We are finishing the season of graduations, college a month ago, and high schools in my area graduate over the next week - yes, I know how late that is! The reminder I get from graduations is two fold, the first is that from every new beginning comes from some others beginnings end (thank you Semisonic). And the second is that graduations mark the moment where a group of people who have been sharing life together complete that season, and go different ways.
The road of life takes us all different places, and what we focus on is what we become. When looking back across the years it is easy to wonder where someone else went, what they are up to, and why you no longer have a relationship. But what may be less obvious is how much you have changed as you have made the choices that have shaped your life. We are so used to being us that we don’t notice changes unless they are rapid and big.
The reality is that most change happens slowly and intentionally until one day you look back and realize that this is no longer who you are, but who you were. As beautiful as it is to arrive at this place, it is also the place where you will begin to realize that those friends who aren’t growing like you are, or in the direction you are, are a place of discomfort as you struggle to continue to connect with someone whom you care about, but with whom you have less and less in common. At some point if your friend really cares they will ask you, in some form, “where did you go?”
For some, losing relationships that no longer fit is just a part of life. But for others it becomes a painful choice between paying the cost of losing friendships, or paying the price of being the person they want you to be. Each choice costs and brings different outcomes. May we all be so fortunate to be surrounded by close friends who are also growing and seeking the best for each other. But for those friends we lose, and the ones we have not yet grown into knowing, it is a painful, awkward, and isolated season of growth.
It is easy to feel lost in these transitional seasons where you have outgrown one area of life, but are still growing into a new place. Don’t stop! It may look and feel like you are alone, but you aren’t, you just haven’t found your people yet. As a coach I have tools that can help you get there faster. Don’t wander endlessly! You can sign up here for a free 30 min session to see how it works.
Grief is one of those deeply personal experiences because no one has your exact life story. Which means when the grief hits you are acutely aware of how alone you can be in life. As we enter Memorial Day weekend it is super easy to focus on all the summery activities and obligations. Graduations are happening, along with their celebrations. The warmth of the season pulls us back out into nature. And we forget that this holiday was set after World War 2 to remember those that died serving our country in war.
My Grandfather served in Korea, one of the core memories that I have is of him standing in his kitchen staring out the window, while smoking a cigar and sipping coffee. He wouldn’t talk about what was on his mind, men of his generation didn’t do that. But it was on his face, the ache of the losses he had faced throughout his life. Losses that extended beyond losing friends in war, his parents, siblings, and even a daughter. For the weight of grief is also in the losses we don’t acknowledge as a culture or community.
When someone dies we gather as a community to celebrate their life, and to grieve together. When a beloved pet passes those who are closest to us come around us to help us grieve the loss and adjust to the void. When we lose a job someone may observe that we need to grieve it, but mostly we are told to learn from it and move on. I have found that in all that we grieve the common thread is grieving what will never be. My Grandfather ached for the men with whom he would not be able to talk to again. We ache for the pet that no longer greets us. We ache for the lost opportunities that come with losing a job. We ache for our children who don’t have the opportunities we hoped for them. We ache for the relationships we haven’t been able to keep. We grieve the loss of our dreams, all we hoped for that will never be. We grieve.
What makes it good? Grief can be such a delicately complicated web. Only the one who weaves it knows which are the sticky threads. One of those sticky threads is the painful reality that in losing a good thing, we also lose some bad. There seems to be an unspoken rule when someone dies that we aren’t allowed to speak poorly of them, even if it is true. When we lose a job we want to speak poorly of those that did the firing, but what about the parts of the job that you won’t miss? When you lose a friendship, what about that person leaving your life is healing to you?
I have learned that the good in grief is the process of letting go allows for healing that I never expected to receive. Part of the ache of loss is the breaking of oneself, and watching that heal and restore, and begin to shine in new ways is the good! The only way through grief is to keep moving, and that movement itself feels like it is adding pain! But it is this movement that realigns us. This realignment forces us to let go of hopes; dreams; experiences we won’t share; expectations that we have of ourselves; we let go of the guilt and shame caused by the person or experience; and we begin to gain new perspectives that leave us forever changed.
The good in grief is rarely seen while grieving. It is found on the other side, when you look in the mirror and see that you are living in greater alignment with who you truly are and what matters most to you. So whatever is breaking you today in grief, know that you are in a process of transformation and you won’t reach butterfly if you don’t first break completely down into the cocoon. Trusting this process can be scary, brutal, and very difficult if you don’t have people around you to walk you through. As a coach it is my honor to walk with people through different seasons to support their growth and alignment. If you want to know more you can sign up here for a free 30 minute session to learn how I can help you through your transforming grief.
“I saw what was really happening and I didn’t allow myself to be honest about it because the truth felt mean.”
How often do you hold your tongue because it feels too mean to speak the truth?
What is more important: speaking the truth, or being kind when you can only do one?
How much anxiety do you develop when you see the truth but choose to deny it?
There is wisdom, grace, and maturity in being able to hold ones tongue, to choose words well, and to speak life. There is a time to speak, and a time to be silent. And there are times that speaking the truth may feel mean, but not speaking the truth is cruel. The question then becomes, how to speak the truth with grace?
To speak the truth with grace requires understanding that grace means “unmerited favor”, in other words the person you are speaking to with grace does not deserve the honor of hearing these words, and you know it and give them the gift of these words anyway. It can be done in a gentle tone, leaving space for what reaction may come. How? Great question!
When you find yourself needing to have a more delicate conversation it is best to think through the core of what you are wanting to communicate, and the importance of it. I think of the man who said he always tells his wife the truth about what she is wearing because he knows if he tells her she looks good when she doesn’t she won’t believe him when he tells her the same when she looks great. It’s not a comfortable conversation, but it is necessary so that the trust and clear communication can continue. If you are able and willing to communicate uncomfortable truths, risking the relationship, then it shows that this person matters to you, and that you would rather build trust than lie or avoid, to keep things comfortable.
While every situation is different, part of clear, gracious communication is reducing your words to data and facts. It might feel cold, but the more you try to soften it the messier it gets and you may end up saying the opposite of what is needed. This does not mean being brutally blunt! But it does mean thinking out what you are needing to communicate and how to best phrase it. Avoid using the words “should”, “just”, “always”, and “never”. These are judgemental and will raise defenses, increasing the discomfort of the conversation and may end it all together.
For all of the tips that can be given on how to say what needs to be said, the core issue is your own conscious. Knowing what you need to say and what motivates you to say it will guide you through, and if you cannot make peace in your head, then you may choose to live in the discomfort of seeing what is really going on, and not being honest about it. If you need help with this, I can coach you through it! Click here for a free 30 minute sample session.
What is it about how we women were raised that we are willing to wobble so easily on our boundaries? Is it the fear that we will be viewed as cruel for holding them? Is it our nurturing way to want to forgive, heal, and help them grow so they can come back into our lives? Or is it the doubt we have of ourselves?
I heard a great description of boundaries the other day, it’s not just the wall you put up, but the door that lets people in. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they are about helping them understand how to be a part of your life. So if you feel like you are cruel, rude, or a snob for having boundaries, check that with this question: do I have a way for them to get in? Not sneak in, but a path in that includes the behaviors that you need to see in them so that you can begin to trust them? If there is no path back then it is not a boundary, but a cut off, which doesn’t allow for either of you to grow. Hence the need for a path back in through growth and change.
I have had the pleasure of living in different areas of the USA long enough to really engage with the various cultures, and this next struggle looks different based on how you were raised, but as women we want to see the best in people, we want to see them live their best lives, we want to see them grow and thrive, its the nurturing in us. But we also have a bad habit of not giving things enough time to grow. It takes time to grow and change behavior, and it is easier to fake change than actually change. The proof is in the pudding, so wait for the pudding before wobbling your boundary.
This last question can be a whole blog series! And maybe I will. But for today, I am asking me this question too: Is this real, or am I doubting what I know? While I know the mind is tricky and we all have twisted thinking, I know how often I doubt me and the things that I know to be true, for what ever reason. Even more so I talk with ladies all the time who do this as well. I have been asking me lately that if I know something to be true, then what is raising doubt about this person or situation? Facts withstand questioning. Lies crumble.
As you look at that wobbling boundary today, what is causing the wobble? Drop a comment below so we can celebrate your success, and help you wobble but not fall.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
We have reached that time of January where the hype of resolutions has faded into the reality of consistency. It is so easy to shame myself for not doing better, or being better, and then I am reminded that shame is paralyzing and does not bring me success. What then does bring success?
Acknowledging the reality of the journey has taught me the importance of self-compassion. It is easy to shame myself when I compare myself to others, but their path is not mine, and when I accept grace and celebrate the lessons I have learned along the way, I am more likely to apply those lessons and make better choices along the way. Recognizing that my journey is incomparable to anyone else's has been liberating. It has enabled me to shed the burden of comparison and embrace my own identity fully, as well as silence the voice of shame.
Consistency is key to make the desired changes in our lives, and the way to generate consistency is to recognize the need for two elements:
1. Small changes.
2. Celebration!
For every big change we make there are a thousand little changes that helped us complete the big change. Economist Thomas Sowell said “There are no solutions, only trade offs.” How I understand this to mean is that our choices are always compromises, we choose a, which means we have to give up b. This is how change happens in our lives, I choose to start the project, that means I’m stopping whatever fun activity I was using to procrastinate my project. And for every time I choose to complete a small step towards my goal, that is one less step in the opposite direction.
I haven’t emphasized lately the importance of celebration! Humans have the horrible ability to focus on the one negative in a sea of congratulations. This is why it is so important to celebrate your wins, no matter how small! I asked earlier this week on my insta page @DeborahSpragueOfficial (give it a follow) “what is one way you cared for yourself today?” and celebrated the wins of those that answered. It is so important to build your success on a good foundation, and that includes accepting your own success. It is so easy to down play it and tell you that you aren’t worth the celebration, and by doing so you will crush your own spirit and stay exactly where you are because you will continue to believe that you are worthless. You are NOT worthless! So start right now and celebrate your successes today, no matter how small!
Coaching people to live their best lives by helping them discover just how worth it that they are, and how much value they bring the world, is what I do. Get your free 30 min sample session here so that you can discover your purpose.
