I am frequently asked about how to make friends as an adult, as kids it was easy you just play with whomever is around. But as adults we know what we like, what we don’t like, what our boundaries are, and we have watched many of the friends we used to have disappear down other paths, or worse, have had a huge falling out and a giant wound remains in our hearts where their friendship used to live. At some point we lose enough people that we don’t want to open up anymore, we weigh the risk and then decide if the investment is worth it. As children we could freely enjoy friends, as adults we understand what kind of time, energy, and emotions it takes to be able to enjoy people the way we did when we were kids.
Then there is the challenge of keeping friends while adulting. There doesn’t seem to be enough time, energy, or reason to spend with and for our friends, much less make new ones. For those with kids it is even more difficult as kids will interrupt an adult conversation a dozen times in 20 minutes and there you are wondering what this friend thinks about you since you can’t get away from your kids or into an adult headspace. This challenge is also a great filter, since we don't have time to waste, people won't choose to hang out with you if they don't want to!
The first step in any problem is to identify it, and get really specific about what you are looking for. Sure we all want the Anne of Green Gables experience of instantly connecting to a “bosom friend” but is that realistic? As an adult I have had this experience a couple of times, but more often the lasting friendships that I have formed as an adult have come from spending time with someone and watching us grow with each other. I think it was CS Lewis who said “friends are two people who look at each other and say ‘you like this too!’” And I love this imagery. We need friends who share our weird interests, and care about us too! We also need friends who highly value what we do, it doesn't have to be exactly the same, but you cannot be friends with a liar if you highly value integrity!
Once you identify what you need in a friend, and interests that you can share with friends, the next step is to do the things! For example, I love to hike! I’ll do it alone, but it is a lot more fun with friends. (and yes! The photo here is of me hiking alone!) A few years ago an acquaintance of mine found out that I love to hike and asked to join me, I’ve lost count of how many miles we have since trekked together, but it has formed a great bond between us, and now we live hundreds of miles apart, but we keep up on the important stuff and are figuring out our next hiking trip! It sounds so simple that you will want to complicate it, don’t. Enjoy the simplicity of it!
Pro Tip: Really listen to folks when they share about things, a friend of mine heard me mention playing board games with my family and asked if I’d like to come to a game night at her place. It was fun and I met some of her friends, broadening my network. How can you know if someone likes something that you do if you don’t listen?
Most importantly, be brave! I know it is not as easy, and the more rejection you’ve had the scarier it is. But you can do this! You can invite a couple people over for dinner and board games to see how much you connect on. You can accept the invitation to a party, or small get together and see what happens. You can choose to arrive with your hands open to whatever opportunity comes, doesn’t mean you have to take those opportunities, but it will teach you how to better discern people and what you are looking for in a friend. A journey is made up of a thousand steps, but it starts with one, so take your step towards friends today!
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