Have you been there, talking about what you do, or hope to do, and people look at you like you are insane. They cannot make sense of how your life and schedule work. You don't stick to a 9-5, or 8-4. Maybe you don't follow the school calendar. Maybe you are a creative person who paints, write, or plays music, and your creative time is 1am. Maybe you are a service provider whose clients work 9-5, so you have to work around that schedule. Maybe you've found a career based on projects and not hours, so you work when you want to, and play when you want to. Maybe you are an entrepreneur and it feels like all you do is work.
The reality of any society is that the "rules" that govern it aren't there to harm, they are there to organize. We know certain businesses will be open from 9-5 Monday to Friday, and can plan accordingly. We know that the children will be in school 180 days a year on some schedule. We have a 2 day break we call a "week end". And lives are organized accordingly. So when you step out of this organization, you are fighting against all societal norms. And you are made to feel wrong. In feeling wrong you may cycle through convincing yourself your abnormal schedule is actually acceptable; and that it is the life that works for you; that you cannot go back to the crushing world you were in before; and that people need to get on your schedule instead of judging you for not being on theirs.
For some it seems easy to plant their flag and say "this is my ground, this is how I live, get over it!" But inside we all need acceptance. We all need approval from those we care about that what we are doing is acceptable to the community, and the world. So what do you do when the life you dream about, that you love, is adjacent to society?
First, be clear in yourself about this lifestyle and for what reasons you have made your life like this. I have a client who is a single mom, and talented artist. So her choice has been to create an art business around her schedule as a mom, one that can be flexible when school is out. One where she can thrive as a person, as a mom, and not pay thousands of dollars to childcare. But this looks like working odd hours, and not 9-5, and there are people around her who don't get it. And that is ok, because she does get it, and it works for her and her family!
Second, acknowledge the relationship that is questioning you. Is this an acquaintance? Then receive their questions as curiosity instead of judgment - even if you hear a judgmental tone. They don't really know you, their accepting of you is broader, of the community, and not a deep, intimate knowing of you and therefore painful rejection. If your dream fits you, works for you, that's all they need to know. But if this a close friend then you have a different conversation. People who really know you can hurt you deeply when they reject you because you have trusted them with so much of you. Most of these folks are celebrating you stepping into the fullness of who you are and how your life choices help you thrive. But for the few, for the family members who just don't get it, you have a choice regarding how much you will let them in on. You don't have to reveal everything to someone who doesn't get it, no matter how close you are. Keep you answers short and sweet, "You know how I enjoy painting, and you really enjoy how my paintings turn out? Well, this is making a living for me, so I'm going to do it."
Lastly, look at the results of your choices. If you are living the life you set out to make, then celebrate the fruit of your labor! If you are still in process, celebrate the progress you have made on your journey! It is so easy to look at how most people live and wonder if you should do the same, don't should yourself, should is a judgement. Maybe you need to keep your day job for a season or two while you get your new life set up, don't neglect your basic needs, nor your dream. These things take time and it's ok. The reality of big changes is that they are made up of hundreds of small changes over time.
Bonus thought: don't let the lie that you aren't doing enough steal your rest. Because your schedule is unique and doesn't align with everyone else's you don't have the rest breaks built in that we have placed in society. It is easy to forget to take a break, and easier to get burnt out. It is even easier to believe the lie that what you are doing isn't really work and therefore you haven't earned rest. The real question is: have you rested enough to perform to the standard you expect of yourself?
I'd love to hear what you are working on, drop a comment below about how you are changing your life, the dreams you are creating, and what struggle you continue to face.
I have some clients who have done so much work, reached so many goals, that they only check in with me from time to time when they need an outside perspective, some encouragement, and the reminder of how far they have come. I am always happy to hear how they are doing, and to celebrate their wins, so I happily receive these calls.
The reality of life is that we get so caught up in our own minds, and all that is normal about our own experiences that we need to check in with someone periodically to make sure we are on the right path. After making some serious changes to our perspective and world, we need someone to remind us that we are on the right path because it feels wrong and abnormal.
This is also why we need encouragement, we need to be celebrated for continuing the change. It is super easy to slip back into old habits and ways, while not as easy to recalibrate our lives and maintain the new normal. Initially the new normal feels weird, it takes time to feel comfortable there, so when you are making new choices in a new normal, it takes encouragement to believe in your ability to do new things.
Which is why I love it when these clients who have “graduated” coaching call me back for a brief check up. I get to see how far they have come, how much self confidence they have developed, and how much of what we worked through is continually applied in their lives. I have to celebrate their work, growth, and journey! I even celebrate that they have reached a place where all they need is a brief check up!
Coaching is such an amazing way to take your life to the level you have been longing for. One where you thrive; are safe; have relationships that feed you as well as be fed by you; and where you are growing into the goals and life you were made for! It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of whatever happened to you. As a coach, this is what I do, and I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min sample session here.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are you looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow as a person, then check out my community group.
I am one to push myself hard and far, to the end of my limits and then some if I can! But there is one limit that I cannot push, and that is time. June is a difficult month for me as I have lost a lot of people very dear to me during June. I also have a lot of friends, and family, who were born in June. Life and death remembered all at once is the most real aspect of living, because they do go hand in hand. The longer I live the more aware I am that I don’t know how much time I have, and therefore I need to use it well.
I hate feeling like I’m wasting time. There are hours that I know I have wasted, and I have to be honest about that. And then there are the hours, days, weeks, or even seasons that feel wasted, only to look back later to see that they were not. I believe that I am exactly where I need to be, learning and growing as I am able to, and I need grace for this journey. I also have to be real about procrastination and wasting time.
Because the days turn so quickly into years, it is so important to live intentionally every day. Knowing what you want out of life, breaking that down into attainable goals, and taking a step each and every day is the best way I know how to reach those life goals, regardless of how big they are. To dream so big that you have to grow to reach it means taking one, or two, intentional steps every day so that when you get there you are the person you want to be, living the life you want, and being how you want to be remembered.
Tell me below what big goal you have, and one step you will take today so that I can cheer you on.
Happy Summer Solstice! As we approach the end of June I am, again, amazed at how quickly time has gone! Half the year has already passed and I am looking at my goals for the year and checking my progress. How about you, are you making progress?
I was reminded this week that if you never have time for what matters, you never will. It is not about time, it is about intention and priority. You can put stuff off for later, just know that later always comes. With this in mind, Summer Solstice is the perfect time to pause and take account of what I intend to do, what I am prioritizing, and what I am expected to do.
Expectations are what others put upon us, and we let them. I am expected to enjoy summer to the full. I am expected to work a job pays bills, even if it's unfulfilling. I am expected to take a vacation and put it all over Insta. I am expected to put everyone before me to the detriment of my health. But what if I don't want these things? What if I don't intend to fulfill the expectations of others?
What I intend to do comes out of who I am and what matters most to me and where my heart beats. It doesn't fulfill anyone's expectations but my own. I intend to do a lot of things, and I look forward to enjoying them, but I don't necessarily have time in one day to do all of them so I have to prioritize my to do list.
Prioritizing is the wonderful, beautiful skill of putting into order all that I intend to do! Prioritizing my to do list requires figuring out what matters most, and what needs to be done in the short term, and then identifying the order in which I am going to complete all that I intend. I will have time for these tasks because I am making time for them by setting the intention and prioritizing. I look forward to where I will be come Labor Day! Where will you be? Tell me below!
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There is a powerful moment in the movie Memoirs of a Geisha where the older geisha is questioning the younger one to find out if their plans had been ruined. The younger geisha looks at her, and through tears exclaims “I am NOT WORTHLESS!” And repeats it quietly, to herself, “I am not worthless.”
Every time I get to this scene I am moved. Sure I feel bad for this young woman who is fighting for her life, success, and some peace. But I feel more for me. How many times have I looked in the mirror and whispered “I am not worthless,” to rebuke the voices echoing through my mind of all the ways I don’t measure up, or the lies others believe about me and repeat to my face - hoping to make them true? Have you noticed that there are people in your life who believe lies about you and tell them to your face hoping you begin to believe them too? That is a difficult discovery. People I thought loved me and cared for me, but they have proven that it is more important that everyone see me as they see me, and not for who I really am. And they make sure that I know they believe I am worthless.
What do you do when you realize that someone close to you is so set on you knowing how worthless you are? First you need to acknowledge that this is about them and not you. Now that you’ve identified this behavior you have a choice: do you speak to them about this and reconcile? Or do you walk away? This is not an easy choice because there are so many factors that only you know. So I give you this challenge: Do I care enough about this person to call them out on this behavior? If you don’t then you may choose to ghost them. But the reality of ghosting is that it is in the silence we are left to believe the lies we already believe, so this person may still walk around telling everyone the lies they already believe about you, and by ghosting them you have only made their story more believable.
Should you value this person and relationship enough to speak to them about the lies they speak about you, to your face and otherwise, you need to be prepared to explain how they treat you hurts you, grace to listen to their why, and being willing to let them walk away. As much as you may want to reconcile, they may not. If you present the offense and all they do is make excuses and blame you for their poor treatment of you, then they have shown they don’t want to be held accountable for their choices, and you can walk away. You may still care about them and want the best for them, but they do not reciprocate, and it is okay to walk away, even if this person is a parent, sibling, or a childhood bff! You do not have to keep yourself surrounded by people who would rather lie about you, and to your face, and are always telling you how worthless you are.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
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