This month I’ve been pondering different types of friends and the important roles that each one plays in our lives. As I wrote I was so excited about each type that I forgot to mention the most important part! These blogs were not a checklist for the type of people you need to go out and find, but to assess the relationships that you have and to check where you are putting your time and energy. I cannot tell you what is the best formula for how you invest your time and energy into friends through receiving, sharing, and giving. Only you can assess your needs, your friends, and your resources.
While you are assessing your self, your friends, and your relational resources, go ahead and assess your capacity for intimacy. “Intimacy is the mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known.” - Mathew Kelly
It doesn’t matter what type of people you have around you, if you lack the ability to know and be known you will struggle to make and keep friends. If you are finding that you struggle in this area I suggest you pick the person whom you trust the most, and feel most safe around, and reveal a small piece of you that you don’t normally, not a deep or sensitive piece, but something about you that is below the surface. Should this person reciprocate, then you have not only been accepted by them, but you have deepened the relationship. If the person does not reciprocate, don't worry, that just means that they are not ready to share that part of them yet. Time may allow them to, if not then you know where you stand with them and can try again with another friend.
I remain amazed at the friends I have made, and kept, over the years. I am thankful for them, all that I have learned from them, all that I have shared with them, and all of the hard won wisdom that I have been able to give. What a gift to share life with such amazing people. I am equally amazed of what I have learned of myself through opening up and being known.
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We have spent the past couple weeks looking at different types of adult friendships, learning from those older than us and having a healthy peer group. If you missed any you can start here and catch up! This week we are looking at those in our lives that we have a chance to influence, teach, or guide.
The Teachable are those that are, most often, younger than us, to whom we can teach what we have learned. We are able to walk beside them and help them find their way. Sometimes for life, sometimes for a season, sometimes for just one lesson. The beauty of having someone younger in our lives is that we are able to take the hard lessons of our lives and help others learn how to avoid them.
When it comes to these friends it is important to remember that it is not about you, but their journey, and you get to be a part of it. Your job isn’t to make them do or not do something, but to use your life experience as a resource for them to learn from. And in return you will find that you learn from them as well. This is not a one sided friendship where you give all, but you will give more as you have more to give. The greatest blessing in these types of relationships is when you model teachability and learn more than you ever expected. I think being teachable is the best mindset to have. It is not just curiosity, or willingness to learn, but the humility to admit that I don't know everything, only enough to know that I don't know everything. Therefore it is an honor to learn from those who have gone before, to learn from our peers, and to learn from those we are pouring into. Nothing proves that you don’t know it all like living as if you do. Having friends in your life who help you keep teachable is a gift. Having friends in your life to teach is a part of that gift.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
Making friends can be such a difficult thing to do, and then you have to keep them! As I am breaking down the different type of friendships we need, I find myself thinking that peers are the most fun for us. Peers are friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible. These are the fun friends, the ones we call in an emergency, and the ones we text that our secrets to.
The challenge of relationships within my tribe is that we get so comfortable, we make excuses for each other like “thats just how she is,” instead of challenging our friends to grow. Being peers we are finding our way together, which can make it difficult to call someone out on their behavior with some authority. In our culture we have this idea of adults and experts, people who are above us who can speak into our lives. While those are useful, we sell ourselves short on the impact we have on each others lives as peers. It is our job as friends to call each other out and challenge each other to be better, and to allow them to call us out too. This allows us the opportunity to grow in our communication with others, advocating for ourselves, and holding people accountable for their choices. Our society makes a huge push for boundaries, but what they focus on is using boundaries to push people out, what we need to remember is that they are also a way back into our lives. Boundaries teach people how to have relationship with us, if someone refuses to respect those boundaries then they don’t respect you enough to build healthy relationship with you. And vice versa, you may find you don’t respect your friends as much as you’d like to, and that is on you to make choices about. The main thing to remember about your tribe is that real love changes us. So if you really love your friends you will want them to be their best selves, and this requires the tough conversations.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who can you be very real with?
Whom do you not trust, but tolerate?
What keeps you from having the hard conversations?
Can you take responsibility for you, or is it all their fault?
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Recently I came across data suggesting that women live longer because we come together in community, and it is in having relationships that we stay healthy longer, mentally sharp longer, and thrive longer. I have long known that humans were not made to live on an island, or in isolation, but in community. But in this modern age it is increasingly difficult to have the community we need. There are multiple types of people we need in our lives, teachers, peers, and the teachable. Let me explain.
- Teachers are those that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
- Peers are just that, friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, and celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible.
- The Teachable are those that are, most often, younger than us, to whom we can teach what we have learned. We are able to walk beside them and help them find their way. Sometimes for life, sometimes for a season, sometimes for just one lesson. When it comes to these folks it is important to remember that its not about you, but their journey, and you get to be a part of it.
In life every path is unique as you are the only person who has exactly your personality, with your experiences, and your needs. BUT there is always a universal theme to our struggles and growth. In my experience I have found that we each need a variety of people who have a variety of ages and experiences to help us along the way, and we need people to pour into most of all, to keep the necessary perspective on life that it is not just about us, but about our community as well. This month I am going to explore each of these roles and I hope you will sign up for this blog so that you don't miss a single thought. Comment below what role you are most excited to learn about.
What is it about how we women were raised that we are willing to wobble so easily on our boundaries? Is it the fear that we will be viewed as cruel for holding them? Is it our nurturing way to want to forgive, heal, and help them grow so they can come back into our lives? Or is it the doubt we have of ourselves?
I heard a great description of boundaries the other day, it’s not just the wall you put up, but the door that lets people in. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they are about helping them understand how to be a part of your life. So if you feel like you are cruel, rude, or a snob for having boundaries, check that with this question: do I have a way for them to get in? Not sneak in, but a path in that includes the behaviors that you need to see in them so that you can begin to trust them? If there is no path back then it is not a boundary, but a cut off, which doesn’t allow for either of you to grow. Hence the need for a path back in through growth and change.
I have had the pleasure of living in different areas of the USA long enough to really engage with the various cultures, and this next struggle looks different based on how you were raised, but as women we want to see the best in people, we want to see them live their best lives, we want to see them grow and thrive, its the nurturing in us. But we also have a bad habit of not giving things enough time to grow. It takes time to grow and change behavior, and it is easier to fake change than actually change. The proof is in the pudding, so wait for the pudding before wobbling your boundary.
This last question can be a whole blog series! And maybe I will. But for today, I am asking me this question too: Is this real, or am I doubting what I know? While I know the mind is tricky and we all have twisted thinking, I know how often I doubt me and the things that I know to be true, for what ever reason. Even more so I talk with ladies all the time who do this as well. I have been asking me lately that if I know something to be true, then what is raising doubt about this person or situation? Facts withstand questioning. Lies crumble.
As you look at that wobbling boundary today, what is causing the wobble? Drop a comment below so we can celebrate your success, and help you wobble but not fall.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
