Hacking Adult Friendships

Hacking Adult Friendships
I am frequently asked about how to make friends as an adult, as kids it was easy you just play with whomever is around. But as adults we know what we like, what we don’t like, what our boundaries are, and we have watched many of the friends we used to have disappear down other paths, or worse, have had a huge falling out and a giant wound remains in our hearts where their friendship used to live. At some point we lose enough people that we don’t want to open up anymore, we weigh the risk and then decide if the investment is worth it. As children we could freely enjoy friends, as adults we understand what kind of time, energy, and emotions it takes to be able to enjoy people the way we did when we were kids. 
 Then there is the challenge of keeping friends while adulting. There doesn’t seem to be enough time, energy, or reason to spend with and for our friends, much less make new ones. For those with kids it is even more difficult as kids will interrupt an adult conversation a dozen times in 20 minutes and there you are wondering what this friend thinks about you since you can’t get away from your kids or into an adult headspace. This challenge is also a great filter, since we don't have time to waste, people won't choose to hang out with you if they don't want to! 
 The first step in any problem is to identify it, and get really specific about what you are looking for. Sure we all want the Anne of Green Gables experience of instantly connecting to a “bosom friend” but is that realistic? As an adult I have had this experience a couple of times, but more often the lasting friendships that I have formed as an adult have come from spending time with someone and watching us grow with each other. I think it was CS Lewis who said “friends are two people who look at each other and say ‘you like this too!’” And I love this imagery. We need friends who share our weird interests, and care about us too! We also need friends who highly value what we do, it doesn't have to be exactly the same, but you cannot be friends with a liar if you highly value integrity! 
 Once you identify what you need in a friend, and interests that you can share with friends, the next step is to do the things! For example, I love to hike! I’ll do it alone, but it is a lot more fun with friends. (and yes! The photo here is of me hiking alone!) A few years ago an acquaintance of mine found out that I love to hike and asked to join me, I’ve lost count of how many miles we have since trekked together, but it has formed a great bond between us, and now we live hundreds of miles apart, but we keep up on the important stuff and are figuring out our next hiking trip! It sounds so simple that you will want to complicate it, don’t. Enjoy the simplicity of it! 
 Pro Tip: Really listen to folks when they share about things, a friend of mine heard me mention playing board games with my family and asked if I’d like to come to a game night at her place. It was fun and I met some of her friends, broadening my network. How can you know if someone likes something that you do if you don’t listen?
 Most importantly, be brave! I know it is not as easy, and the more rejection you’ve had the scarier it is. But you can do this! You can invite a couple people over for dinner and board games to see how much you connect on. You can accept the invitation to a party, or small get together and see what happens. You can choose to arrive with your hands open to whatever opportunity comes, doesn’t mean you have to take those opportunities, but it will teach you how to better discern people and what you are looking for in a friend. A journey is made up of a thousand steps, but it starts with one, so take your step towards friends today! 

 Helping you live your purpose with healthy relationships is what I do, so check here for a time for your free 30 minute sample session so that you can see how journeying with me will help you. 

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The No Friend Zone

The No Friend Zone
A conversation that I have frequently is about how difficult it is to make and maintain friendships as adults. A large part in this is how our time is organized on the daily. The best of intentions give way to what ever is put most urgently in front of us. Where does one meet folks that they connect to? How do we maintain relationships with folks that we don’t naturally bump into on a daily or weekly basis? And how does one organically build relationship in 2022?
  The reality of relationship is that we connect with those that value in us what we most value in ourselves. Therefore we do, most often, connect to those who are actively doing the activities that we most often do, because humans naturally organize their lives around that which they value the most. So how come many feel like they are coming up short on meaningful relationships? Is it because they look through the list of people they text most frequently and cannot identify a single one as a “bosom friend?” Or is it that in connecting over one specific area of life that we struggle to connect with these same folks regarding other areas of interest? Humans have a deep need to be seen and known. It is why we long for and work so hard for intimate relationships. 
  I think the abnormal relationships maintained over social media also magnify this issue. It toys with the brain to have so many “friends,” and yet so few people with whom one has soul feeding relationship. It is far too easy to fall into the habit of passive relationship with folks when we can peek in on their lives through the window of social media, and not actually talk to them about those experiences. We can also justify our own busyness, as well as theirs, by glancing at social media and writing off time spent because “they are clearly too busy for me.” In doing so we devalue ourselves, and their interest in us, as well as devaluing them. 
 The only person in this world that you can change is you. So a great place to start is to recognize the value yourself. It continues to amaze me how quickly people who aren’t quality walk on in life instead of trying to be my friend once they learn that I know my value, that I reinforce my boundaries, and so they cannot manipulate me and have their way with me. It sounds too simple to work, and yet it does every time!
 Another tool I use is to set measurable intentions of friendship. This sounds cold and clinical and not at all friendly, but it can benefit one to assess where a relationship actually stands. Are we just acquaintances? Do I connect with them enough to invest in this to become friends? Are they showing me mutual interest? How does this look in practice? Recently I had a coffee with a friend after she told me for 2 months straight that she wanted to. Initially I tried to schedule a time but she was too busy, so I stepped back because I realized if it really mattered to her she would make the time, and sure enough it happened because we both wanted it, and one of us wasn’t forcing the other. It can be easy to put a friendship off balance, you may need to step back, or you may need to come to a conscious realization of why you are holding back and either step up or step out. Remember that we teach people how to have relationship with us, so if people aren’t treating you the way you want to be treated, and aren’t willing to relearn you, then it is probably time to walk away.
 Finally, remember the saying: make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold. It is no small feat to keep a friend for decades. My BFF and I can attest to this after over 25 years of friendship! It is far too easy to grow apart, not appreciate the person the other becomes, resent them for growing when you are not, and vice versa. But there is a great value in someone who sees you for who you really are, flaws and all, and loves you enough to speak truth and life into your best, and your darkest, days. The balance of enduring friendship in this modern age is that it often comes over time and distance. I have some dear friends whom I haven’t seen in years, but we talk as we are able and celebrate what is going on in each other’s journeys, while bearing with and praying for each other in the tough times. The depth of our affection isn’t equated to time spent, but how we each truly care for the other and make that effort out of our affection for the other, not out of what we expect in return. 
 Friendship isn’t actually easy at any age. We are just more aware of it as we mature and realize what we value most in life and that we want to be surrounded by like-minded folks, and now to make that happen. 

I will write more soon. Until then, let me know below how this helped you.

If you are interested in improving your life, relationships, and reaching your personal goals then email me and I will show you how I can help!

How Can They Treat Me Like That!

How Can They Treat Me Like That!

Professionally and privately I am regularly confided in regarding relational problems. These confidences can be split into two groups: “FIX THEM!” and “Help me find a better way.” I don’t have the ability to fix anyone. I can only guide the person in front of me to a better understanding of their self, and to make the choices they want to make, instead of falling for what they dislike. I have found that we teach people how to have relationship with us, we do this through what we share with an individual, through how we treat ourselves, and by the boundaries that we enforce on those with whom we are in relationship.

 Relationships are so organic in the human experience that we don’t think about how they are formed, until we struggle to form them. CS Lewis described making a friend as discovering someone with a mutual interest and saying “hey! You like that too!” In a cold, clinical, form relationships begin as Lewis observed, and remain as both parties mutually invest through revealing self, asking questions, and continuing to show interest in the others life. As we age we aren’t around as many people, and those we have known for decades can fade away, or choose not to keep up with who we have become. We feel this disconnect in different ways, more so in our current circumstances, and we find ourselves wondering if we want to maintain relationship, or attempt to make new friends who connect to who we are now. There is no blanket answer, but before you decide consider how we teach people to have relationship with us through how we treat ourselves and the boundaries we hold.

  I have lost count of how many times I’ve told the story of my professor who looked around the room and then informed us “we are to love our neighbors as ourselves, but I’ve seen how horribly some of you treat yourselves, and I don’t want to be treated so poorly.” I remember being shook to my core because that was me! I treated me horribly, yet wanted others to treat me better than I treated myself. I didn’t know how to be loved and cared for. But in that moment I wanted to learn! These are not obvious behaviors, they are lower conscious and subtle, but to the observant eye, to those who need broken, needy friends, they are beacons. This is why when we set boundaries, treat our selves better, and require those that call us friend to treat us with respect. People fuss, cause drama, and disappear when they are no longer allowed to treat me poorly. Therefore self care is as vital as being your self, and it is part of being true to your self. Self care can increase self awareness, in understanding what is and is not acceptable behavior I can then refuse to hang around people who choose to behave badly. When I treat myself well, then I can accept good treatment from others, and begin to expect and require it. This can be a slow process, but how wonderful to have less drama, less chaos, and less stress. 

  Boundaries are the other hand, working side by side with self care. As I see how people treat me I can then make choices about what is and isn’t acceptable treatment. I can draw a line, this is as far as this person, or anyone, can go. We all agree that violence is bad, so it is easy to make the assertion “I refuse to be around violent people.” But what happens when that violent person is your parent? Or lover? It is easy to justify their behavior. But that means you compromise your boundary. It is a grace to require others to honor my boundaries. Not only because I deserve their respect in those areas, but if they are struggling in this area and I speak, not yell, to them regarding it, explaining their precise behavior and how it hurts and disrespects me, and why I won’t allow it any more, that is grace, giving them a chance to choose growth, or to stay the same and let me walk away. The truth is all relationships shape us, they either grow us, or crush us. We choose to stay and grow together, or walk on to something new. Boundaries are formed intentionally, enforced responsibly, and require those with whom we are building relationship to choose. Some choices are easy. Some significantly more difficult. This is life. 

  This year has afforded us more time for self reflection. And less opportunity to interact with others. Therefore as we approach the holidays it is bringing up a lot of experiences and feelings towards friends and family. Now is the time to reflect on how you want to be treated, how you want to treat others, and to prepare some pocket answers for those folks that will try to cross the line. Write them down. Check to see if they are too muddied or snarky. Short and precise is the goal; ”no thank you.” or “I’d rather not discuss that.” are perfectly legitimate answers. Need more? This is what I do! Drop me a line below and let’s be ready for the holidays. 

 
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