Today, a random Thursday in January, I reopened the calorie counter on my phone for the first time in months. I knew it would be messy. I knew that my numbers would be wrong. And I knew that there was no point in waiting until Monday. I wondered why we play this game of “I’ll start then, and until then I’ll do whatever I want!” What is with this belief of one last hurrah? We tell ourselves that we deserve it, or that we want to enjoy it, or whatever because we are about to do something major in our lives... I call this a big lie. A lie we all enjoy believing at some point. A lie I use often to make me feel better about the state of my life, the disorganization of my eating, the sheer chaos of my weeks... but I survived and therefore I earned a nap... this ice cream... a day in bed to recover.
So right now I’m calling out this lie in myself, I hope you will join me in embracing the truth that what I do is what I always do until I make the conscious choice to change. Or to quote Newton: an object in motion says in motion until it is forced by a bigger object to either stop, or change course. I’m no physicist, but I find Newton’s work quite applicable to the human psyche, we stay our course until interrupted. And if that course is harmful to us the interruption can be brutal.
We know that doing something consistently is what defines us. And maybe this is what makes change so difficult, because it’s not just the making of the change, but it is also the redefining of who we are, while grieving the loss of who we were.
So here we are in mid-January. I can do a quick check of my goals for the month to see how successful I’m being. And I will, but for this moment I’m sitting with who I am. This woman who has gone through so much in her life, who has made so many changes, and who remains frustrated by goals she cannot seem to achieve and I sit with her because she’s in pain and needs presence.
That may read and feel super existential and weird, that’s ok. I hope you are beginning to grasp what self care looks like in this moment: being present with myself. Accepting where I am in this moment and experiencing the feelings I feel.
I receive this gift of care tonight: 5 minutes of breathing deeply while acknowledging my journey, my frustrations, and my pain.
I release these lies and cover these wounds with the balm of truth.
I celebrate the choices I made to care for me today by __________.
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