I will set the boundary and hold it, while respecting myself and others, and not hold this power over them, but share it freely.
“Happy International Women’s Day!”
This greeted me everywhere earlier this week and I found myself having a lot of thoughts about being a woman, and about not caring that it was some kind of celebratory day. This juxtaposition intrigued me further, and I wrestled with it. Women are wired to be kind, nurturing, caring, loving, gracious, and gentle. We are socialized into believing what this “should” look like in our daily lives and behaviors. And the combination of this hard wiring and socialization means there is an inner conflict for many of us. This experience often breaks and distorts these traits, instead of being kind to others out of who I am, I am kind to them to get my needs met. Instead of being gentle and nurturing because of who I am, I use those traits as a manipulative weapon to convince people I care about them so that they don’t betray me.
What’s worse is that these traits are weaponized against women. We are guilt tripped by mass media, social media, and the entertainment industry to care about EVERYTHING with our whole being. Which maxes us out, stresses us out, and ultimately forces us to fake care by feeding us toxic levels of guilt. This experience seems to be worse for those women who spend a lot of time on social media where it is demanded by other users that they care as much about specific issues as the person sharing the posts. Some of these posts can be defined a “gas bombs” because they call out all those who don’t agree with them by defaming their character for not sharing or posting or virtue signaling or whatever. This is actually abusive and bullying behavior. To be told that I am an “ist” or an “ism” because I do not agree with you regardless of the truth about my character is defamation and abusive. Not to mention that it shows far more of the ugliness in the heart of the sharer than any truth about who I actually am.
These toxic guilt trip storms only get worse when we attempt to put up boundaries. I have been in conversations with more and more women who are navigating this delicate balance between wanting and needing a place online to have social connection, with an increasing need to protect their energy, emotions, and relationships. The struggle has been even more apparent over this past year where we have been reduced to relating online. Even so, we are guilt tripped about wearing masks, “you are going to kill someone’s granny!” We are guilt tripped about letting the government take the last of our freedoms. We are guilt tripped about getting outside for fresh air. We are guilt tripped for not making more of an effort in our relationships because its not like we can go anywhere anyway. And in increasing measure we are guilt tripped for thinking, asking questions, and looking at social issues from multiple perspectives instead of regurgitating the given narrative.
I remember visiting my Gramma a few years ago, the night after a mass shooting at a school, and we were watching these horrors play out on the evening news. When the news ended she waited for Jeopardy to come on, and when the news extended itself with a “special report” regarding the events of the day she asked me to change the channel because “they won’t have any new information, so lets watch something else.” I felt such relief in that moment because I felt guilty changing away from the news, like I was a horrible person for not caring that these children died. But Gramma was right, it was just guilt, and we could care about them and still watch something else. I miss that wise woman so much!
There is a difference between caring, caring less, not caring, and being against something. There are issues and people I care very deeply about and I don’t have must more capacity to love and care for any more than I do. I can find other issues worthy of my concern, but that doesn’t mean I have capacity to actually show my care. And this is ok. I am only one human and no single human has the energy to care for it all! Reality is that I don’t have to pour myself out over and over and over again until I am completely spent, depleted, and burnt out. And I am thankful that there are those in this world who do care about issues that are different then what I focus on. I can show them support and validate their concerns because theirs are as important as mine. But I can also choose how much of my energy, kindness, love, grace, and care I will give to it.
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of caring is cruelty, neglect, and indifference. And this week I have been reminded that I have a tendency to react to guilt trips with indifference, not that I am indifferent to the guilt, but that when I feel people trying to guilt me into whatever, I become indifferent to that cause. I am not cruel about it. I am not hateful, spiteful, or malicious. But I have the ability to just walk away with indifference, and sleep well that night because I know me, I know my limits and my boundaries and it is actually ok to not care as much. This does not make me a horrible human, but an intentional one. Would you rather have someone join your cause because they are guilty and burnt out? Or would you rather someone cheer you on, validating your intentional choice, while living out their own intentional choices? I know who is in my tribe and what really matters to us, do you?
Ready to make boundaries, free yourself from guilt, and live the life you want? Email me at the link below to find out how coaching can help you achieve these goals.
I have a huge personal goal that I won’t achieve this year. I grieve that I won’t, and I accept that I am not giving up on it until I do achieve it. Because of this it is so easy for me to want to decide that 2020 was a failure. But in pausing to do the work of honestly assessing my year I realize the opposite is true, 2020 held much growth for me, opportunities unforeseen, and some personal work that I didn’t realize was needed. Over a medium such as this I want to lightly celebrate that I got to hike more this year than a “normal” year would of allowed. But let’s get real, I preach that self care can heal, that it propels us into presenting who we really are to the world, and affords us what we need to live our best lives! I want you to know that I practice what I preach, so here goes, this year I cared for my self in mind, body, and soul in these ways:
First I prioritized sleep and water, without enough of each the brain struggles to function, the body struggles, and there is no capacity for soul care. In life first things must come first, this lesson has been repeated for me throughout this whole year. In getting enough sleep, and in drinking enough water, I’ve noticed improvements in mood; ability to focus; weight management; recovery from exercise; consistent energy levels; increased initiative and follow through; and the surprising winner, increased upholding of my own boundaries! What? I know, sounds so weird, but if I’m going to put me to sleep in time I must turn off first. So I reinforced some boundaries around texting, streaming, and social media while establishing a nighttime routine that fits who I am now and what I need to get to sleep on time.
Second, I prioritized journaling. What did I have to journal about in 2020? A lot! As part of my boundaries I have been learning what needs to be processed privately in a journal, and what needs to be processed with friends. Because of the change in how we connect in 2020 I found it increasingly easy to just talk to friends over one medium or another. The problem is that my private struggles were getting left all over the place, but in taking the time to put them in my journal, to process thoroughly before discussing with a friend, not only did I benefit from the personal growth, I could then decide how to present myself in this new knowledge to said friend and keep friend time for friend stuff, not just me stuff!
Third, I admitted and began to work on my food habits. I don’t eat as consistently or as nutritiously as needed and my body pays for it. Food is so good! It cares for us like only food can! And in addressing my bad food habits I discovered a lot about other bad habits that I’ve developed! Sure I use really good supplements to support where modern food falls short, but they cannot make up for a lack of food, a lack of calories, or a lack of overall nutrients. It is easy to write a resolution of losing 20lbs and judging ones success based on a number. It is far more difficult to look at ones knowledge and behaviors and make changes accordingly. I would love to tell you that I hit my weight loss goals, but I didn’t. Instead I discovered that my bad foods habits spill over into all areas of my life and those need to be addressed too. Like I said, I did a lot of unexpected personal work this year!
Which brings me to my fourth, and final, work of self care that has brought such a change in me this year: addressing my worthiness. Through many conversations I’ve discovered most folks don’t feel worthy to care for themselves, for whatever reason they have come to believe this. I am no different. I’ve spent a lot of this year challenging these beliefs, and learning to replace the behaviors learned from them. What this looks like is me asking why I think that I’m not worthy of sleep, and instead of working hard to prove myself and losing sleep, I choose to be worthy of care and put me to sleep. Small changes that have increased my confidence, health, and mental and spiritual well-being, creating a much bigger overall change.
Please don’t write off 2020 as a failure. Pause, do the work, and agree with me and Manchester Orchestra: “Let me open my eyes and be glad that I got here.” - The Silence
