Summer Solstice

Summer Solstice
Happy Summer Solstice! As we approach the end of June I am, again, amazed at how quickly time has gone! Half the year has already passed and I am looking at my goals for the year and checking my progress. How about you, are you making progress? 
I was reminded this week that if you never have time for what matters, you never will. It is not about time, it is about intention and priority. You can put stuff off for later, just know that later always comes. With this in mind, Summer Solstice is the perfect time to pause and take account of what I intend to do, what I am prioritizing, and what I am expected to do. 
 Expectations are what others put upon us, and we let them. I am expected to enjoy summer to the full. I am expected to work a job pays bills, even if it's unfulfilling. I am expected to take a vacation and put it all over Insta. I am expected to put everyone before me to the detriment of my health. But what if I don't want these things? What if I don't intend to fulfill the expectations of others?
 What I intend to do comes out of who I am and what matters most to me and where my heart beats. It doesn't fulfill anyone's expectations but my own. I intend to do a lot of things, and I look forward to enjoying them, but I don't necessarily have time in one day to do all of them so I have to prioritize my to do list. 
 Prioritizing is the wonderful, beautiful skill of putting into order all that I intend to do! Prioritizing my to do list requires figuring out what matters most, and what needs to be done in the short term, and then identifying the order in which I am going to complete all that I intend. I will have time for these tasks because I am making time for them by setting the intention and prioritizing. I look forward to where I will be come Labor Day! Where will you be? Tell me below! 
 

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You Deserve Better

You Deserve Better
I received a message today asking "why don't I want to do life as I sit in my office today?" 
I asked "Is it because you are working a job that is not from your heart?"
She replied "No, definitely not from the heart."
This is a real struggle in our modern age. We have the basic financial demands of life that must be met. All the while we were raised with the idea that living from the heart, true to ourselves, is better than just surviving. Most of us find a tolerable path and fill our weekends and vacations with the life we really want, knowing that our day to day will provide us those moments. But deep down we aren't truly fulfilled. You have dreams that you have left buried deep in the background because every time you think about them you hear all of these voices in your head telling you why you won't achieve these dreams, repeating lies, and raising your self doubt. These words are holding you back, and helping you over come them is just the beginning of how I help my clients.
When you think about living the life of your hopes and dreams, what does that look like? 
What does that feel like?
What are you willing to do to achieve this life?
Dreams are a wonderful way to fill a day, but when it comes time to turn them into goals, to make a plan to achieve them, and do the hard things to reach them, this is where most folks decide to let them stay dreams. You deserve to live a meaningful life, from your heart, with the accomplishment that comes with making these dreams a reality. To get started today, I offer a free, 1 hour, sample session so you can see how I work for your success. Schedule yours here.

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Three Steps to Achievable Goals!

Three Steps to Achievable Goals!
 Every time someone asks me what my 5 year plan is I cringe, visibly. I struggle to make 5 year plans for a variety of reasons, maybe you do too, but I’m good at setting and meeting goals. So instead of plans, let’s talk about your goals, because without goals, there are no plans!
 The first step in goal setting is to make sure that your goals are in line with what you value, if not you will not achieve the goal, and it will cause you conflict with yourself. Most of the time when I see this struggle it is because there is an expectation that is put on you by your family, friends, or culture. This does not make the expectation bad, and it does not mean that your family and friends don’t know you, it simply means that there is something they find wonderful and want you to have the same wonderful thing in your life. What matters here is to put that expectation in the right place, and to make sure your goals align with your values.
 The second step in goal setting is to see how your goals overlap with each other instead of conflicting. Think of those diagrams with circles that overlap a little bit, or a lot. For example: I love hiking and have a life goal of hiking as long and as far as I can. So goals that overlap this are to live around mountains, keeping my body healthy and strong, and to have a career that allows me to hike as much as possible. 
 The last step in goal setting that I’ll discuss today is that your goals are reasonable, measurable, and attainable. Setting a goal of being a billionaire who lives on a private island sounds amazing. But it may be too far out of reach today, so you will need to set smaller goals to achieve first. The snowball effect shows us that by achieving small goals you will roll through bigger and bigger goals because you have the energy and proof of attaining the goals along the way. There is nothing wrong with dreaming big as long as you are willing to do the hard work of making the smaller dreams a reality along the way to the big one. 
 Remember that Goals are how
 I live my faith.
 I spend my time.
 I spend my energy.
 I use my body.
 I spend money.
 I make memories.
 I experience success.
 I want to be remembered.

 After you take a few minutes to ponder each of these questions, comment below what you are discovering about yourself and your goals! 


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What To Do!

What To Do!
When talking with my clients about their job or career I often hear their internal battle as: I don’t love what I do, but I cannot quit because I have nowhere to go. By this they suggest that they don’t know where they want to go, only that it’s not here. I have learned that when people feel stuck in a career, are burnt out, wanting out, and hating it, they have a disconnect inside that is causing this struggle.
 It is normal to want our work to have a sense of purpose and intentionality. We want work that is honest, ethical, and grounded in values that are in line with our personal beliefs. Most of all, we want to be interested in our field of work. That whole idea of “love what you do and you will never work a day in your life” isn’t entirely true, and we know it, but the truth in the sentiment is that when you are passionate about what you do, you will remain engaged with it. If your beliefs, faith, and values give you a purpose for life, it is only natural to want to implement this purpose, or calling, into your life. We spend so many hours each week working, it only makes sense to make money in this area.
 If you read this and think “but i don’t know what I am passionate about!” You are not alone! I recently had a client bring me this challenge. In such moments I bring clients back to what matters most to them. What are your values? 
When you think of your preferred lifestyle, what does that look like? 
What makes you happy that you don’t want demands on?
When you sit to think about who you really are and what purpose you have in this world, or what calling you have by faith, what is it?
How can you make a difference in the lives of others while providing for yourself and pursuing your own passion?

 As you take a few minutes to ponder each of these questions, what did you learn about yourself? Please share below! I enjoy helping people identify their passion and create a lifestyle that is authentic to who they are. I look forward to hearing how this helps you on your way.


Looking for regular thoughts on becoming a better you? Follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial

JADEd

JADEd

JADEd

  I’ve been thinking lately about what it takes to over come being abused. How it is a process that often lands one in a position to continue to be abused, but not as horribly as the first time so it feels better at first, and then you begin to feel crazy and like you can’t get away from abuse. Then you begin to think you are the problem, the toxic attracter of this treatment. Eventually you keep making better and better choices, learning what in you allows abusers in your life, and changing that. This is particularly true of those abused as children. We have victim habits. Habits make a lifestyle, and this is a lifestyle no one wants. 

  A few years back someone shared with me the concept of “JADE” which is how those who have come through abuse learn to 

Justify

Apologize

Defend

Explain

any and all actions of their own, their abusers, and anyone who doesn’t help them get safe. The difficulty in moving out of victimization and into freedom and health is dealing with this JADE, because at some point we need to apologize for our own behavior. We need to defend our actions. We need to explain what we’ve been through so that someone can help us move forward. So I have been thinking: “How does one JADE in a healthy way?” First we need to break down what this JADE really means.

 Justify: this isn’t about making it just. Making it fair. Or legally proving something permissible. Its about making excuses for your self, your abuser, and anyone who doesn’t help you get safe. “Well, he wasn’t sober so he lost control and hit me.” It’s the victim making excuses for the abusers actions.

 Apologize: The easiest way to determine someone is the victim of abuse is to listen to them apologizing for their very existence. It will break your heart. When a victim has to apologize to their abuser for their abusers actions they reach a whole new level of broken. They are expected to believe that they deserve what they get in response to some irrelevant action. The abuser does not apologize. Does not take ownership of their behavior. And they believe that you got what you deserve. 

 Defend: A human can only go so long before they realize that they are not always wrong and deserving of this poor treatment. Especially if one is facing verbal abuse. Not everyone gets treated the same, so why is this victim always being attacked? So the victim develops the habit of always having a prepared answer. They become the best defense lawyers in the land because they can defend every choice they make, you might not know this because they might not verbalize it, but in their mind they know every single choice they made and why.

 Explain: Sometimes victims need to explain away actions and behaviors. Sometimes they need to explain their defense. Sometimes victims explain things as a reality check. But most often this explaining is mirroring the abusers explaining. The abuser explains why they took the abusive action they did and the victim accepts it, only to wonder why when they explain things they are shut down and their explanations deemed stupid. Desperate to be heard victims explain and explain, and once they finally get someone to believe them hold onto that person because they need them!


To change we must replace behaviors, what we focus on is what we become. So when one finds their self JADEing they need a replacement option. Here are ones I’ve been trying out: Jubilation; Admission; Delegate; Expression. Here is what I’ve discovered:

 Jubilation is to celebrate! After years, maybe even decades, of being told how wrong, useless, and stupid one is, it takes a lot of work to learn to celebrate your good! To receive and own how smart, fun, creative, beautiful, talented, encouraging, faithful, patient, etc. that you really are. But the first step is to celebrate the positive truth about yourself that you do believe. This is a painful process because as one goes through they discover just how many layers of who they are have been damaged by mistreatment. But eventually ones language goes from justifying “I realize its kind of silly, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I guess I like that band.” To jubilation “I really enjoy this band! Their sound is my vibe and their lyrics resonate with me.” 

 Admission: to admit you are wrong. How is this different from an apology? Let’s look at this example: “I’m sorry that I lost my temper, but you really pushed me too far.” That is a FAKE apology. Here is a true apology because it admits and takes responsibility: “I’m sorry for what I did when I lost my temper, I made a bad choice and I am working on making choices that calm me down instead of lashing out.” Then following through. No follow through? FAKE apology. See the difference?

 Delegate: this one might seem weird, but to delegate to someone requires trust. If every time you try to trust someone they fail you then you’ve got to check yourself. Victims of abuse are often perfectionists in the hope that if they get everything perfect they won’t be abused. To delegate information to someone is to trust them. To delegate a task to someone is to trust them and accept the result, even if not perfect. To delegate means to come together and I no longer have to defend my lack of perfection. Instead we can embrace and celebrate our best.

 Express yourself: This one feels super close to “Explain.” But again, there is a difference if you can hear it, and in my understanding the biggest difference is anxiety. To explain oneself endlessly, not being comfortable in silence, and always having a long winded answer for every action made comes with a great weight of anxiety. But to express yourself. To answer a question clearly and without excess, that is a mature and healed skill. Mark Twain once wrote “I wrote you a long letter because I did not have time to write a short one.” A brilliant concept indeed. A well thought out answer is short and to the point. If you are expressing your opinion, ideas, story, you can be clear about it, you don’t have to reveal more than necessary, or more than you want to. For example: I write this from my friends deck. I can Explain to you why I’m here, it will take a paragraph and the goal will be for you to take pity on me and my series of frustrating events. Or I can express how delighted I am to sit on her deck, under a clear, blue sky, at almost 60* and express my thoughts in this blog. And this is the difference between having to Explain everything, and being able to Express oneself.


 I have lost count of those that I know who have been abused in one form or another. In our society we are a bit more aware of it right now as the dialogue in our entertainment media, #metoo, and other voices raise this truth: that humans have a horrible ability to mistreat each other. Humans also have an amazing ability to grow, change, and heal. The work to change and heal is mighty and I cheer on each and every one of you who is doing it! 


 
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