At some point in high school we all exclaimed “who told you that!” To a friend, or a parent, who told you either that your secret was out, or that someone was spreading lies about you, or some combo of both. I remember that sinking feeling of the weight of the mess I knew I now had to clean up.
High school was a long time ago, and part of growing up is realizing that I cannot control what others say about me, only what I say about me. But what about what I say TO me? Do you pay attention to what you think about yourself? Do you find yourself wondering where these ideas came from? We get bogged down in a swamp of anxiety and negative thoughts without ever asking “who told me this?”
Who told you that you are not worthy of self care? And why do you repeat it to you? You will not have time to care for you until you prioritize you! The minute you discover you are worthy of caring for you is the moment you schedule some you time!
Wait, what excuse are you making? So you have kids? All the more reason to take care of you! If you are on empty then you’ve got nothing to give them.
Oh, your life is so busy? Are you kidding me? Whose life isn’t overloaded? Saying “No.” to people and opportunities, without explanation, is self care.
Oh, you think you can’t afford self care because spa days are so expensive? Then it’s time to rethink self care. Self care is not all special days, treats, and adventures. It starts with accepting the truth that you are worthy to be cared for, and living this truth.
Let’s talk about this practically. What are some basic level self care actions? Sleep, nutritious food, showering, drinking enough water; these are all basic physical care. Taking a 1-3 hour break from social media, and/or your cell phone; spending 20 minutes talking to a friend; taking 2 minutes for deep breathing; reading; utilizing your favorite creative outlet; these are all basic care for your mental and emotional self. Taking time to meditate and pray; read sacred passages; appreciate the beauty around you; pause to be thankful for the life you have; these are all basic care for your soul self. So receive the gift of 2 minutes of self care today, what will it look like?
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A few months ago I began to, more frequently, hear about this “phenomenon” called “Cancel Culture.” So I googled it and discovered it is essentially boycotting individuals based on their expressed opinions. There really is nothing new under the sun, I did this in middle school! Except I didn’t have social media by which to unfollow someone, we just ignored them. Cancel culture works because of group think. Group think is the term for the behavior all humans participate in: doing what must be done to align with the group. In a pop culture reference: on Wednesdays we wear pink.
The reality of adult life is that there are more and more groups with whom one may identify. It is becoming increasingly common to hear all of my words applauded by everyone because those with whom I interact share my same values and opinions. Which makes cancel culture almost moot! I don’t have to agree with you, I can just find people on my side. We can all hate you together. What a waste of energy. Hate it not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate is the pain reaction from love, it says that because I love you and you hurt me so deeply I will hate you until you feel my pain. Therefore cancel culture, boycotting, icing someone out, all become useless because I continue to give this person my energy.
It’s time for a different solution: forgiveness. Forgiveness is defined by psychologists as the conscious and intentional decision to release the feeling of resentment toward a person who has harmed me, regardless of what that person actually deserves. In forgiving I let go of the pain and I choose to move forward without hate and bitterness. But it does not require me to forget what I learned about this person. I don’t have to befriend them on Facebook. I don’t have to follow them on insta. I am also free from finding others with my pain and sitting in it together, rehashing our pain and hatred over and over. There is an incredible amount of freedom for you when you forgive instead of cancel.
What do you do after you forgive? The first step is assessing the relationship you have with this person as your next steps will be determined by the relationship you have and the boundaries you keep as a person. Familial relationships require different care than the fan-to-celebrity relationship. Friends are quite different from lovers. There are different levels of experience, knowledge, mutual investment, and respect. These must be considered to be able to make a choice.
The second step is assessing your self: is it time for new boundaries? Are you being petty? Are you asserting your self when folks go to far? What are you looking for from friends? A lover? Family? Have you wronged them and this was their retaliation? Remember: you are responsible for you, you have to check you and do the hard work of growing too.
The third step is to make a plan within your relational boundaries and stick to it. So often relationships are passive, things happen and we show up or we don’t, but we don’t think about it. This is the time to practice intentionality. Intentionally decide how you would like to treat those you forgive. Intentionally communicate with them. Intentionally walk away. Whatever you choose, choose it and follow through.
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This year has been a lesson, a struggle, and completely overwhelming to all of us. The greatest lesson I have been learning this year has been about fear. Fear is a natural part of humanity. Fear triggers fight or flight. Fear can be a healthy warning, especially around deadly animals, or the edge of a cliff. But there is a dark side to fear; it can manipulate us, paralyze us, stir us into a panic. And I have seen, and experienced, all of those this year.
When the pandemic first set in I sat at home and did my best to work, but eventually I realized that I felt like I was sitting there waiting to die. There was so much chaos and confusing information at that time that I felt manipulated into believing something, anything, instead of being empowered to educate myself. While I didn’t panic purchase toilet paper, I did react to given info instead of pausing to think it through and respond. It took some time for me to realize how much fear had crept in, and when I did I realized that I needed to make a choice: to live out of fear, or to live in freedom.
It is super easy right now to point to big issues in our world and decide what others are choosing out of fear, or out of freedom, but even that is a self protective measure that comes from fear. The truth is that I cannot decide for you, I cannot control you, I can only judge you and control my self. I do not want to carry the weight of judging, and that is my choice. I do have the freedom to educate myself, to choose to respond and not react, to assess the information I have and to make the best choice possible.
When I’ve heard folks talk about different mindsets I didn’t know, from experience, how difficult it would be to make the shift from one to another, or how seemingly small steps would have such huge results. I have lived out of fear for so long that it is familiar, comfortable, and seems safe. But as I am embracing the discomfort of change I am not only finding freedom, but safety. Living out of fear is exhausting. This intentional mindset of making the best choices I can and moving forward in freedom, living by my conscious, letting the spirit move, is energizing and a whole new world!
All it takes is pausing and asking me: is this a fear reaction, or an intentional choice?
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“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion, with the same speed and in the same direction, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
Newton’s first law of physics is applicable across all areas of life, especially self care. While it is more likely to sound like the quip on the left, the truth remains that human behavior has a powerful “unbalanced force” of a tool called “choice.” We make choices all day, every day, passively, assertively, and even unconsciously. It is easy to ignore that we make these choices, or to blame them on others, but that doesn’t benefit us. The last choice you actively made was to read this blog. (Thank you!) You probably didn’t think much on this choice before doing it. It probably felt more like an action than a choice. But what about the negative choices? The one you made passively, or subconsciously, and don’t like the result of? What would happen if you acknowledge that you did, in fact, make that choice?
What would happen if you paused to think through how that choice was made, and what choice you would like to make next time? What outcome do you want, and how do you get there?
I’m late in posting this blog. You probably didn’t notice. But I know it. Just like I know every excuse I made about every choice I made while procrastinating my writing! So this is a challenge to me too! This afternoon I chose to entertain distractions. I told me that I had no words anyway... so here I am, finding the words, and challenging myself to think through how I got here and reminding myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and so are you. You didn’t get here by chance, you got here by choice. And you ARE here. Pause and give your self the gift of acknowledging it.
— I am exactly where I am supposed to be. —
Now you face another choice: do I beat me up for being here? Or do I accept it and look for my new choice, my new opportunity, the me I want to be? If you choose the latter, then we are on the same path my friend! Comment below on what this new choice is and we can celebrate our journey together!
Want to be more proactive in your self care? Get your free resource here!
Last night was one of those nights where the concepts and principles of self care were less existential and more practical. I am intentional with my self care every day: getting enough sleep; what I feed myself; taking time to create; taking time for relationships; taking time to feed my soul. Even so, last night I was out of gas!
All too often our gas tanks run out at a time when doing self care isn’t a possibility. This is in part because of how we think of the self, and what we think is required to care for it. From that perspective I didn’t have time to self care last night. I didn’t have time for a long soak in a bath; or a cup of tea and my journal; or a heart to heart with my bff. For most of us we believe that self care is a splurge, it’s extra, and it is more than we deserve. This is a lie. The truth is that you have a self, and it IS worthy of care. So what does care for the soul in a practical, “hack,” kind of way?
The first step I take is to take a deep breath and to ask me what part of me is so depleted? The body, mind, and soul are so interconnected that it can take a moment to recognize which part is depleted, and sometimes it is the whole.
Upon identifying the need I was then able to assess what I needed to feed myself. This is beyond nutrition, but what I feed my mind, what I feed my soul. Sure my feelings want mac n cheese with an ice cream chaser. But is that really going to feed me? I might reach for wine or beer, claiming it as a reward for getting through these tough days, but is it actually feeding me? I can binge for hours on a streaming service, but is it feeding me? I can talk to a friend, but is it feeding me?
The third step is asking me what action do I need to take? It sounds counter productive when you are out of gas to take action. But after you assess and feed, then you need to make active choices about what comes next. The more aware you are of the choices you make daily, the more power you regain in your life. It is easy to pass something off as not your fault. But you are the only person in control of your self, and your self is worthy of you making good choices on its behalf.
These three simple steps got me to bed time on time so that I could rest my weary self, and begin today fresh. Let me know in the comments how well they work for you.
Want to be more proactive in your self care? Get your free resource here!
