Today, a random Thursday in January, I reopened the calorie counter on my phone for the first time in months. I knew it would be messy. I knew that my numbers would be wrong. And I knew that there was no point in waiting until Monday. I wondered why we play this game of “I’ll start then, and until then I’ll do whatever I want!” What is with this belief of one last hurrah? We tell ourselves that we deserve it, or that we want to enjoy it, or whatever because we are about to do something major in our lives... I call this a big lie. A lie we all enjoy believing at some point. A lie I use often to make me feel better about the state of my life, the disorganization of my eating, the sheer chaos of my weeks... but I survived and therefore I earned a nap... this ice cream... a day in bed to recover.
So right now I’m calling out this lie in myself, I hope you will join me in embracing the truth that what I do is what I always do until I make the conscious choice to change. Or to quote Newton: an object in motion says in motion until it is forced by a bigger object to either stop, or change course. I’m no physicist, but I find Newton’s work quite applicable to the human psyche, we stay our course until interrupted. And if that course is harmful to us the interruption can be brutal.
We know that doing something consistently is what defines us. And maybe this is what makes change so difficult, because it’s not just the making of the change, but it is also the redefining of who we are, while grieving the loss of who we were.
So here we are in mid-January. I can do a quick check of my goals for the month to see how successful I’m being. And I will, but for this moment I’m sitting with who I am. This woman who has gone through so much in her life, who has made so many changes, and who remains frustrated by goals she cannot seem to achieve and I sit with her because she’s in pain and needs presence.
That may read and feel super existential and weird, that’s ok. I hope you are beginning to grasp what self care looks like in this moment: being present with myself. Accepting where I am in this moment and experiencing the feelings I feel.
I receive this gift of care tonight: 5 minutes of breathing deeply while acknowledging my journey, my frustrations, and my pain.
I release these lies and cover these wounds with the balm of truth.
I celebrate the choices I made to care for me today by __________.
I’ve been thinking about fall, personal growth, spiritual health, and preparing for winter. Before now I had not really thought about my spirit in seasons before, or how the natural order of seasons affects my spirit. I’ve gone through experiences that felt like seasons in my soul: growth, harvest, death, rebirth. But those feel personal, and have not always aligned with the seasonal changes in the world around me. Since the mind, body, and soul are so wholly connected it makes sense that as my mind and body walk through these physical seasons that my spirit would as well.
The Greek word Psuche (soo-kay) means breath, life, spirit, essence. Like all aspects of humans the psuche grows too. But what does that look like? In my experience the spirit/soul is filled with the more delicate and covert things. Where you might experience the physical growth of 2in, or being able to bench press 150lbs; spiritual growth is choosing maturity where one used to race into folly. Where mental growth is more about capacity for, and application of, knowledge; spiritual is about having the ability to be, to connect that knowledge to a greater purpose. My faith practice says that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. Therefore I am taking account of these elements as I process my growth this year. How have you grown spiritually this year?
What are you doing with the harvest? This is a tough one for me because this year I have grown in the essence of my being. I don’t necessarily want to be as vulnerable as sharing these intimate places of growth with anyone requires. So I am challenged because harvest isn’t just about sustaining through winter, harvest is about community. When I share my growth with others they learn about themselves, they are challenged to grow; to share and celebrate growth; and to prune out the dead in themselves. As I am when they share with me.
Winter is coming, how are you preparing for it? Winter is most often equated with death, and we all need old parts of our self to die. The parts that no longer benefit us. The parts that no longer are us, but that we are forced to wear because we once did, and people might not recognize us without them. Winter is also a time to rest, restore, and reconnect. We can prepare for that by bringing in the harvest now!
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A few months ago I began to, more frequently, hear about this “phenomenon” called “Cancel Culture.” So I googled it and discovered it is essentially boycotting individuals based on their expressed opinions. There really is nothing new under the sun, I did this in middle school! Except I didn’t have social media by which to unfollow someone, we just ignored them. Cancel culture works because of group think. Group think is the term for the behavior all humans participate in: doing what must be done to align with the group. In a pop culture reference: on Wednesdays we wear pink.
The reality of adult life is that there are more and more groups with whom one may identify. It is becoming increasingly common to hear all of my words applauded by everyone because those with whom I interact share my same values and opinions. Which makes cancel culture almost moot! I don’t have to agree with you, I can just find people on my side. We can all hate you together. What a waste of energy. Hate it not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate is the pain reaction from love, it says that because I love you and you hurt me so deeply I will hate you until you feel my pain. Therefore cancel culture, boycotting, icing someone out, all become useless because I continue to give this person my energy.
It’s time for a different solution: forgiveness. Forgiveness is defined by psychologists as the conscious and intentional decision to release the feeling of resentment toward a person who has harmed me, regardless of what that person actually deserves. In forgiving I let go of the pain and I choose to move forward without hate and bitterness. But it does not require me to forget what I learned about this person. I don’t have to befriend them on Facebook. I don’t have to follow them on insta. I am also free from finding others with my pain and sitting in it together, rehashing our pain and hatred over and over. There is an incredible amount of freedom for you when you forgive instead of cancel.
What do you do after you forgive? The first step is assessing the relationship you have with this person as your next steps will be determined by the relationship you have and the boundaries you keep as a person. Familial relationships require different care than the fan-to-celebrity relationship. Friends are quite different from lovers. There are different levels of experience, knowledge, mutual investment, and respect. These must be considered to be able to make a choice.
The second step is assessing your self: is it time for new boundaries? Are you being petty? Are you asserting your self when folks go to far? What are you looking for from friends? A lover? Family? Have you wronged them and this was their retaliation? Remember: you are responsible for you, you have to check you and do the hard work of growing too.
The third step is to make a plan within your relational boundaries and stick to it. So often relationships are passive, things happen and we show up or we don’t, but we don’t think about it. This is the time to practice intentionality. Intentionally decide how you would like to treat those you forgive. Intentionally communicate with them. Intentionally walk away. Whatever you choose, choose it and follow through.
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One of the most powerful elements of life is silence. Silence is like a knife, incredibly useful, while incredibly dangerous. I have learned how to use this tool for the benefit of my clients, and dealt with the consequences when I have misused it among friends or family. Because silence is a void, it brings out the rawness in our humanity. Out of insecurity we thoughtlessly fill it. Out of fear we use it to manipulate. Because we don’t know our true self, we fill the silent void so that we are not left to get to know our self.
The truth is we are not safe alone with our minds, in the silence, for too long. Humans were made for relationship, so where there is relational void, our minds make stuff up to fill it in. It is in the silence that our fears and insecurities scream the lies we so easily believe. It is into my silence that others project onto me what they think I think, who they think I am, and how I need to live; based on their own perceptions and beliefs. We have all used silence to freeze someone out at some point, but this is futile as they will create their own narrative regarding my behavior because I have chosen not to communicate my reasoning.
As I said above, silence isn't all bad, it is quite useful, if you are intentional in it. As a life coach it is beneficial to my clients that I hold safe silence for them to work through their struggles. In my practice of self care I find silence can be a balm in the chaos. There is much to be gained by pausing to sit in silence, with my journal, to hear my heart and to process what is going on in my world. In our modern age we are bombarded daily with the chaos and noise of social media, tv, radio, text messages, dm’s, emails... it is highly beneficial to turn off all of those sources of noise and info, and to enjoy the peace and quiet that you enter into. The key is not to live there. The danger in choosing to live in silence, without input from anyone, is to create a vacuum, a fantasy, an unrealistic world where everything goes the way we think, and the corresponding brutal awakening of reality. The goal of intentional silence is to rediscover what you do and do not need for a fulfilling life, to lower anxiety, and to realign your life in a way that is meaningful and intentional, to no longer live by the impulsive reacting to the chaotic noise.
There are also the many benefits of sacred silence. I define sacred silence as the intentional practice of silence for personal care and spiritual growth. Years ago I heard a priest say that we fast to remove something so that we have more space to hear the still small voice of God. I have lived this out more than once! In removing social media for a weekend I rediscover the blessing and joys of a headspace free from the restraints of that medium, and perceived judgements of my audience. In fasting from food I am free to meditate on what truly feeds my soul. In taking a silent retreat I intentionally create a void, a silent space to process my faith, my hopes, my dreams, my life. I honor my self with silent space, but I don’t live there. I use this tool to adjust my path, to reset my heart, and to move forward with less chaotic noise.
How will you use the tool of silence today?
When will you schedule a silent reset?
Share below, I cannot wait to hear how you are changed!
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This week has been full of conversations with the downtrodden. Folks so thoroughly discouraged that they don’t even have the energy to decide to give up. I have spoken to the broken and depressed; those too anxious to move; and those who were raised to believe that doing something to move themselves forward is crazy and shouldn’t be attempted. While I continue to be amazed at the lies and limitations I believe for myself. I find that it is far easier to see them in someone else, and to help these folks reframe them into positives. And the one common denominator in all of us is a lack of truth.
As I listened to each of these sweet souls I heard one after the other reflect my own struggle to hear and know the truth. Truth became relative years ago and now we use superlatives and “literally” incorrectly to attempt to make our honest point, where it used to be just the plain old truth. With relative truth it becomes more difficult to discern out the lies. As those lies choke out the truth, our souls begin to starve. When our souls are starving for truth a variety of things can happen, from stress and anxiety, to feeling like we have lost our way, to feeling hopeless in all our endeavors. We feel passion and fear simultaneously and it causes us to panic. Those feelings are conflicting, an inner conflict that is exposing a whole storm beneath the surface.
The good news is that you are not crazy! You are just starving. It’s time to feed your soul! One obvious way is through your religious practice. But there are other ways to silence the lies and embrace the truth. One of my favorites is sitting with a wise friend and sharing what is on my mind. Getting that sage feedback, helping me sort out my thoughts and beliefs about something is so powerful in changing not only my mindset, but how I am presenting my self. Our thoughts become words and actions and our behavior is always telling of that which is below the surface. Other ways to feed your soul are: to get out into nature; to be intimate with your person; to take a journey; to be creative; to enjoy the creative works of others; to pause to breathe and journal and to feel safe in the moment; and more. (Feel free to add your favorite soul feeding activity in the comments.)
In our rapidly changing world we need to remember that we are worthy of taking care of us, feeding our souls, making new choices, and having new adventures. So, how will you feed your soul today?
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