Have you been there, talking about what you do, or hope to do, and people look at you like you are insane. They cannot make sense of how your life and schedule work. You don't stick to a 9-5, or 8-4. Maybe you don't follow the school calendar. Maybe you are a creative person who paints, write, or plays music, and your creative time is 1am. Maybe you are a service provider whose clients work 9-5, so you have to work around that schedule. Maybe you've found a career based on projects and not hours, so you work when you want to, and play when you want to. Maybe you are an entrepreneur and it feels like all you do is work.
The reality of any society is that the "rules" that govern it aren't there to harm, they are there to organize. We know certain businesses will be open from 9-5 Monday to Friday, and can plan accordingly. We know that the children will be in school 180 days a year on some schedule. We have a 2 day break we call a "week end". And lives are organized accordingly. So when you step out of this organization, you are fighting against all societal norms. And you are made to feel wrong. In feeling wrong you may cycle through convincing yourself your abnormal schedule is actually acceptable; and that it is the life that works for you; that you cannot go back to the crushing world you were in before; and that people need to get on your schedule instead of judging you for not being on theirs.
For some it seems easy to plant their flag and say "this is my ground, this is how I live, get over it!" But inside we all need acceptance. We all need approval from those we care about that what we are doing is acceptable to the community, and the world. So what do you do when the life you dream about, that you love, is adjacent to society?
First, be clear in yourself about this lifestyle and for what reasons you have made your life like this. I have a client who is a single mom, and talented artist. So her choice has been to create an art business around her schedule as a mom, one that can be flexible when school is out. One where she can thrive as a person, as a mom, and not pay thousands of dollars to childcare. But this looks like working odd hours, and not 9-5, and there are people around her who don't get it. And that is ok, because she does get it, and it works for her and her family!
Second, acknowledge the relationship that is questioning you. Is this an acquaintance? Then receive their questions as curiosity instead of judgment - even if you hear a judgmental tone. They don't really know you, their accepting of you is broader, of the community, and not a deep, intimate knowing of you and therefore painful rejection. If your dream fits you, works for you, that's all they need to know. But if this a close friend then you have a different conversation. People who really know you can hurt you deeply when they reject you because you have trusted them with so much of you. Most of these folks are celebrating you stepping into the fullness of who you are and how your life choices help you thrive. But for the few, for the family members who just don't get it, you have a choice regarding how much you will let them in on. You don't have to reveal everything to someone who doesn't get it, no matter how close you are. Keep you answers short and sweet, "You know how I enjoy painting, and you really enjoy how my paintings turn out? Well, this is making a living for me, so I'm going to do it."
Lastly, look at the results of your choices. If you are living the life you set out to make, then celebrate the fruit of your labor! If you are still in process, celebrate the progress you have made on your journey! It is so easy to look at how most people live and wonder if you should do the same, don't should yourself, should is a judgement. Maybe you need to keep your day job for a season or two while you get your new life set up, don't neglect your basic needs, nor your dream. These things take time and it's ok. The reality of big changes is that they are made up of hundreds of small changes over time.
Bonus thought: don't let the lie that you aren't doing enough steal your rest. Because your schedule is unique and doesn't align with everyone else's you don't have the rest breaks built in that we have placed in society. It is easy to forget to take a break, and easier to get burnt out. It is even easier to believe the lie that what you are doing isn't really work and therefore you haven't earned rest. The real question is: have you rested enough to perform to the standard you expect of yourself?
I'd love to hear what you are working on, drop a comment below about how you are changing your life, the dreams you are creating, and what struggle you continue to face.
I have some clients who have done so much work, reached so many goals, that they only check in with me from time to time when they need an outside perspective, some encouragement, and the reminder of how far they have come. I am always happy to hear how they are doing, and to celebrate their wins, so I happily receive these calls.
The reality of life is that we get so caught up in our own minds, and all that is normal about our own experiences that we need to check in with someone periodically to make sure we are on the right path. After making some serious changes to our perspective and world, we need someone to remind us that we are on the right path because it feels wrong and abnormal.
This is also why we need encouragement, we need to be celebrated for continuing the change. It is super easy to slip back into old habits and ways, while not as easy to recalibrate our lives and maintain the new normal. Initially the new normal feels weird, it takes time to feel comfortable there, so when you are making new choices in a new normal, it takes encouragement to believe in your ability to do new things.
Which is why I love it when these clients who have “graduated” coaching call me back for a brief check up. I get to see how far they have come, how much self confidence they have developed, and how much of what we worked through is continually applied in their lives. I have to celebrate their work, growth, and journey! I even celebrate that they have reached a place where all they need is a brief check up!
Coaching is such an amazing way to take your life to the level you have been longing for. One where you thrive; are safe; have relationships that feed you as well as be fed by you; and where you are growing into the goals and life you were made for! It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of whatever happened to you. As a coach, this is what I do, and I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min sample session here.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are you looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow as a person, then check out my community group.
I have found that the only thing that shame does is shut us down. It petrifies us. In modern language petrify typically means fear, and shame does bring fear and anxiety, but it comes from a root word that means rock. Therefore shame makes us like rocks, frozen, unable to move, unable to think, unable to function.
We often correlate the experience of shame with being judged because we don’t know that we have done something shameful until we are told that it is. I am reminded of the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Every night they would take a walk with God, then one night God comes looking for them, they weren’t right there ready to walk, and when God finds them hiding, He asks why they hid. Adam tells him “I heard you in the garden and I hid because I am naked.” God replied “who told you that you are naked?” God acknowledges Adam's shame, and that God wasn’t the one shaming him. God knows what shame does to us! That it petrifies us, which means we are stuck in a place of shame, and being stuck is as bad for us as shame!
The way to get past the stuckness of shame is to first identify the shame. Without identifying why you feel ashamed you cannot face the issue and be set free from it. And that is the second step, to face it. If someone has made you feel shame, then there is something in their words that resonates in you. In the example I gave above, Adam and Eve felt shame for being naked. This was a new experience for them and they didn’t understand what was going on. They needed God’s perspective on the situation, and once they had it they understood why they felt ashamed. If you don’t understand why you feel the shame, then you need to look at it from a different perspectives:
What is true about this shame?
What is a lie?
What can I change about these things?
Why do I believe this?
Change and growth require movement. Shame stops us every time. It trips us up and holds us back. Which is why the third step is to get moving again. You’ve done the work around the shame, now it’s time to show yourself that this shame holds no power over you and move forward to being your true self, worthy of all you work for.
Looking for regular thoughts on becoming a better you? Follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial
When I think about some of my favorite memories I am reminded that serving others is such an important part of life. I have so many wonderful memories of serving others, sometimes openly in a group activity, sometimes quietly like giving a stranger a ride. People often say they want to leave the world a better place, but their actions don’t show it. So how can you improve your life, and the world, through service?
If you are one of the many who are completely overwhelmed by life and cannot imagine squeezing in another thing, then you are probably about to skip the rest of this blog, but wait! Before you go, pause a moment and look at your weekly schedule and ask yourself "who am I serving every day?"
The truth is mom's serve their families first. This is a beautiful and necessary thing. As a mom you have a lot of opportunities through out the day and week to serve your friends and their kids as well by encouraging them, car pooling, and providing an hour of child care so your friend can breathe a little. Remember that service doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It can be as simple as taking the time to listen to someone who needs a listening ear, or sending a kind text message to a friend. By making service a part of your daily life, you can improve the lives of others and make the world a better place, one small act at a time.
Maybe you have wanted to do more, but cannot figure out where to start, I suggest taking a moment to listen to your heart. Serving from the heart can be so rewarding. If you see a need and cannot figure out how to meet it. Look around your community, what are the local churches doing? Can you join them? Is there something more calling you? Take the time to listen to it, to understand what you are being called to do, and then learn how to. get it done.
Service is such a beautiful part of life, don't miss it because you think you can't. Recognize the small moments where you can quietly serve another, as well as the big opportunities. Living life to the full requires sharing life! I want to hear how you serve your world, go ahead and share in the comments below!
If you are looking for more ideas on how to live intentionally follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial
When talking with my clients about their job or career I often hear their internal battle as: I don’t love what I do, but I cannot quit because I have nowhere to go. By this they suggest that they don’t know where they want to go, only that it’s not here. I have learned that when people feel stuck in a career, are burnt out, wanting out, and hating it, they have a disconnect inside that is causing this struggle.
It is normal to want our work to have a sense of purpose and intentionality. We want work that is honest, ethical, and grounded in values that are in line with our personal beliefs. Most of all, we want to be interested in our field of work. That whole idea of “love what you do and you will never work a day in your life” isn’t entirely true, and we know it, but the truth in the sentiment is that when you are passionate about what you do, you will remain engaged with it. If your beliefs, faith, and values give you a purpose for life, it is only natural to want to implement this purpose, or calling, into your life. We spend so many hours each week working, it only makes sense to make money in this area.
If you read this and think “but i don’t know what I am passionate about!” You are not alone! I recently had a client bring me this challenge. In such moments I bring clients back to what matters most to them. What are your values?
When you think of your preferred lifestyle, what does that look like?
What makes you happy that you don’t want demands on?
When you sit to think about who you really are and what purpose you have in this world, or what calling you have by faith, what is it?
How can you make a difference in the lives of others while providing for yourself and pursuing your own passion?
As you take a few minutes to ponder each of these questions, what did you learn about yourself? Please share below! I enjoy helping people identify their passion and create a lifestyle that is authentic to who they are. I look forward to hearing how this helps you on your way.
Looking for regular thoughts on becoming a better you? Follow me on Instagram @DeborahSpragueOfficial
