There is a powerful moment in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha where the older geisha is questioning the younger one to find out if their plans had been ruined. The younger geisha looks at her, and through tears exclaims “I am NOT WORTHLESS!” And repeats it quietly, to herself, “I am not worthless.”
Every time I get to this scene I am moved. Sure I feel bad for this young woman who is fighting for her life, success, and some peace. But I feel more for me. How many times have I looked in the mirror and whispered “I am not worthless,” to rebuke the voices echoing through my mind of all the ways I don’t measure up, or the lies others believe about me and repeat to my face - hoping to make them true? Have you noticed that there are people in your life who believe lies about you and tell them to your face hoping you begin to believe them too? That is a difficult discovery. People I thought loved me and cared for me, but they have proven that it is more important that everyone see me as they see me, and not for who I really am. And they make sure that I know they believe I am worthless.
What do you do when you realize that someone close to you is so set on you knowing how worthless you are? First you need to acknowledge that this is about them and not you. Now that you’ve identified this behavior you have a choice: do you speak to them about this and reconcile? Or do you walk away? This is not an easy choice because there are so many factors that only you know. So I give you this challenge: Do I care enough about this person to call them out on this behavior? If you don’t then you may choose to ghost them. But the reality of ghosting is that it is in the silence we are left to believe the lies we already believe, so this person may still walk around telling everyone the lies they already believe about you, and by ghosting them you have only made their story more believable.
Should you value this person and relationship enough to speak to them about the lies they speak about you, to your face and otherwise, you need to be prepared to explain how they treat you hurts you, grace to listen to their why, and being willing to let them walk away. As much as you may want to reconcile, they may not. If you present the offense and all they do is make excuses and blame you for their poor treatment of you, then they have shown they don’t want to be held accountable for their choices, and you can walk away. You may still care about them and want the best for them, but they do not reciprocate, and it is okay to walk away, even if this person is a parent, sibling, or a childhood bff! You do not have to keep yourself surrounded by people who would rather lie about you, and to your face, and are always telling you how worthless you are.
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