We are in the middle of the Holidays and for most of us they show up with a mixed bag of feelings because as much as we want to enjoy them, we are all too aware of how much we will need to protect ourselves as we visit with family and friends. If you are the scapegoat in your family you are already bracing yourself to be blamed for everything that's not perfect. Here are two skills for getting through this season:
1. Define What Boundaries Are.
Boundaries are the places from where you will no longer give, the disrespect you will no longer receive, and are most often the word "no." Being the kind person you are, you will want to do whatever it takes to keep the peace this holiday season, so setting a boundary and keeping it is scary because it will disrupt that peace for the family, but you will walk away with some peace for your self, as well as more self respect. Examples of Holiday boundaries: not being available for everything, "sorry, can't make it." Letting *that* family member know that if they continue to say rude things to you, your partner, or your kids, you will leave. (and then act accordingly, empty threats aren't boundaries.) Don't stay longer than you are comfortable, you deserve to be comfortable and when it no longer is simply say "Its been nice, but I need to leave now." You don't owe anyone an explanation.
2. Remember the Mine Principal: What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours.
This puts the responsibility for their actions on them, and yours on you. The more you are blamed for the actions of others the more guilt you feel for that which you cannot control, but you are not in control of how others talk or behave, you are in control of you and how you talk and behave. So control your self well, and walk away from those who are not interested in being held accountable for what is theirs.
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