There is a lot of weariness these days. It goes beyond our natural desire to embrace the rhythm of late autumn and get more rest as there is less light, and is continuously effected by the steady stream of everything. Weariness brings to me the desire to be sour about life. It begins subtly, and grows into a negative, bitter root that I must dig out, if I don’t nip it at the start. And then the week of Thanksgiving comes, a week when we are all reminded to an obnoxious level of how fortunate we are and all that we can and should be thankful for. It’s enough to make anyone become even more numb, taking it all the more for granted. It can get comfortably familiar being bitter and numb to the goodness. And when one is comfortable, why change?
This week I’ve been looking beyond thankfulness to contentment. What does it mean to be content? I dug into some of the etymology and it goes make to the Middle Ages when it meant to satisfy a debt. There are different kinds of debts, obviously financial, but we also owe favors, and we owe ourselves a lot of care - if we are honest. And what about satisfaction? Contentment includes satisfaction, how does one feel satisfied when they look around and see... this weird chaos of 2020. I have found three ways to increase contentment: manage expectations, choosing thankfulness, and delighting in the good everywhere we find it!
If managing expectations sounds like the advice you needed before the turkey went in the oven remember that satisfaction starts with you, your personal work, your goals, your desires met and unmet. We all have unrealistic expectations at some point in life! And there are many tools to help gauge the attainability of a goal, such as the SMART Goals acrostic:
Specific - as specific as possible.
Measurable - the achievement can be defined.
Attainable - actually able to work towards and achieve.
Reasonable - practical.
Time based - a deadline that will be met.
While tools like this are often applied in super practical settings like weight loss, a new job or promotion, or whatever tangible task one desires to accomplish, it can also be applied to expectations. Expecting to fall in love in 2020? Well, how are you meeting that expectation? Expecting your mom to behave quite differently than she normally does? While that is specific, you cannot actually attain this goal because you have no control over her behavior, only your own. The more I set my goals for contentment and satisfaction on my own shoulders, my own behaviors, that which I do have control over, the more content I become. The more I set my expectations of others in line with how they behave around me, the less frustrated I am because I expect it, plan for it, and know to speak to it.
Behind behaviors are attitudes and personal stories. A current popular phrase is “speaking MY truth.” So here is some universal truth that influences your personal truth: your thinking influences your attitude, and you can choose the thoughts that you want to entertain, and which ones to let go of! Your thoughts impact your truth. You can change your mind, it is ok. You can choose to be thankful while sick. You can choose to be thankful when you don’t know how the bills will get paid this month. You can choose to the thankful when you don’t know where your food is coming from. You can choose to be thankful when it seems like everyone you know hates you. You can choose because you can. It all sits on what you focus on. I am thankful for the ability to work through difficult situations, I’ve learned that again this year. I am thankful for what I do have, and therefore use it more wisely, and show it more care. Out of thankfulness comes new perspective, new behaviors, new desires, a new understanding of truth.
Alongside choosing thankfulness is delighting in the good! We don’t celebrate our successes enough! Often I don’t identify them, or feel obligated to play them down in a veil of false modesty. Lately the Fatboy Slim song “Praise You” has been stuck in my head:
We’ve come a long, long way together,
Through the hard times and the good.
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should.
Sometimes our celebration seems menial: I got 8 hours of sleep!
Sometimes our celebration is significant: I got the promotion!
Sometimes it is simply pausing throughout the day to acknowledge the good in the day: a kindness; a friend; coffee; something beautiful; something delicious; making a tough, but healthy, choice when tempted with an easy, but unhealthy, choice.
This feels weird in our culture because we aren’t supposed to celebrate ourselves, it’s viewed as being prideful, but in actuality delighting in the good, celebrating success small and large, appreciating and finding satisfaction in the daily, isn’t about having an attitude of pride, but an attitude of thankfulness! Seeing our own success and delighting in it means we are encouraged to continue on in success! It is far more productive than judgement and shame, which lock us up with anxiety. So this is your challenge: set your expectations reasonably, choose to be thankful as you walk, and delight in your success as you go. Try it for one day, and tell me below how it goes!
If you are really struggling here, helping folks do this is what I do. Email me below to set up a free consultation on how coaching can help you grow!
Professionally and privately I am regularly confided in regarding relational problems. These confidences can be split into two groups: “FIX THEM!” and “Help me find a better way.” I don’t have the ability to fix anyone. I can only guide the person in front of me to a better understanding of their self, and to make the choices they want to make, instead of falling for what they dislike. I have found that we teach people how to have relationship with us, we do this through what we share with an individual, through how we treat ourselves, and by the boundaries that we enforce on those with whom we are in relationship.
Relationships are so organic in the human experience that we don’t think about how they are formed, until we struggle to form them. CS Lewis described making a friend as discovering someone with a mutual interest and saying “hey! You like that too!” In a cold, clinical, form relationships begin as Lewis observed, and remain as both parties mutually invest through revealing self, asking questions, and continuing to show interest in the others life. As we age we aren’t around as many people, and those we have known for decades can fade away, or choose not to keep up with who we have become. We feel this disconnect in different ways, more so in our current circumstances, and we find ourselves wondering if we want to maintain relationship, or attempt to make new friends who connect to who we are now. There is no blanket answer, but before you decide consider how we teach people to have relationship with us through how we treat ourselves and the boundaries we hold.
I have lost count of how many times I’ve told the story of my professor who looked around the room and then informed us “we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, but I’ve seen how horribly some of you treat yourselves, and I don’t want to be treated so poorly.” I remember being shook to my core because that was me! I treated me horribly, yet wanted others to treat me better than I treated myself. I didn’t know how to be loved and cared for. But in that moment I wanted to learn! These are not obvious behaviors, they are lower conscious and subtle, but to the observant eye, to those who need broken, needy friends, they are beacons. This is why when we set boundaries, treat our selves better, and require those that call us friend to treat us with respect. People fuss, cause drama, and disappear when they are no longer allowed to treat me poorly. Therefore self care is as vital as being your self, and it is part of being true to your self. Self care can increase self awareness, in understanding what is and is not acceptable behavior I can then refuse to hang around people who choose to behave badly. When I treat myself well, then I can accept good treatment from others, and begin to expect and require it. This can be a slow process, but how wonderful to have less drama, less chaos, and less stress.
Boundaries are the other hand, working side by side with self care. As I see how people treat me I can then make choices about what is and isn’t acceptable treatment. I can draw a line, this is as far as this person, or anyone, can go. We all agree that violence is bad, so it is easy to make the assertion “I refuse to be around violent people.” But what happens when that violent person is your parent? Or lover? It is easy to justify their behavior. But that means you compromise your boundary. It is a grace to require others to honor my boundaries. Not only because I deserve their respect in those areas, but if they are struggling in this area and I speak, not yell, to them regarding it, explaining their precise behavior and how it hurts and disrespects me, and why I won’t allow it any more, that is grace, giving them a chance to choose growth, or to stay the same and let me walk away. The truth is all relationships shape us, they either grow us, or crush us. We choose to stay and grow together, or walk on to something new. Boundaries are formed intentionally, enforced responsibly, and require those with whom we are building relationship to choose. Some choices are easy. Some significantly more difficult. This is life.
This year has afforded us more time for self reflection. And less opportunity to interact with others. Therefore as we approach the holidays it is bringing up a lot of experiences and feelings towards friends and family. Now is the time to reflect on how you want to be treated, how you want to treat others, and to prepare some pocket answers for those folks that will try to cross the line. Write them down. Check to see if they are too muddied or snarky. Short and precise is the goal; ”no thank you.” or “I’d rather not discuss that.” are perfectly legitimate answers. Need more? This is what I do! Drop me a line below and let’s be ready for the holidays.
On my to do list for November I wrote “last 2 months of the year” as a reminder to revisit my goals for this year and to check my alignment with where I want to be when this year ends. I realize that because of how 2020 has gone this may feel futile, but it’s even more important to adjust ones alignment now, before the year crashes to an end. (I mean, does any one expect 2020 to end smoothly?) I was encouraged to complete this task while watching a vlog the other night. The vlogger spoke of how a decade ago she was so depressed and therefore had created a fantasy world to escape into, when she realized what she had done she started to make the changes necessary to live in a place where she felt alive, where she would be surrounded by the environment she needed to thrive, she created her lifestyle to support who she is, mind, body, soul! And she is now so alive!
What is so significant about this? Because our reality right now seems so bleak, we need the reminder that we do have control over our own lives and outcomes. We are the gatekeepers of what comes into our homes, the food we put in our mouths, and over our schedules. Over the years so many clients have said to me “I can’t make that change because...” which is an excuse, choosing to be victim to ones own choices. The reality is that humans don’t make a change until it is more uncomfortable to stay the same. We can assess our values, and see what in our lives aligns with them. But until we start making the intentional choice to embrace what we want and stop settling on the status quo, we will remain in conflict with ourselves, enduring extra stress, and playing victim to our own choices. I do this too, and I can tell you it’s not easy to see it, to call myself on it, and to make the new choices. It is easier to stay in the sameness. But it’s always worth it.
What new choice do you want to make about:
- What your daily schedule looks like?
- What goes into your mouth?
- What comes out of your mouth?
- What social media you consume?
- What shows/movies you consume?
- What books you are, or are not, reading?
- What environment you live in? (Yes, cleaning your house is self care!)
- What you do to relax?
- what you do to feed your soul?
Self care is about creating a life you actually want to live, not escape from. I look forward to hearing about your success with these small choices, and how they change your life! So leave a comment, or email me, change is easier with support.
At some point in high school we all exclaimed “who told you that!” To a friend, or a parent, who told you either that your secret was out, or that someone was spreading lies about you, or some combo of both. I remember that sinking feeling of the weight of the mess I knew I now had to clean up.
High school was a long time ago, and part of growing up is realizing that I cannot control what others say about me, only what I say about me. But what about what I say TO me? Do you pay attention to what you think about yourself? Do you find yourself wondering where these ideas came from? We get bogged down in a swamp of anxiety and negative thoughts without ever asking “who told me this?”
Who told you that you are not worthy of self care? And why do you repeat it to you? You will not have time to care for you until you prioritize you! The minute you discover you are worthy of caring for you is the moment you schedule some you time!
Wait, what excuse are you making? So you have kids? All the more reason to take care of you! If you are on empty then you’ve got nothing to give them.
Oh, your life is so busy? Are you kidding me? Whose life isn’t overloaded? Saying “No.” to people and opportunities, without explanation, is self care.
Oh, you think you can’t afford self care because spa days are so expensive? Then it’s time to rethink self care. Self care is not all special days, treats, and adventures. It starts with accepting the truth that you are worthy to be cared for, and living this truth.
Let’s talk about this practically. What are some basic level self care actions? Sleep, nutritious food, showering, drinking enough water; these are all basic physical care. Taking a 1-3 hour break from social media, and/or your cell phone; spending 20 minutes talking to a friend; taking 2 minutes for deep breathing; reading; utilizing your favorite creative outlet; these are all basic care for your mental and emotional self. Taking time to meditate and pray; read sacred passages; appreciate the beauty around you; pause to be thankful for the life you have; these are all basic care for your soul self. So receive the gift of 2 minutes of self care today, what will it look like?
Want to be more proactive in your self care? Get your free resource here!
This year has been a lesson, a struggle, and completely overwhelming to all of us. The greatest lesson I have been learning this year has been about fear. Fear is a natural part of humanity. Fear triggers fight or flight. Fear can be a healthy warning, especially around deadly animals, or the edge of a cliff. But there is a dark side to fear; it can manipulate us, paralyze us, stir us into a panic. And I have seen, and experienced, all of those this year.
When the pandemic first set in I sat at home and did my best to work, but eventually I realized that I felt like I was sitting there waiting to die. There was so much chaos and confusing information at that time that I felt manipulated into believing something, anything, instead of being empowered to educate myself. While I didn’t panic purchase toilet paper, I did react to given info instead of pausing to think it through and respond. It took some time for me to realize how much fear had crept in, and when I did I realized that I needed to make a choice: to live out of fear, or to live in freedom.
It is super easy right now to point to big issues in our world and decide what others are choosing out of fear, or out of freedom, but even that is a self protective measure that comes from fear. The truth is that I cannot decide for you, I cannot control you, I can only judge you and control my self. I do not want to carry the weight of judging, and that is my choice. I do have the freedom to educate myself, to choose to respond and not react, to assess the information I have and to make the best choice possible.
When I’ve heard folks talk about different mindsets I didn’t know, from experience, how difficult it would be to make the shift from one to another, or how seemingly small steps would have such huge results. I have lived out of fear for so long that it is familiar, comfortable, and seems safe. But as I am embracing the discomfort of change I am not only finding freedom, but safety. Living out of fear is exhausting. This intentional mindset of making the best choices I can and moving forward in freedom, living by my conscious, letting the spirit move, is energizing and a whole new world!
All it takes is pausing and asking me: is this a fear reaction, or an intentional choice?
Want to be more proactive in your self care? Get your free resource here!
