A few months ago I began to, more frequently, hear about this “phenomenon” called “Cancel Culture.” So I googled it and discovered it is essentially boycotting individuals based on their expressed opinions. There really is nothing new under the sun, I did this in middle school! Except I didn’t have social media by which to unfollow someone, we just ignored them. Cancel culture works because of group think. Group think is the term for the behavior all humans participate in: doing what must be done to align with the group. In a pop culture reference: on Wednesdays we wear pink.
The reality of adult life is that there are more and more groups with whom one may identify. It is becoming increasingly common to hear all of my words applauded by everyone because those with whom I interact share my same values and opinions. Which makes cancel culture almost moot! I don’t have to agree with you, I can just find people on my side. We can all hate you together. What a waste of energy. Hate it not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate is the pain reaction from love, it says that because I love you and you hurt me so deeply I will hate you until you feel my pain. Therefore cancel culture, boycotting, icing someone out, all become useless because I continue to give this person my energy.
It’s time for a different solution: forgiveness. Forgiveness is defined by psychologists as the conscious and intentional decision to release the feeling of resentment toward a person who has harmed me, regardless of what that person actually deserves. In forgiving I let go of the pain and I choose to move forward without hate and bitterness. But it does not require me to forget what I learned about this person. I don’t have to befriend them on Facebook. I don’t have to follow them on insta. I am also free from finding others with my pain and sitting in it together, rehashing our pain and hatred over and over. There is an incredible amount of freedom for you when you forgive instead of cancel.
What do you do after you forgive? The first step is assessing the relationship you have with this person as your next steps will be determined by the relationship you have and the boundaries you keep as a person. Familial relationships require different care than the fan-to-celebrity relationship. Friends are quite different from lovers. There are different levels of experience, knowledge, mutual investment, and respect. These must be considered to be able to make a choice.
The second step is assessing your self: is it time for new boundaries? Are you being petty? Are you asserting your self when folks go to far? What are you looking for from friends? A lover? Family? Have you wronged them and this was their retaliation? Remember: you are responsible for you, you have to check you and do the hard work of growing too.
The third step is to make a plan within your relational boundaries and stick to it. So often relationships are passive, things happen and we show up or we don’t, but we don’t think about it. This is the time to practice intentionality. Intentionally decide how you would like to treat those you forgive. Intentionally communicate with them. Intentionally walk away. Whatever you choose, choose it and follow through.
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