I have a huge personal goal that I won’t achieve this year. I grieve that I won’t, and I accept that I am not giving up on it until I do achieve it. Because of this it is so easy for me to want to decide that 2020 was a failure. But in pausing to do the work of honestly assessing my year I realize the opposite is true, 2020 held much growth for me, opportunities unforeseen, and some personal work that I didn’t realize was needed. Over a medium such as this I want to lightly celebrate that I got to hike more this year than a “normal” year would of allowed. But let’s get real, I preach that self care can heal, that it propels us into presenting who we really are to the world, and affords us what we need to live our best lives! I want you to know that I practice what I preach, so here goes, this year I cared for my self in mind, body, and soul in these ways:
First I prioritized sleep and water, without enough of each the brain struggles to function, the body struggles, and there is no capacity for soul care. In life first things must come first, this lesson has been repeated for me throughout this whole year. In getting enough sleep, and in drinking enough water, I’ve noticed improvements in mood; ability to focus; weight management; recovery from exercise; consistent energy levels; increased initiative and follow through; and the surprising winner, increased upholding of my own boundaries! What? I know, sounds so weird, but if I’m going to put me to sleep in time I must turn off first. So I reinforced some boundaries around texting, streaming, and social media while establishing a nighttime routine that fits who I am now and what I need to get to sleep on time.
Second, I prioritized journaling. What did I have to journal about in 2020? A lot! As part of my boundaries I have been learning what needs to be processed privately in a journal, and what needs to be processed with friends. Because of the change in how we connect in 2020 I found it increasingly easy to just talk to friends over one medium or another. The problem is that my private struggles were getting left all over the place, but in taking the time to put them in my journal, to process thoroughly before discussing with a friend, not only did I benefit from the personal growth, I could then decide how to present myself in this new knowledge to said friend and keep friend time for friend stuff, not just me stuff!
Third, I admitted and began to work on my food habits. I don’t eat as consistently or as nutritiously as needed and my body pays for it. Food is so good! It cares for us like only food can! And in addressing my bad food habits I discovered a lot about other bad habits that I’ve developed! Sure I use really good supplements to support where modern food falls short, but they cannot make up for a lack of food, a lack of calories, or a lack of overall nutrients. It is easy to write a resolution of losing 20lbs and judging ones success based on a number. It is far more difficult to look at ones knowledge and behaviors and make changes accordingly. I would love to tell you that I hit my weight loss goals, but I didn’t. Instead I discovered that my bad foods habits spill over into all areas of my life and those need to be addressed too. Like I said, I did a lot of unexpected personal work this year!
Which brings me to my fourth, and final, work of self care that has brought such a change in me this year: addressing my worthiness. Through many conversations I’ve discovered most folks don’t feel worthy to care for themselves, for whatever reason they have come to believe this. I am no different. I’ve spent a lot of this year challenging these beliefs, and learning to replace the behaviors learned from them. What this looks like is me asking why I think that I’m not worthy of sleep, and instead of working hard to prove myself and losing sleep, I choose to be worthy of care and put me to sleep. Small changes that have increased my confidence, health, and mental and spiritual well-being, creating a much bigger overall change.
Please don’t write off 2020 as a failure. Pause, do the work, and agree with me and Manchester Orchestra: “Let me open my eyes and be glad that I got here.” - The Silence
I’ve been thinking about fall, personal growth, spiritual health, and preparing for winter. Before now I had not really thought about my spirit in seasons before, or how the natural order of seasons affects my spirit. I’ve gone through experiences that felt like seasons in my soul: growth, harvest, death, rebirth. But those feel personal, and have not always aligned with the seasonal changes in the world around me. Since the mind, body, and soul are so wholly connected it makes sense that as my mind and body walk through these physical seasons that my spirit would as well.
The Greek word Psuche (soo-kay) means breath, life, spirit, essence. Like all aspects of humans the psuche grows too. But what does that look like? In my experience the spirit/soul is filled with the more delicate and covert things. Where you might experience the physical growth of 2in, or being able to bench press 150lbs; spiritual growth is choosing maturity where one used to race into folly. Where mental growth is more about capacity for, and application of, knowledge; spiritual is about having the ability to be, to connect that knowledge to a greater purpose. My faith practice says that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. Therefore I am taking account of these elements as I process my growth this year. How have you grown spiritually this year?
What are you doing with the harvest? This is a tough one for me because this year I have grown in the essence of my being. I don’t necessarily want to be as vulnerable as sharing these intimate places of growth with anyone requires. So I am challenged because harvest isn’t just about sustaining through winter, harvest is about community. When I share my growth with others they learn about themselves, they are challenged to grow; to share and celebrate growth; and to prune out the dead in themselves. As I am when they share with me.
Winter is coming, how are you preparing for it? Winter is most often equated with death, and we all need old parts of our self to die. The parts that no longer benefit us. The parts that no longer are us, but that we are forced to wear because we once did, and people might not recognize us without them. Winter is also a time to rest, restore, and reconnect. We can prepare for that by bringing in the harvest now!
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One of the most powerful elements of life is silence. Silence is like a knife, incredibly useful, while incredibly dangerous. I have learned how to use this tool for the benefit of my clients, and dealt with the consequences when I have misused it among friends or family. Because silence is a void, it brings out the rawness in our humanity. Out of insecurity we thoughtlessly fill it. Out of fear we use it to manipulate. Because we don’t know our true self, we fill the silent void so that we are not left to get to know our self.
The truth is we are not safe alone with our minds, in the silence, for too long. Humans were made for relationship, so where there is relational void, our minds make stuff up to fill it in. It is in the silence that our fears and insecurities scream the lies we so easily believe. It is into my silence that others project onto me what they think I think, who they think I am, and how I need to live; based on their own perceptions and beliefs. We have all used silence to freeze someone out at some point, but this is futile as they will create their own narrative regarding my behavior because I have chosen not to communicate my reasoning.
As I said above, silence isn't all bad, it is quite useful, if you are intentional in it. As a life coach it is beneficial to my clients that I hold safe silence for them to work through their struggles. In my practice of self care I find silence can be a balm in the chaos. There is much to be gained by pausing to sit in silence, with my journal, to hear my heart and to process what is going on in my world. In our modern age we are bombarded daily with the chaos and noise of social media, tv, radio, text messages, dm’s, emails... it is highly beneficial to turn off all of those sources of noise and info, and to enjoy the peace and quiet that you enter into. The key is not to live there. The danger in choosing to live in silence, without input from anyone, is to create a vacuum, a fantasy, an unrealistic world where everything goes the way we think, and the corresponding brutal awakening of reality. The goal of intentional silence is to rediscover what you do and do not need for a fulfilling life, to lower anxiety, and to realign your life in a way that is meaningful and intentional, to no longer live by the impulsive reacting to the chaotic noise.
There are also the many benefits of sacred silence. I define sacred silence as the intentional practice of silence for personal care and spiritual growth. Years ago I heard a priest say that we fast to remove something so that we have more space to hear the still small voice of God. I have lived this out more than once! In removing social media for a weekend I rediscover the blessing and joys of a headspace free from the restraints of that medium, and perceived judgements of my audience. In fasting from food I am free to meditate on what truly feeds my soul. In taking a silent retreat I intentionally create a void, a silent space to process my faith, my hopes, my dreams, my life. I honor my self with silent space, but I don’t live there. I use this tool to adjust my path, to reset my heart, and to move forward with less chaotic noise.
How will you use the tool of silence today?
When will you schedule a silent reset?
Share below, I cannot wait to hear how you are changed!
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Last night was one of those nights where the concepts and principles of self care were less existential and more practical. I am intentional with my self care every day: getting enough sleep; what I feed myself; taking time to create; taking time for relationships; taking time to feed my soul. Even so, last night I was out of gas!
All too often our gas tanks run out at a time when doing self care isn’t a possibility. This is in part because of how we think of the self, and what we think is required to care for it. From that perspective I didn’t have time to self care last night. I didn’t have time for a long soak in a bath; or a cup of tea and my journal; or a heart to heart with my bff. For most of us we believe that self care is a splurge, it’s extra, and it is more than we deserve. This is a lie. The truth is that you have a self, and it IS worthy of care. So what does care for the soul in a practical, “hack,” kind of way?
The first step I take is to take a deep breath and to ask me what part of me is so depleted? The body, mind, and soul are so interconnected that it can take a moment to recognize which part is depleted, and sometimes it is the whole.
Upon identifying the need I was then able to assess what I needed to feed myself. This is beyond nutrition, but what I feed my mind, what I feed my soul. Sure my feelings want mac n cheese with an ice cream chaser. But is that really going to feed me? I might reach for wine or beer, claiming it as a reward for getting through these tough days, but is it actually feeding me? I can binge for hours on a streaming service, but is it feeding me? I can talk to a friend, but is it feeding me?
The third step is asking me what action do I need to take? It sounds counter productive when you are out of gas to take action. But after you assess and feed, then you need to make active choices about what comes next. The more aware you are of the choices you make daily, the more power you regain in your life. It is easy to pass something off as not your fault. But you are the only person in control of your self, and your self is worthy of you making good choices on its behalf.
These three simple steps got me to bed time on time so that I could rest my weary self, and begin today fresh. Let me know in the comments how well they work for you.
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This week has been full of conversations with the downtrodden. Folks so thoroughly discouraged that they don’t even have the energy to decide to give up. I have spoken to the broken and depressed; those too anxious to move; and those who were raised to believe that doing something to move themselves forward is crazy and shouldn’t be attempted. While I continue to be amazed at the lies and limitations I believe for myself. I find that it is far easier to see them in someone else, and to help these folks reframe them into positives. And the one common denominator in all of us is a lack of truth.
As I listened to each of these sweet souls I heard one after the other reflect my own struggle to hear and know the truth. Truth became relative years ago and now we use superlatives and “literally” incorrectly to attempt to make our honest point, where it used to be just the plain old truth. With relative truth it becomes more difficult to discern out the lies. As those lies choke out the truth, our souls begin to starve. When our souls are starving for truth a variety of things can happen, from stress and anxiety, to feeling like we have lost our way, to feeling hopeless in all our endeavors. We feel passion and fear simultaneously and it causes us to panic. Those feelings are conflicting, an inner conflict that is exposing a whole storm beneath the surface.
The good news is that you are not crazy! You are just starving. It’s time to feed your soul! One obvious way is through your religious practice. But there are other ways to silence the lies and embrace the truth. One of my favorites is sitting with a wise friend and sharing what is on my mind. Getting that sage feedback, helping me sort out my thoughts and beliefs about something is so powerful in changing not only my mindset, but how I am presenting my self. Our thoughts become words and actions and our behavior is always telling of that which is below the surface. Other ways to feed your soul are: to get out into nature; to be intimate with your person; to take a journey; to be creative; to enjoy the creative works of others; to pause to breathe and journal and to feel safe in the moment; and more. (Feel free to add your favorite soul feeding activity in the comments.)
In our rapidly changing world we need to remember that we are worthy of taking care of us, feeding our souls, making new choices, and having new adventures. So, how will you feed your soul today?
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