Perfectionists are difficult to be around, as are those who must have 110% control in all situations. As a life coach I find these folks more difficult to work with because they cannot allow themselves to grow. This seems oxymoronic I know, but the truth is to grow one must allow for failure, thus perfection is not an option. To grow one must admit they don’t know it all, they don’t behave perfectly in all situations, and they don’t always have self control, much less total control over the entire situation.
As I am thinking about being a perfectionist I think of the term “failure to thrive.” It is applied to children who do not gain enough weight, learn enough words, or to walk, and/or other milestones by certain ages. As adults we may also fail to thrive by inhibiting our own growth, substituting the excuse of perfectionism, or the need for total control, for personal growth.
“It’s just how I am, take me or leave me.”
“If Frank Sinatra can do it his way why can’t I?”
The reality of being a perfectionist, and/or a control freak, is that one must live in accordance with lies, most often a tossed salad of them ranging from: “I’m just not good enough.” to “If I don’t do this then it won’t be done right so I might as well just do it.” These lies started a long time ago, in a galaxy not too far away, and for those struggling here, it happened yesterday. What ever that moment was that unleashed these lies into your mind, self, and life, that moment, circumstance, relationship, toxic environment, whatever it is, happens again every day. And most often, out of your own creation.
I will call out this truth again: As long as you feed the monster of perfectionism and control, you will only eat lies. Every day exhausted, stressed, anxious, desperate, and wanting a different life, but losing your imagined power/control/image is too scary to admit you are less than you want people to think that you are.
The good news is you can change if you choose to.
Step 1: Acknowledge that you do not know it all. Cannot do it all. Cannot be it all. Socrates said “To know is to know you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.” In short, as long as you know it all, can do it all, and can be it all, then you need nothing, no one, and are blind to your own folly.
Step 2: Choose to be teachable. Admitting you don’t know it all can easily be followed by the willingness to learn!
Step 3: Pause to identify the root cause of your perfectionism and need for control. Until you address the root cause you will always be pulling these lies out of your life.
Step 4: Make the changes you need to in your lifestyle, work, and inner circle to create safe places to fail. If you work a job that appears to not allow room for failure I recommend that you look again, how can you fail safely at what you do? What happens if you acknowledge that you need a break and take it, even if that means pushing the next meeting, appointment, patient, client, or whatever, back 5 minutes so that you can set you up for success and not risk a major failure?
Step 5: Learn to accept grace. Grace is unmerited favor. We live in a society that doesn’t have room for grace, or failure, or anything other than perfectly marching in line with the current narrative. But we all fail. We all try to earn that which we cannot. And we battle this lie that if we don’t have it together we need to fake it until we make it.
What if the only way to make it is to fail?
