We are finishing the season of graduations, college a month ago, and high schools in my area graduate over the next week - yes, I know how late that is! The reminder I get from graduations is two fold, the first is that from every new beginning comes from some others beginnings end (thank you Semisonic). And the second is that graduations mark the moment where a group of people who have been sharing life together complete that season, and go different ways.
The road of life takes us all different places, and what we focus on is what we become. When looking back across the years it is easy to wonder where someone else went, what they are up to, and why you no longer have a relationship. But what may be less obvious is how much you have changed as you have made the choices that have shaped your life. We are so used to being us that we don’t notice changes unless they are rapid and big.
The reality is that most change happens slowly and intentionally until one day you look back and realize that this is no longer who you are, but who you were. As beautiful as it is to arrive at this place, it is also the place where you will begin to realize that those friends who aren’t growing like you are, or in the direction you are, are a place of discomfort as you struggle to continue to connect with someone whom you care about, but with whom you have less and less in common. At some point if your friend really cares they will ask you, in some form, “where did you go?”
For some, losing relationships that no longer fit is just a part of life. But for others it becomes a painful choice between paying the cost of losing friendships, or paying the price of being the person they want you to be. Each choice costs and brings different outcomes. May we all be so fortunate to be surrounded by close friends who are also growing and seeking the best for each other. But for those friends we lose, and the ones we have not yet grown into knowing, it is a painful, awkward, and isolated season of growth.
It is easy to feel lost in these transitional seasons where you have outgrown one area of life, but are still growing into a new place. Don’t stop! It may look and feel like you are alone, but you aren’t, you just haven’t found your people yet. As a coach I have tools that can help you get there faster. Don’t wander endlessly! You can sign up here for a free 30 min session to see how it works.
Dr. Jordan Peterson said “One of the advantages of being true to your own visions is that you won’t get what you don’t want.” The opposite reality being that if you don’t keep true then you won’t get what you so desire. For many this is the greatest consequence in life, to get to the end and not feeling like it mattered. This is why so many people spend their 30’s reassessing the priorities that they set in their 20’s and why by the late 30’s it looks like they are having a crisis because they make so many big changes in quick fashion.
It is not a crisis to make changes and create the lifestyle that you want.
It is not a crisis to change careers, even if that is leaving the workplace to be a SAHM.
It is not a crisis to move five states a way.
It is not a crisis to align all of your time and money to reflect your values and to stop trying to keep up with the expectations of others.
It is not a crisis to buy chickens and start a garden.
It is not a crisis to get a new car, as long as it is within your budget.
Even if you do all of these things, it doesn’t mean you are having a crisis! Maybe it means for the first time ever you are not in a crisis! Have you paused to recognize the chaos you were living in, the constant conflict with yourself, by living out expectations that didn’t align with your values, with your priorities, and were pulling you further away from your goals?
Or are you that person who is reading this and for the first time you are wondering if you really do have permission to dream, to live out that vision, and to pursue your life in a way that makes your heart sing? Yes, you do have permission.
Where ever you land in this process here are three areas to focus on to align your life and avoid the internal chaos:
- Your highest values. What matters most to you in life? What do you refuse to compromise? What do you want to define you? These are your highest values.
- Your values will help you choose priorities. Throughout life our priorities change and as they change we adjust the goals we need to achieve to fulfill our prioritized values. For example, if one of your highest values is to be a mom, as you let this value set priorities you may adjust your goals to reduce how much you work outside the home so that you can spend more time with your kids.
- Last but not at all least, your faith. In fact, this is probably your highest value, which will definitely influence your priorities. But I find that when I do the work in this order that I expose my true self, my deepest heart, by naming my values and priorities, and then I check them against my faith and what God says about me, and about them. This might feel like double the work, but the resistance I have towards God when I already know what is in my heart and coming from me is less when I realize that He is asking me to give up something I think is so great for something that He knows is far greater.
Like Peterson said, being true to your vision for life will get you what you want. But you won’t have that life until you do the work to get it. What you choose is what you have.
Are you feeling stuck in this process? An endless battle with yourself? Feel like you have to battle everyone else to convince them that you are on the right path for you? This is what I do as a coach, help you navigate the path to creating a life that you can live in the fullness of who you are and what matters most to you. Get your free sample session here.
Over the holidays I heard a quote that really challenged me, but that I won’t quote accurately, it was something like “Do the stories you tell in public match how you live in private?” The obvious challenge here is to see if my actions match my words in both public and private spaces. The greater challenge that I find in this quote is to question the stories I tell myself in private, do those align with who I really am and how I live?
Throughout our lives no one talks to us more than we do to ourselves. The internal dialogue we have shapes not only how we view the world, but how we view ourselves, and from these viewpoints we present who we are, or who we think we are supposed to be, to the world in public and private spaces.
It seems to be easy to fake it until you make it, to pretend to be what you want to become, but inside you know the truth and the part of you that so deeply longs to be seen, known, and loved as you truly are does not allow you to believe that you are someone that are are not. This is not to say that you don’t need to change, and grow, and become more tomorrow than you are today, but to say that there is a great value in living authentically and with integrity. It can also be scary, especially if you have often experienced negative responses to the parts of you that you like the most, for example, if you like that you are a kind person, but you have been brutally mocked for this kindness.
As you consider how you want to show up in the world, both in public and private spaces you may hear those negative thoughts race through your mind “you aren’t really kind, you are selfish and only do nice things for others so they like you and do nice things back.” How you handle this inner dialogue will make all the difference as you become who you truly are and create the life you actually want. As a coach this is what I do. It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself and give into those voices, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of what you think is expected of you. I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min session here.
I have some clients who have done so much work, reached so many goals, that they only check in with me from time to time when they need an outside perspective, some encouragement, and the reminder of how far they have come. I am always happy to hear how they are doing, and to celebrate their wins, so I happily receive these calls.
The reality of life is that we get so caught up in our own minds, and all that is normal about our own experiences that we need to check in with someone periodically to make sure we are on the right path. After making some serious changes to our perspective and world, we need someone to remind us that we are on the right path because it feels wrong and abnormal.
This is also why we need encouragement, we need to be celebrated for continuing the change. It is super easy to slip back into old habits and ways, while not as easy to recalibrate our lives and maintain the new normal. Initially the new normal feels weird, it takes time to feel comfortable there, so when you are making new choices in a new normal, it takes encouragement to believe in your ability to do new things.
Which is why I love it when these clients who have “graduated” coaching call me back for a brief check up. I get to see how far they have come, how much self confidence they have developed, and how much of what we worked through is continually applied in their lives. I have to celebrate their work, growth, and journey! I even celebrate that they have reached a place where all they need is a brief check up!
Coaching is such an amazing way to take your life to the level you have been longing for. One where you thrive; are safe; have relationships that feed you as well as be fed by you; and where you are growing into the goals and life you were made for! It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of whatever happened to you. As a coach, this is what I do, and I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min sample session here.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are you looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow as a person, then check out my community group.
I am one to push myself hard and far, to the end of my limits and then some if I can! But there is one limit that I cannot push, and that is time. June is a difficult month for me as I have lost a lot of people very dear to me during June. I also have a lot of friends, and family, who were born in June. Life and death remembered all at once is the most real aspect of living, because they do go hand in hand. The longer I live the more aware I am that I don’t know how much time I have, and therefore I need to use it well.
I hate feeling like I’m wasting time. There are hours that I know I have wasted, and I have to be honest about that. And then there are the hours, days, weeks, or even seasons that feel wasted, only to look back later to see that they were not. I believe that I am exactly where I need to be, learning and growing as I am able to, and I need grace for this journey. I also have to be real about procrastination and wasting time.
Because the days turn so quickly into years, it is so important to live intentionally every day. Knowing what you want out of life, breaking that down into attainable goals, and taking a step each and every day is the best way I know how to reach those life goals, regardless of how big they are. To dream so big that you have to grow to reach it means taking one, or two, intentional steps every day so that when you get there you are the person you want to be, living the life you want, and being how you want to be remembered.
Tell me below what big goal you have, and one step you will take today so that I can cheer you on.
