At some point in high school we all exclaimed “who told you that!” To a friend, or a parent, who told you either that your secret was out, or that someone was spreading lies about you, or some combo of both. I remember that sinking feeling of the weight of the mess I knew I now had to clean up.
High school was a long time ago, and part of growing up is realizing that I cannot control what others say about me, only what I say about me. But what about what I say TO me? Do you pay attention to what you think about yourself? Do you find yourself wondering where these ideas came from? We get bogged down in a swamp of anxiety and negative thoughts without ever asking “who told me this?”
Who told you that you are not worthy of self care? And why do you repeat it to you? You will not have time to care for you until you prioritize you! The minute you discover you are worthy of caring for you is the moment you schedule some you time!
Wait, what excuse are you making? So you have kids? All the more reason to take care of you! If you are on empty then you’ve got nothing to give them.
Oh, your life is so busy? Are you kidding me? Whose life isn’t overloaded? Saying “No.” to people and opportunities, without explanation, is self care.
Oh, you think you can’t afford self care because spa days are so expensive? Then it’s time to rethink self care. Self care is not all special days, treats, and adventures. It starts with accepting the truth that you are worthy to be cared for, and living this truth.
Let’s talk about this practically. What are some basic level self care actions? Sleep, nutritious food, showering, drinking enough water; these are all basic physical care. Taking a 1-3 hour break from social media, and/or your cell phone; spending 20 minutes talking to a friend; taking 2 minutes for deep breathing; reading; utilizing your favorite creative outlet; these are all basic care for your mental and emotional self. Taking time to meditate and pray; read sacred passages; appreciate the beauty around you; pause to be thankful for the life you have; these are all basic care for your soul self. So receive the gift of 2 minutes of self care today, what will it look like?
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This year has been a lesson, a struggle, and completely overwhelming to all of us. The greatest lesson I have been learning this year has been about fear. Fear is a natural part of humanity. Fear triggers fight or flight. Fear can be a healthy warning, especially around deadly animals, or the edge of a cliff. But there is a dark side to fear; it can manipulate us, paralyze us, stir us into a panic. And I have seen, and experienced, all of those this year.
When the pandemic first set in I sat at home and did my best to work, but eventually I realized that I felt like I was sitting there waiting to die. There was so much chaos and confusing information at that time that I felt manipulated into believing something, anything, instead of being empowered to educate myself. While I didn’t panic purchase toilet paper, I did react to given info instead of pausing to think it through and respond. It took some time for me to realize how much fear had crept in, and when I did I realized that I needed to make a choice: to live out of fear, or to live in freedom.
It is super easy right now to point to big issues in our world and decide what others are choosing out of fear, or out of freedom, but even that is a self protective measure that comes from fear. The truth is that I cannot decide for you, I cannot control you, I can only judge you and control my self. I do not want to carry the weight of judging, and that is my choice. I do have the freedom to educate myself, to choose to respond and not react, to assess the information I have and to make the best choice possible.
When I’ve heard folks talk about different mindsets I didn’t know, from experience, how difficult it would be to make the shift from one to another, or how seemingly small steps would have such huge results. I have lived out of fear for so long that it is familiar, comfortable, and seems safe. But as I am embracing the discomfort of change I am not only finding freedom, but safety. Living out of fear is exhausting. This intentional mindset of making the best choices I can and moving forward in freedom, living by my conscious, letting the spirit move, is energizing and a whole new world!
All it takes is pausing and asking me: is this a fear reaction, or an intentional choice?
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“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion, with the same speed and in the same direction, unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”
Newton’s first law of physics is applicable across all areas of life, especially self care. While it is more likely to sound like the quip on the left, the truth remains that human behavior has a powerful “unbalanced force” of a tool called “choice.” We make choices all day, every day, passively, assertively, and even unconsciously. It is easy to ignore that we make these choices, or to blame them on others, but that doesn’t benefit us. The last choice you actively made was to read this blog. (Thank you!) You probably didn’t think much on this choice before doing it. It probably felt more like an action than a choice. But what about the negative choices? The one you made passively, or subconsciously, and don’t like the result of? What would happen if you acknowledge that you did, in fact, make that choice?
What would happen if you paused to think through how that choice was made, and what choice you would like to make next time? What outcome do you want, and how do you get there?
I’m late in posting this blog. You probably didn’t notice. But I know it. Just like I know every excuse I made about every choice I made while procrastinating my writing! So this is a challenge to me too! This afternoon I chose to entertain distractions. I told me that I had no words anyway... so here I am, finding the words, and challenging myself to think through how I got here and reminding myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and so are you. You didn’t get here by chance, you got here by choice. And you ARE here. Pause and give your self the gift of acknowledging it.
— I am exactly where I am supposed to be. —
Now you face another choice: do I beat me up for being here? Or do I accept it and look for my new choice, my new opportunity, the me I want to be? If you choose the latter, then we are on the same path my friend! Comment below on what this new choice is and we can celebrate our journey together!
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Here in the USA we are entering into our 6th month of “Stay at Home” restrictions. For 5 months our world has been tuned upside down and sideways. We are battling new fears daily. We are fighting for our health, our rights, our lives, and IT IS ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMING! Every day the news media is fear mongering; our “friends” on social media are arguing their points; and we don’t have our usual diversions from the entertainment media. This societal unraveling is unnerving and stressful, what’s more is that it is fueling toxic levels of anxiety. Anxiety is the most contagious emotion, we pass it along without even realizing what we are doing! (Sound familiar?) And in this moment, it is rampant.
If you find yourself overwhelmed and “just coping” through this strange season, then you may have entered the emotional state of “numb.” Numb is the place we enter when we no longer have the capacity for all that is being thrown at us. Numb manifests behaviorally in different ways, but the feeling remains a protective device; protecting our mental health, emotional health, and the very essence of our souls.
So what do you do when you discover that you are numb?
- Name it. In speaking this truth “I am numb” you identify what is going on and that something needs to be done. It becomes real. We cannot address unidentified issues, only the ones that we know. So name it, acknowledge where you are, and read step two.
- Get specific. Now that you’ve named the bigger problem, identify where specifically you are overwhelmed. Are you overstimulated by the different forms of media? Are you drained from being locked up with your family for days and weeks? Does zoom exhaust you? Are you physically drained from the imbalance of being stuck at home and not in your normal work/gym/eat/sleep routine? What is pushing you past your capacity and triggering your defensive need to numb?
- Identify 2 small changes you can implement immediately to reduce the demand on your energy and capacity and increase you ability to care for you. These changes might need small hacks, like a timer for social media, or scheduling what news program you want to watch. If you need help finding hacks, or small changes, email me below! As a life coach this is what I do.
- When we take something out we need to put something in. So as you make changes to remove draining habits, you need to find energizing, or restorative, habits to implement. This is called an exchange and it is the most effective way to implement change in our lives. Cutting out mindlessly wandering the internet? What engaging activity can you implement? Turning off the tv earlier to help you calm down before bed, what self soothing activity can you do during that time? Sometimes the question isn’t “what do I want to stop?” But more so, “What do I want to start?” In the process of starting, something must end.
You know your self and your life better than anyone, you know your goals and your dreams. Now is your time to move towards them, and out of all the distracting chaos.
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The truth about humans is that we don’t want to change until it is more uncomfortable to stay the same. It doesn’t matter how miserable we are in our circumstances, the known is still safer and more comfortable than the unknown. So the way to keep comfortable is to choose change, to decide that it is good, and to embrace it.
Wait, what!?! I know, it’s contradictory. But do you really want to wait until you are completely miserable before you make that change? Doing everything you can to keep everything the same, even though you are thoroughly miserable? I call this “Comfortably Miserable” and we all land there at various times for various reasons. Sometimes we land there because of choices we’ve made that have caused us to give up the ability to get ahead of the change. Sometimes we land there because we need this relationship to be as perfect as we imagine it to be. Sometimes we land there because of analysis paralysis. But the day comes and we must get unstuck! We either recognize that our misery is greater than our comfort, or the catastrophic event occurs, knocking every piece of comfort loose.
So how do you embrace change? I find its a two fold process, on one side you are celebrating the new, exploring, engaging, and entering into the possible. On the other side you are grieving what is being lost. With all change there is loss, in letting go of what isn’t working anymore; remember that holding on to these elements so that you don’t have to feel loss can cause more damage. Most of us focus on one or the other when going through change. The sunny adventurer celebrates all of the new possibility, seeming to not notice the pain of the loss of all that they leave behind. While the fearful avoid change and focus on all the horrible aspects of it, the loss, the unknown, the pain, the fear. The truth is that during the process of change we need to honor both: celebrating the new, grieving the loss. It is not always an easy path, but living with this awareness sure beats being miserably comfortable.
