We are finishing the season of graduations, college a month ago, and high schools in my area graduate over the next week - yes, I know how late that is! The reminder I get from graduations is two fold, the first is that from every new beginning comes from some others beginnings end (thank you Semisonic). And the second is that graduations mark the moment where a group of people who have been sharing life together complete that season, and go different ways.
The road of life takes us all different places, and what we focus on is what we become. When looking back across the years it is easy to wonder where someone else went, what they are up to, and why you no longer have a relationship. But what may be less obvious is how much you have changed as you have made the choices that have shaped your life. We are so used to being us that we don’t notice changes unless they are rapid and big.
The reality is that most change happens slowly and intentionally until one day you look back and realize that this is no longer who you are, but who you were. As beautiful as it is to arrive at this place, it is also the place where you will begin to realize that those friends who aren’t growing like you are, or in the direction you are, are a place of discomfort as you struggle to continue to connect with someone whom you care about, but with whom you have less and less in common. At some point if your friend really cares they will ask you, in some form, “where did you go?”
For some, losing relationships that no longer fit is just a part of life. But for others it becomes a painful choice between paying the cost of losing friendships, or paying the price of being the person they want you to be. Each choice costs and brings different outcomes. May we all be so fortunate to be surrounded by close friends who are also growing and seeking the best for each other. But for those friends we lose, and the ones we have not yet grown into knowing, it is a painful, awkward, and isolated season of growth.
It is easy to feel lost in these transitional seasons where you have outgrown one area of life, but are still growing into a new place. Don’t stop! It may look and feel like you are alone, but you aren’t, you just haven’t found your people yet. As a coach I have tools that can help you get there faster. Don’t wander endlessly! You can sign up here for a free 30 min session to see how it works.
Grief is one of those deeply personal experiences because no one has your exact life story. Which means when the grief hits you are acutely aware of how alone you can be in life. As we enter Memorial Day weekend it is super easy to focus on all the summery activities and obligations. Graduations are happening, along with their celebrations. The warmth of the season pulls us back out into nature. And we forget that this holiday was set after World War 2 to remember those that died serving our country in war.
My Grandfather served in Korea, one of the core memories that I have is of him standing in his kitchen staring out the window, while smoking a cigar and sipping coffee. He wouldn’t talk about what was on his mind, men of his generation didn’t do that. But it was on his face, the ache of the losses he had faced throughout his life. Losses that extended beyond losing friends in war, his parents, siblings, and even a daughter. For the weight of grief is also in the losses we don’t acknowledge as a culture or community.
When someone dies we gather as a community to celebrate their life, and to grieve together. When a beloved pet passes those who are closest to us come around us to help us grieve the loss and adjust to the void. When we lose a job someone may observe that we need to grieve it, but mostly we are told to learn from it and move on. I have found that in all that we grieve the common thread is grieving what will never be. My Grandfather ached for the men with whom he would not be able to talk to again. We ache for the pet that no longer greets us. We ache for the lost opportunities that come with losing a job. We ache for our children who don’t have the opportunities we hoped for them. We ache for the relationships we haven’t been able to keep. We grieve the loss of our dreams, all we hoped for that will never be. We grieve.
What makes it good? Grief can be such a delicately complicated web. Only the one who weaves it knows which are the sticky threads. One of those sticky threads is the painful reality that in losing a good thing, we also lose some bad. There seems to be an unspoken rule when someone dies that we aren’t allowed to speak poorly of them, even if it is true. When we lose a job we want to speak poorly of those that did the firing, but what about the parts of the job that you won’t miss? When you lose a friendship, what about that person leaving your life is healing to you?
I have learned that the good in grief is the process of letting go allows for healing that I never expected to receive. Part of the ache of loss is the breaking of oneself, and watching that heal and restore, and begin to shine in new ways is the good! The only way through grief is to keep moving, and that movement itself feels like it is adding pain! But it is this movement that realigns us. This realignment forces us to let go of hopes; dreams; experiences we won’t share; expectations that we have of ourselves; we let go of the guilt and shame caused by the person or experience; and we begin to gain new perspectives that leave us forever changed.
The good in grief is rarely seen while grieving. It is found on the other side, when you look in the mirror and see that you are living in greater alignment with who you truly are and what matters most to you. So whatever is breaking you today in grief, know that you are in a process of transformation and you won’t reach butterfly if you don’t first break completely down into the cocoon. Trusting this process can be scary, brutal, and very difficult if you don’t have people around you to walk you through. As a coach it is my honor to walk with people through different seasons to support their growth and alignment. If you want to know more you can sign up here for a free 30 minute session to learn how I can help you through your transforming grief.
Recently I added “It’s All So Incredibly Loud” by the Glass Animals to my current musical rotation. While it is a song about a couple breaking up, the reason it resonates so deeply in me is the language of grief found in the chorus:
“Ooh, I'm breaking down
Whispers would deafen me now
You don't make a sound
Heartbreak was never so loud”
Heartbreak and grief come in many forms. The most obvious is when we lose someone through death, breaking up, or the demise of a friendship. Sometimes we are cut completely out, sometimes it’s a slow fade. And this is when we acknowledge grieving the loss. The less obvious ways we grieve are when we lose a job or an opportunity we really wanted; we have a big change in our lives like moving to another state; when we feel our hopes die; and we even feel grief for not being known or seen as our true selves.
There are seasons of life that may feel like a master class in grief, and if you don’t know what it is then you may battle the symptoms, but not the root cause! You may be familiar with the 5 stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross, they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These are not sequential stages, but identifiable collections of symptoms that we may experience and express during our grieving. These can derail the progress we are making towards our goals, and if we don’t fully process the grief then our progress often is slowed until it is complete.
The reality of grief is that the only way is through, and the best way through is with people around you who can encourage you and help you to move through the grief. It can be easy to overlook and downplay grief when it is not associated with the loss of a person. One of the ways it shows up is as fear. When we grieve the loss of a dream, opportunity, or hope, it is easy to begin to fear that we won’t achieve anything. Or worse, that we don’t deserve our goals because of what we lose along the way.
Think back to a time that you lost something you greatly valued. What did you feel about that loss? Which stages of grief did you walk through? Who in your life helps you to recognize that you are grieving? And gives you the space to grieve?
I hope as you pondered these questions you realized who in your life supports you in the tough times and encourages your healing. When you find yourself getting stuck I hope you are able to move again with the help of these folks because the only way is through, and the way through is together. If you don’t have anyone, or if you are realizing that there are a lot of things in your life that you haven’t grieved and need help with that, reach out! Helping people break through these challenges is what I do as a coach. You can get a free 30min session by clicking here.
When talking with my clients about their job or career I often hear their internal battle as: I don’t love what I do, but I cannot quit because I have nowhere to go. By this they suggest that they don’t know where they want to go, only that it’s not here. I have learned that when people feel stuck in a career, are burnt out, wanting out, and hating it, they have a disconnect inside that is causing this struggle.
It is normal to want our work to have a sense of purpose and intentionality. We want work that is honest, ethical, and grounded in values that are in line with our personal beliefs. Most of all, we want to be interested in our field of work. That whole idea of “love what you do and you will never work a day in your life” isn’t entirely true, and we know it, but the truth in the sentiment is that when you are passionate about what you do, you will remain engaged with it. If your beliefs, faith, and values give you a purpose for life, it is only natural to want to implement this purpose, or calling, into your life. We spend so many hours each week working, it only makes sense to make money in this area.
If you read this and think “but i don’t know what I am passionate about!” You are not alone! I recently had a client bring me this challenge. In such moments I bring clients back to what matters most to them. What are your values?
When you think of your preferred lifestyle, what does that look like?
What makes you happy that you don’t want demands on?
When you sit to think about who you really are and what purpose you have in this world, or what calling you have by faith, what is it?
How can you make a difference in the lives of others while providing for yourself and pursuing your own passion?
As you take a few minutes to ponder each of these questions, what did you learn about yourself? Please share below! I enjoy helping people identify their passion and create a lifestyle that is authentic to who they are. I look forward to hearing how this helps you on your way.
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One of the great lessons on my healing journey has been to realize that even though the pain from a prolonged struggle means that I am able to handle far more than I’ll let on, I don’t have to. I don’t have to continue to put myself into situations of intense stress and anxiety; verbal abuse; or worse. If I find myself in that kind of environment, I have permission to get out, and so do you.
It is difficult to heal in the place that wounded you. It is even more difficult to heal in a place that continues to reinjure you. Having walked along side abuse survivors I have observed time and again how they get out of horrific abuse, and find themselves in another abusive situation to a lesser degree. This is often repeated until they can get to a place that is more healthy than abusive. (Lets be real, in this world it is very difficult to get away from people who are all too happy to get ahead at whatever it costs everyone else as long as they are fine.) Where ever you are on your journey, don’t give up! Here are a couple thoughts on moving forward:
Remember that you are exactly where you need to be on your journey! However you got here is a path uniquely yours, and you have made it! Gold Star!!! ⭐️ Celebrate the progress you have made because you’ve made it! You have done the hard work, made the tough choices, walked away from those whom seek to harm you, and have worked to create a safe environment for yourself. You have released volumes of emotions via tears, screaming, and maybe even punching even if it was just the air. And you have made it here. Do not compare your journey to anyone else, for yours is yours alone, and theirs is theirs.
Don’t stay here! Take the step in front of you, and don’t worry about the whole road. It is so easy to get caught up in where we want to be that we neglect what needs to be done here and now to get us there. Don’t worry about the next mile, focus on the step in front of you and the work to be done here. If you are feeling stuck reach out for help. You’ve got this.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through all that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
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