“I saw what was really happening and I didn’t allow myself to be honest about it because the truth felt mean.”
How often do you hold your tongue because it feels too mean to speak the truth?
What is more important: speaking the truth, or being kind when you can only do one?
How much anxiety do you develop when you see the truth but choose to deny it?
There is wisdom, grace, and maturity in being able to hold ones tongue, to choose words well, and to speak life. There is a time to speak, and a time to be silent. And there are times that speaking the truth may feel mean, but not speaking the truth is cruel. The question then becomes, how to speak the truth with grace?
To speak the truth with grace requires understanding that grace means “unmerited favor”, in other words the person you are speaking to with grace does not deserve the honor of hearing these words, and you know it and give them the gift of these words anyway. It can be done in a gentle tone, leaving space for what reaction may come. How? Great question!
When you find yourself needing to have a more delicate conversation it is best to think through the core of what you are wanting to communicate, and the importance of it. I think of the man who said he always tells his wife the truth about what she is wearing because he knows if he tells her she looks good when she doesn’t she won’t believe him when he tells her the same when she looks great. It’s not a comfortable conversation, but it is necessary so that the trust and clear communication can continue. If you are able and willing to communicate uncomfortable truths, risking the relationship, then it shows that this person matters to you, and that you would rather build trust than lie or avoid, to keep things comfortable.
While every situation is different, part of clear, gracious communication is reducing your words to data and facts. It might feel cold, but the more you try to soften it the messier it gets and you may end up saying the opposite of what is needed. This does not mean being brutally blunt! But it does mean thinking out what you are needing to communicate and how to best phrase it. Avoid using the words “should”, “just”, “always”, and “never”. These are judgemental and will raise defenses, increasing the discomfort of the conversation and may end it all together.
For all of the tips that can be given on how to say what needs to be said, the core issue is your own conscious. Knowing what you need to say and what motivates you to say it will guide you through, and if you cannot make peace in your head, then you may choose to live in the discomfort of seeing what is really going on, and not being honest about it. If you need help with this, I can coach you through it! Click here for a free 30 minute sample session.
Recently I added “It’s All So Incredibly Loud” by the Glass Animals to my current musical rotation. While it is a song about a couple breaking up, the reason it resonates so deeply in me is the language of grief found in the chorus:
“Ooh, I'm breaking down
Whispers would deafen me now
You don't make a sound
Heartbreak was never so loud”
Heartbreak and grief come in many forms. The most obvious is when we lose someone through death, breaking up, or the demise of a friendship. Sometimes we are cut completely out, sometimes it’s a slow fade. And this is when we acknowledge grieving the loss. The less obvious ways we grieve are when we lose a job or an opportunity we really wanted; we have a big change in our lives like moving to another state; when we feel our hopes die; and we even feel grief for not being known or seen as our true selves.
There are seasons of life that may feel like a master class in grief, and if you don’t know what it is then you may battle the symptoms, but not the root cause! You may be familiar with the 5 stages of grief identified by Kubler-Ross, they are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These are not sequential stages, but identifiable collections of symptoms that we may experience and express during our grieving. These can derail the progress we are making towards our goals, and if we don’t fully process the grief then our progress often is slowed until it is complete.
The reality of grief is that the only way is through, and the best way through is with people around you who can encourage you and help you to move through the grief. It can be easy to overlook and downplay grief when it is not associated with the loss of a person. One of the ways it shows up is as fear. When we grieve the loss of a dream, opportunity, or hope, it is easy to begin to fear that we won’t achieve anything. Or worse, that we don’t deserve our goals because of what we lose along the way.
Think back to a time that you lost something you greatly valued. What did you feel about that loss? Which stages of grief did you walk through? Who in your life helps you to recognize that you are grieving? And gives you the space to grieve?
I hope as you pondered these questions you realized who in your life supports you in the tough times and encourages your healing. When you find yourself getting stuck I hope you are able to move again with the help of these folks because the only way is through, and the way through is together. If you don’t have anyone, or if you are realizing that there are a lot of things in your life that you haven’t grieved and need help with that, reach out! Helping people break through these challenges is what I do as a coach. You can get a free 30min session by clicking here.
This month I’ve been pondering different types of friends and the important roles that each one plays in our lives. As I wrote I was so excited about each type that I forgot to mention the most important part! These blogs were not a checklist for the type of people you need to go out and find, but to assess the relationships that you have and to check where you are putting your time and energy. I cannot tell you what is the best formula for how you invest your time and energy into friends through receiving, sharing, and giving. Only you can assess your needs, your friends, and your resources.
While you are assessing your self, your friends, and your relational resources, go ahead and assess your capacity for intimacy. “Intimacy is the mutual self-revelation that causes us to know and be known.” - Mathew Kelly
It doesn’t matter what type of people you have around you, if you lack the ability to know and be known you will struggle to make and keep friends. If you are finding that you struggle in this area I suggest you pick the person whom you trust the most, and feel most safe around, and reveal a small piece of you that you don’t normally, not a deep or sensitive piece, but something about you that is below the surface. Should this person reciprocate, then you have not only been accepted by them, but you have deepened the relationship. If the person does not reciprocate, don't worry, that just means that they are not ready to share that part of them yet. Time may allow them to, if not then you know where you stand with them and can try again with another friend.
I remain amazed at the friends I have made, and kept, over the years. I am thankful for them, all that I have learned from them, all that I have shared with them, and all of the hard won wisdom that I have been able to give. What a gift to share life with such amazing people. I am equally amazed of what I have learned of myself through opening up and being known.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
We have spent the past couple weeks looking at different types of adult friendships, learning from those older than us and having a healthy peer group. If you missed any you can start here and catch up! This week we are looking at those in our lives that we have a chance to influence, teach, or guide.
The Teachable are those that are, most often, younger than us, to whom we can teach what we have learned. We are able to walk beside them and help them find their way. Sometimes for life, sometimes for a season, sometimes for just one lesson. The beauty of having someone younger in our lives is that we are able to take the hard lessons of our lives and help others learn how to avoid them.
When it comes to these friends it is important to remember that it is not about you, but their journey, and you get to be a part of it. Your job isn’t to make them do or not do something, but to use your life experience as a resource for them to learn from. And in return you will find that you learn from them as well. This is not a one sided friendship where you give all, but you will give more as you have more to give. The greatest blessing in these types of relationships is when you model teachability and learn more than you ever expected. I think being teachable is the best mindset to have. It is not just curiosity, or willingness to learn, but the humility to admit that I don't know everything, only enough to know that I don't know everything. Therefore it is an honor to learn from those who have gone before, to learn from our peers, and to learn from those we are pouring into. Nothing proves that you don’t know it all like living as if you do. Having friends in your life who help you keep teachable is a gift. Having friends in your life to teach is a part of that gift.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
Making friends can be such a difficult thing to do, and then you have to keep them! As I am breaking down the different type of friendships we need, I find myself thinking that peers are the most fun for us. Peers are friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible. These are the fun friends, the ones we call in an emergency, and the ones we text that our secrets to.
The challenge of relationships within my tribe is that we get so comfortable, we make excuses for each other like “thats just how she is,” instead of challenging our friends to grow. Being peers we are finding our way together, which can make it difficult to call someone out on their behavior with some authority. In our culture we have this idea of adults and experts, people who are above us who can speak into our lives. While those are useful, we sell ourselves short on the impact we have on each others lives as peers. It is our job as friends to call each other out and challenge each other to be better, and to allow them to call us out too. This allows us the opportunity to grow in our communication with others, advocating for ourselves, and holding people accountable for their choices. Our society makes a huge push for boundaries, but what they focus on is using boundaries to push people out, what we need to remember is that they are also a way back into our lives. Boundaries teach people how to have relationship with us, if someone refuses to respect those boundaries then they don’t respect you enough to build healthy relationship with you. And vice versa, you may find you don’t respect your friends as much as you’d like to, and that is on you to make choices about. The main thing to remember about your tribe is that real love changes us. So if you really love your friends you will want them to be their best selves, and this requires the tough conversations.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who can you be very real with?
Whom do you not trust, but tolerate?
What keeps you from having the hard conversations?
Can you take responsibility for you, or is it all their fault?
If you are looking for a free community where you can interact with people of all ages, ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
