your family you are already bracing yourself to be blamed for everything that's not perfect. Here are two skills for getting through this season:
1. Define What Boundaries Are.
Boundaries are the places from where you will no longer give, the disrespect you will no longer receive, and are most often the word "no." Being the kind person you are, you will want to do whatever it takes to keep the peace this holiday season, so setting a boundary and keeping it is scary because it will disrupt that peace for the family, but you will walk away with some peace for your self, as well as more self respect. Examples of Holiday boundaries: not being available for everything, "sorry, can't make it." Letting *that* family member know that if they continue to say rude things to you, your partner, or your kids, you will leave. (and then act accordingly, empty threats aren't boundaries.) Don't stay longer than you are comfortable, you deserve to be comfortable and when it no longer is simply say "Its been nice, but I need to leave now." You don't owe anyone an explanation.
2. Remember the Mine Principal: What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours.
This puts the responsibility for their actions on them, and yours on you. The more you are blamed for the actions of others the more guilt you feel for that which you cannot control, but you are not in control of how others talk or behave, you are in control of you and how you talk and behave. So control your self well, and walk away from those who are not interested in being held accountable for what is theirs.
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