Last week I began a series of blogs on the variety of relationships we need to have in our lives, as well as the roles we play in the lives of others. This week I’m going to discuss the teachers in our lives. These are those folks that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
A little over a year ago I moved to a new state and found myself needing to build relationships with teacher type friends again. I don’t mean friends with those who teach school - though I’ve done that too - I mean making friends with those who are older than me, who have life experiences and wisdom that I can learn from. There is so much wealth of knowledge in those who have come before us, who have seen life through many decades, and who are willing to let us pick their brains and learn from their experiences that we may make better choices.
The older I get the more aware I am of my role as a teacher in the lives of those younger than me and find myself impressed by those who understand they need older women in their lives. As a society we used to live in community with people of all ages, but modern life has us locked into peer groups with work being one of the few places we might have a variety of ages around us. I am also aware of how much these younger gals give back to me, what a blessing to have reciprocal teaching. As an older mentor/teacher friend I am able to take the lessons, the important experiences, and share them in a productive way so that my young friends can avoid some of the problems I had, which is a gift to them, and a gift to me to use what felt like a horrible mess to benefit of others.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who pours into you? Whom do you pour into? If you are lacking these kinds of friends, ask yourself what keeps you from developing such relationships?
If you are looking for a free community where you can interact with people of all ages, ask questions, learn, and grow check out https://deborahsprague.com/members
Recently I came across data suggesting that women live longer because we come together in community, and it is in having relationships that we stay healthy longer, mentally sharp longer, and thrive longer. I have long known that humans were not made to live on an island, or in isolation, but in community. But in this modern age it is increasingly difficult to have the community we need. There are multiple types of people we need in our lives, teachers, peers, and the teachable. Let me explain.
- Teachers are those that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
- Peers are just that, friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, and celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible.
- The Teachable are those that are, most often, younger than us, to whom we can teach what we have learned. We are able to walk beside them and help them find their way. Sometimes for life, sometimes for a season, sometimes for just one lesson. When it comes to these folks it is important to remember that its not about you, but their journey, and you get to be a part of it.
In life every path is unique as you are the only person who has exactly your personality, with your experiences, and your needs. BUT there is always a universal theme to our struggles and growth. In my experience I have found that we each need a variety of people who have a variety of ages and experiences to help us along the way, and we need people to pour into most of all, to keep the necessary perspective on life that it is not just about us, but about our community as well. This month I am going to explore each of these roles and I hope you will sign up for this blog so that you don't miss a single thought. Comment below what role you are most excited to learn about.
What is it about how we women were raised that we are willing to wobble so easily on our boundaries? Is it the fear that we will be viewed as cruel for holding them? Is it our nurturing way to want to forgive, heal, and help them grow so they can come back into our lives? Or is it the doubt we have of ourselves?
I heard a great description of boundaries the other day, it’s not just the wall you put up, but the door that lets people in. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they are about helping them understand how to be a part of your life. So if you feel like you are cruel, rude, or a snob for having boundaries, check that with this question: do I have a way for them to get in? Not sneak in, but a path in that includes the behaviors that you need to see in them so that you can begin to trust them? If there is no path back then it is not a boundary, but a cut off, which doesn’t allow for either of you to grow. Hence the need for a path back in through growth and change.
I have had the pleasure of living in different areas of the USA long enough to really engage with the various cultures, and this next struggle looks different based on how you were raised, but as women we want to see the best in people, we want to see them live their best lives, we want to see them grow and thrive, its the nurturing in us. But we also have a bad habit of not giving things enough time to grow. It takes time to grow and change behavior, and it is easier to fake change than actually change. The proof is in the pudding, so wait for the pudding before wobbling your boundary.
This last question can be a whole blog series! And maybe I will. But for today, I am asking me this question too: Is this real, or am I doubting what I know? While I know the mind is tricky and we all have twisted thinking, I know how often I doubt me and the things that I know to be true, for what ever reason. Even more so I talk with ladies all the time who do this as well. I have been asking me lately that if I know something to be true, then what is raising doubt about this person or situation? Facts withstand questioning. Lies crumble.
As you look at that wobbling boundary today, what is causing the wobble? Drop a comment below so we can celebrate your success, and help you wobble but not fall.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
We have reached that time of January where the hype of resolutions has faded into the reality of consistency. It is so easy to shame myself for not doing better, or being better, and then I am reminded that shame is paralyzing and does not bring me success. What then does bring success?
Acknowledging the reality of the journey has taught me the importance of self-compassion. It is easy to shame myself when I compare myself to others, but their path is not mine, and when I accept grace and celebrate the lessons I have learned along the way, I am more likely to apply those lessons and make better choices along the way. Recognizing that my journey is incomparable to anyone else's has been liberating. It has enabled me to shed the burden of comparison and embrace my own identity fully, as well as silence the voice of shame.
Consistency is key to make the desired changes in our lives, and the way to generate consistency is to recognize the need for two elements:
1. Small changes.
2. Celebration!
For every big change we make there are a thousand little changes that helped us complete the big change. Economist Thomas Sowell said “There are no solutions, only trade offs.” How I understand this to mean is that our choices are always compromises, we choose a, which means we have to give up b. This is how change happens in our lives, I choose to start the project, that means I’m stopping whatever fun activity I was using to procrastinate my project. And for every time I choose to complete a small step towards my goal, that is one less step in the opposite direction.
I haven’t emphasized lately the importance of celebration! Humans have the horrible ability to focus on the one negative in a sea of congratulations. This is why it is so important to celebrate your wins, no matter how small! I asked earlier this week on my insta page @DeborahSpragueOfficial (give it a follow) “what is one way you cared for yourself today?” and celebrated the wins of those that answered. It is so important to build your success on a good foundation, and that includes accepting your own success. It is so easy to down play it and tell you that you aren’t worth the celebration, and by doing so you will crush your own spirit and stay exactly where you are because you will continue to believe that you are worthless. You are NOT worthless! So start right now and celebrate your successes today, no matter how small!
Coaching people to live their best lives by helping them discover just how worth it that they are, and how much value they bring the world, is what I do. Get your free 30 min sample session here so that you can discover your purpose.
Over the holidays I heard a quote that really challenged me, but that I won’t quote accurately, it was something like “Do the stories you tell in public match how you live in private?” The obvious challenge here is to see if my actions match my words in both public and private spaces. The greater challenge that I find in this quote is to question the stories I tell myself in private, do those align with who I really am and how I live?
Throughout our lives no one talks to us more than we do to ourselves. The internal dialogue we have shapes not only how we view the world, but how we view ourselves, and from these viewpoints we present who we are, or who we think we are supposed to be, to the world in public and private spaces.
It seems to be easy to fake it until you make it, to pretend to be what you want to become, but inside you know the truth and the part of you that so deeply longs to be seen, known, and loved as you truly are does not allow you to believe that you are someone that are are not. This is not to say that you don’t need to change, and grow, and become more tomorrow than you are today, but to say that there is a great value in living authentically and with integrity. It can also be scary, especially if you have often experienced negative responses to the parts of you that you like the most, for example, if you like that you are a kind person, but you have been brutally mocked for this kindness.
As you consider how you want to show up in the world, both in public and private spaces you may hear those negative thoughts race through your mind “you aren’t really kind, you are selfish and only do nice things for others so they like you and do nice things back.” How you handle this inner dialogue will make all the difference as you become who you truly are and create the life you actually want. As a coach this is what I do. It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself and give into those voices, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of what you think is expected of you. I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min session here.
