Professionally and privately I am regularly confided in regarding relational problems. These confidences can be split into two groups: “FIX THEM!” and “Help me find a better way.” I don’t have the ability to fix anyone. I can only guide the person in front of me to a better understanding of their self, and to make the choices they want to make, instead of falling for what they dislike. I have found that we teach people how to have relationship with us, we do this through what we share with an individual, through how we treat ourselves, and by the boundaries that we enforce on those with whom we are in relationship.
Relationships are so organic in the human experience that we don’t think about how they are formed, until we struggle to form them. CS Lewis described making a friend as discovering someone with a mutual interest and saying “hey! You like that too!” In a cold, clinical, form relationships begin as Lewis observed, and remain as both parties mutually invest through revealing self, asking questions, and continuing to show interest in the others life. As we age we aren’t around as many people, and those we have known for decades can fade away, or choose not to keep up with who we have become. We feel this disconnect in different ways, more so in our current circumstances, and we find ourselves wondering if we want to maintain relationship, or attempt to make new friends who connect to who we are now. There is no blanket answer, but before you decide consider how we teach people to have relationship with us through how we treat ourselves and the boundaries we hold.
I have lost count of how many times I’ve told the story of my professor who looked around the room and then informed us “we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, but I’ve seen how horribly some of you treat yourselves, and I don’t want to be treated so poorly.” I remember being shook to my core because that was me! I treated me horribly, yet wanted others to treat me better than I treated myself. I didn’t know how to be loved and cared for. But in that moment I wanted to learn! These are not obvious behaviors, they are lower conscious and subtle, but to the observant eye, to those who need broken, needy friends, they are beacons. This is why when we set boundaries, treat our selves better, and require those that call us friend to treat us with respect. People fuss, cause drama, and disappear when they are no longer allowed to treat me poorly. Therefore self care is as vital as being your self, and it is part of being true to your self. Self care can increase self awareness, in understanding what is and is not acceptable behavior I can then refuse to hang around people who choose to behave badly. When I treat myself well, then I can accept good treatment from others, and begin to expect and require it. This can be a slow process, but how wonderful to have less drama, less chaos, and less stress.
Boundaries are the other hand, working side by side with self care. As I see how people treat me I can then make choices about what is and isn’t acceptable treatment. I can draw a line, this is as far as this person, or anyone, can go. We all agree that violence is bad, so it is easy to make the assertion “I refuse to be around violent people.” But what happens when that violent person is your parent? Or lover? It is easy to justify their behavior. But that means you compromise your boundary. It is a grace to require others to honor my boundaries. Not only because I deserve their respect in those areas, but if they are struggling in this area and I speak, not yell, to them regarding it, explaining their precise behavior and how it hurts and disrespects me, and why I won’t allow it any more, that is grace, giving them a chance to choose growth, or to stay the same and let me walk away. The truth is all relationships shape us, they either grow us, or crush us. We choose to stay and grow together, or walk on to something new. Boundaries are formed intentionally, enforced responsibly, and require those with whom we are building relationship to choose. Some choices are easy. Some significantly more difficult. This is life.
This year has afforded us more time for self reflection. And less opportunity to interact with others. Therefore as we approach the holidays it is bringing up a lot of experiences and feelings towards friends and family. Now is the time to reflect on how you want to be treated, how you want to treat others, and to prepare some pocket answers for those folks that will try to cross the line. Write them down. Check to see if they are too muddied or snarky. Short and precise is the goal; ”no thank you.” or “I’d rather not discuss that.” are perfectly legitimate answers. Need more? This is what I do! Drop me a line below and let’s be ready for the holidays.
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