I see you.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean your childhood was any less painful.
Your mom may have done her best, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t neglected.
Your mom may have claimed she was doing her best, but as you have become an adult you realize that she either couldn’t or wouldn’t and being incapable is less painful than unwilling, but you don’t know which you want it to be.
You have been told a hundred times how wonderful your mother is, and you wonder who they are talking about.
Your heart breaks daily because of how much you love and care for your children, and it reminds you of all you didn’t have growing up.
They don’t make cards that say “Thanks mom, for keeping me alive until I could do it myself” or “Thanks for trying your best, I learned a lot from all you didn’t do” or “Everyone told me to give my mother a break because motherhood is difficult, but now that I am one I know that I was nice to you in my honesty about your parenting.”
If you have made it this far and want to tell me all the ways I am wrong, then what you haven’t realized is that this blog entry is not for you. This blog is for those women whose mom abused them. Whose mom had a mental disorder that they used as an excuse for all the things they didn’t want to do. For those who grew up with moms who weren’t required to heal and mature and who were told by their dads “at some point you are going to be more mature than your mom and will have to figure out how to be nice to her.” For those who, for whatever reason had to mom their mom, without ever knowing what it even means to be a mom. This is for those who met a woman 6 months ago who has shown them more maternal care than their own mother has in all of the last decade.
To these women I say again, I see you and I applaud you for choosing a different path! For doing the hard work to heal so that you would not break your children the way you were broken. And on this annual reminder of how complicated life and relationships can be, I would like to challenge you to take the time to continue this healing process this Mother’s Day weekend by preparing and processing through these 5 steps:
- Schedule time to not only process the below, but to care for yourself in this process. Prepare by dressing comfortably, gathering your favorite warm beverage, journal, tissue box, and sit in a place where you can emote as loudly, or softly, as needed, and have that person ready to give you a hug and just hold you until you can breathe again, because it is Mother’s Day and the reality is it does leave you that raw, but you have had to fake it. So, here is to not faking it, and gaining some healing.
- You have been told to forgive and forget. This is bad advice because beyond forgiveness there are two options: release or reconciliation. Reconciliation will require your mom to own things that she has done and, where applicable, not only apologize for, but actually show you that she will treat you differently. This process also requires boundaries! Remember when it comes to boundaries they aren’t solely about keeping people out, but by showing them the path back. So as you think this through, take a moment to identify the path back, if there is one.
- Take the time to grieve what you didn’t have that you now know you needed, and deserved. Don’t listen to the voice in your head that says “you are not entitled to _______.” because you ARE entitled as a human to receive basic love and care; to not be made to feel like a burden; to be celebrated for all the wonderful ways you are; to be allowed to take up space; and to live in peace and joy, not fear and shame. Grieve the loss of what you didn't have, and release the shame what you were given instead.
- Consider how you may honestly and freely honor your mother? No guilt trips here! Though you may need to pause and review what it means to honor, not neglecting to see that honoring her may include not permitting her to hurt you more. There are ways in which you can choose to honor her from your healed place, and they do not include trippin by guilt!
- Once you have finished releasing the tears, or as my friend calls them “emotional sweat”, go find your person and get that hug! You are safe now. You are loved. You are delighted in because who you are is wonderful.
Drop a comment below and tell me what change you were able to make this Mother’s Day.
Making friends can be such a difficult thing to do, and then you have to keep them! As I am breaking down the different type of friendships we need, I find myself thinking that peers are the most fun for us. Peers are friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible. These are the fun friends, the ones we call in an emergency, and the ones we text that our secrets to.
The challenge of relationships within my tribe is that we get so comfortable, we make excuses for each other like “thats just how she is,” instead of challenging our friends to grow. Being peers we are finding our way together, which can make it difficult to call someone out on their behavior with some authority. In our culture we have this idea of adults and experts, people who are above us who can speak into our lives. While those are useful, we sell ourselves short on the impact we have on each others lives as peers. It is our job as friends to call each other out and challenge each other to be better, and to allow them to call us out too. This allows us the opportunity to grow in our communication with others, advocating for ourselves, and holding people accountable for their choices. Our society makes a huge push for boundaries, but what they focus on is using boundaries to push people out, what we need to remember is that they are also a way back into our lives. Boundaries teach people how to have relationship with us, if someone refuses to respect those boundaries then they don’t respect you enough to build healthy relationship with you. And vice versa, you may find you don’t respect your friends as much as you’d like to, and that is on you to make choices about. The main thing to remember about your tribe is that real love changes us. So if you really love your friends you will want them to be their best selves, and this requires the tough conversations.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who can you be very real with?
Whom do you not trust, but tolerate?
What keeps you from having the hard conversations?
Can you take responsibility for you, or is it all their fault?
If you are looking for a free community where you can interact with people of all ages, ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
What is it about how we women were raised that we are willing to wobble so easily on our boundaries? Is it the fear that we will be viewed as cruel for holding them? Is it our nurturing way to want to forgive, heal, and help them grow so they can come back into our lives? Or is it the doubt we have of ourselves?
I heard a great description of boundaries the other day, it’s not just the wall you put up, but the door that lets people in. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they are about helping them understand how to be a part of your life. So if you feel like you are cruel, rude, or a snob for having boundaries, check that with this question: do I have a way for them to get in? Not sneak in, but a path in that includes the behaviors that you need to see in them so that you can begin to trust them? If there is no path back then it is not a boundary, but a cut off, which doesn’t allow for either of you to grow. Hence the need for a path back in through growth and change.
I have had the pleasure of living in different areas of the USA long enough to really engage with the various cultures, and this next struggle looks different based on how you were raised, but as women we want to see the best in people, we want to see them live their best lives, we want to see them grow and thrive, its the nurturing in us. But we also have a bad habit of not giving things enough time to grow. It takes time to grow and change behavior, and it is easier to fake change than actually change. The proof is in the pudding, so wait for the pudding before wobbling your boundary.
This last question can be a whole blog series! And maybe I will. But for today, I am asking me this question too: Is this real, or am I doubting what I know? While I know the mind is tricky and we all have twisted thinking, I know how often I doubt me and the things that I know to be true, for what ever reason. Even more so I talk with ladies all the time who do this as well. I have been asking me lately that if I know something to be true, then what is raising doubt about this person or situation? Facts withstand questioning. Lies crumble.
As you look at that wobbling boundary today, what is causing the wobble? Drop a comment below so we can celebrate your success, and help you wobble but not fall.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
There is a powerful moment in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha where the older geisha is questioning the younger one to find out if their plans had been ruined. The younger geisha looks at her, and through tears exclaims “I am NOT WORTHLESS!” And repeats it quietly, to herself, “I am not worthless.”
Every time I get to this scene I am moved. Sure I feel bad for this young woman who is fighting for her life, success, and some peace. But I feel more for me. How many times have I looked in the mirror and whispered “I am not worthless,” to rebuke the voices echoing through my mind of all the ways I don’t measure up, or the lies others believe about me and repeat to my face - hoping to make them true? Have you noticed that there are people in your life who believe lies about you and tell them to your face hoping you begin to believe them too? That is a difficult discovery. People I thought loved me and cared for me, but they have proven that it is more important that everyone see me as they see me, and not for who I really am. And they make sure that I know they believe I am worthless.
What do you do when you realize that someone close to you is so set on you knowing how worthless you are? First you need to acknowledge that this is about them and not you. Now that you’ve identified this behavior you have a choice: do you speak to them about this and reconcile? Or do you walk away? This is not an easy choice because there are so many factors that only you know. So I give you this challenge: Do I care enough about this person to call them out on this behavior? If you don’t then you may choose to ghost them. But the reality of ghosting is that it is in the silence we are left to believe the lies we already believe, so this person may still walk around telling everyone the lies they already believe about you, and by ghosting them you have only made their story more believable.
Should you value this person and relationship enough to speak to them about the lies they speak about you, to your face and otherwise, you need to be prepared to explain how they treat you hurts you, grace to listen to their why, and being willing to let them walk away. As much as you may want to reconcile, they may not. If you present the offense and all they do is make excuses and blame you for their poor treatment of you, then they have shown they don’t want to be held accountable for their choices, and you can walk away. You may still care about them and want the best for them, but they do not reciprocate, and it is okay to walk away, even if this person is a parent, sibling, or a childhood bff! You do not have to keep yourself surrounded by people who would rather lie about you, and to your face, and are always telling you how worthless you are.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
Are you looking for a community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow as a person? If so check out my free group!
Family is such a messy topic. It seems almost every day I am talking with someone that is working through issues in their family. Adult children dealing with pain and shame from childhood; or parents attempting to manipulate and control them; or siblings who do everything they can to keep you the same person you were while growing up. It is so difficult to break free when family treats you badly because we are taught that family is first, to keep close to our parents, and loyal to our siblings. But for many of us, our families are not healthy and keeping close only damages us more.
While families do have a deep and unique bond, loyalty can come at a cost. If you are blessed with siblings who have your back, are equally loyal to you, count that blessing! But for those with parents who try to manipulate and control you, and siblings who do the same, willing to toss you under the bus to gain favor with your parent… I see you. Loyalty and family ties cost you dearly. Every hour you spend with your family requires five hours in therapy to recover from the damage. Your friends are better family to you, and saying that feels like the deepest betrayal, but it's true.
The reality of family is that each family has its own set of rules and expectations. Some of these are obvious and known, you will be home at 6 for dinner every night. You will go to college. You will not do drugs. That kind of thing. But there are unspoken rules and expectations as well, like that one sibling can do no wrong. Leave dad alone on Saturday nights because he will be drunk and volatile. Or maybe it’s that you are the family failure and you better not succeed at anything because that is not allowed.
As you discover these challenges you ask “but what can I do?” And the answer is “differentiate.” This clinical term means to identify how I am different from my family, and to become me and not just them. You are like your family in good ways, they taught you things you need in life and it is ok to keep those. It is also okay to be different, to be you, to embrace the life that fulfills you, and keeps you safe. Admitting the truth will set you free. Your family isn’t perfect. You have pain caused by them. You have good from them too. Describing to yourself clearly how your family really is, both the good and bad, will set you free.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help with this, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through the family stuff that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
Looking for more content? Sign up so that you don't miss a blog, and follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial
