Unexpected Power

Unexpected Power
 I recently met someone who immediately hunted out my boundaries and tried to push across them. After a couple of clear “no’s” I informed this person that I wasn’t interested in any form of relationship where I would be so disrespected. I gave this person a chance to show their character and what showed up was someone who wanted to disrespect and control me, while not really getting to know me. This experience reminded me of the Eleanor Roosevelt quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." A couple of days later a friend shared a meme that really sums up what we all face daily, in all relationships, it said “no is a necessary magic. No draws a circle around you and says ‘I have given enough.’”
 I have met so many, like myself, who have been repeatedly guilt tripped for saying no. It feels like I am guilty for taking care of myself, or for having a different perspective and opinion. And the more I think on it the more I realize it feels like the person giving the guilt doesn’t want me to experience the unexpected power of no. Such a small word, but a clear and powerful in meaning.
 But what power there is in my self and my personhood to say no, to set boundaries and hold them, and to take responsibility for my actions as well. How much easier it is to rid myself of folks who aren’t interested in knowing me and sharing life’s journey with me when I honor myself by identifying and reinforcing my boundaries, being respectful to others, and taking responsibility for my choices. So this is my challenge to you and I today, to say no as needed. 
  I will set the boundary and hold it, while respecting myself and others, and not hold this power over them, but share it freely. 

The Option of Failure

The Option of Failure
Perfectionists are difficult to be around, as are those who must have 110% control in all situations. As a life coach I find these folks more difficult to work with because they cannot allow themselves to grow. This seems oxymoronic I know, but the truth is to grow one must allow for failure, thus perfection is not an option. To grow one must admit they don’t know it all, they don’t behave perfectly in all situations, and they don’t always have self control, much less total control over the entire situation. 
 As I am thinking about being a perfectionist I think of the term “failure to thrive.” It is applied to children who do not gain enough weight, learn enough words, or to walk, and/or other milestones by certain ages. As adults we may also fail to thrive by inhibiting our own growth, substituting the excuse of perfectionism, or the need for total control, for personal growth. 
 “It’s just how I am, take me or leave me.”
 “If Frank Sinatra can do it his way why can’t I?” 

The reality of being a perfectionist, and/or a control freak, is that one must live in accordance with lies, most often a tossed salad of them ranging from: “I’m just not good enough.” to “If I don’t do this then it won’t be done right so I might as well just do it.” These lies started a long time ago, in a galaxy not too far away, and for those struggling here, it happened yesterday. What ever that moment was that unleashed these lies into your mind, self, and life, that moment, circumstance, relationship, toxic environment, whatever it is, happens again every day. And most often, out of your own creation.
 I will call out this truth again: As long as you feed the monster of perfectionism and control, you will only eat lies. Every day exhausted, stressed, anxious, desperate, and wanting a different life, but losing your imagined power/control/image is too scary to admit you are less than you want people to think that you are.
 The good news is you can change if you choose to.
 Step 1: Acknowledge that you do not know it all. Cannot do it all. Cannot be it all. Socrates said “To know is to know you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.” In short, as long as you know it all, can do it all, and can be it all, then you need nothing, no one, and are blind to your own folly.
 Step 2: Choose to be teachable. Admitting you don’t know it all can easily be followed by the willingness to learn! 
Step 3: Pause to identify the root cause of your perfectionism and need for control. Until you address the root cause you will always be pulling these lies out of your life.
Step 4: Make the changes you need to in your lifestyle, work, and inner circle to create safe places to fail. If you work a job that appears to not allow room for failure I recommend that you look again, how can you fail safely at what you do? What happens if you acknowledge that you need a break and take it, even if that means pushing the next meeting, appointment, patient, client, or whatever, back 5 minutes so that you can set you up for success and not risk a major failure? 
Step 5: Learn to accept grace. Grace is unmerited favor. We live in a society that doesn’t have room for grace, or failure, or anything other than perfectly marching in line with the current narrative. But we all fail. We all try to earn that which we cannot. And we battle this lie that if we don’t have it together we need to fake it until we make it.
What if the only way to make it is to fail?

The Guiltless Apology.

The Guiltless Apology.
I had an interesting experience recently: I didn’t respond to a situation at the level that I require of myself. In short I had to communicate clearly with someone, and I didn’t take the time to make certain I had all of the correct data in clear, communicable form. What ensued was a bit of chaos, which all got sorted out. Upon reflection I called the recipient of this confusing information back and apologized because I believe in taking responsibility for my actions and choices. They were surprised and told me that it was a mess all around and I didn’t need to feel guilty. Those words struck me hard, I didn’t feel guilty at all! I was simply owning that I didn’t make the right choices in the situation and that I am responsible for that and that I will do better in the future.
  I don’t know about you, but I have received many fake apologies in my life. I’ve had people blame me for their actions and words while apologizing to me - FAKE! I have received many of the “I’m only sorry that I got caught” FAKE apologies. A true apology requires ownership, responsibility, and identifying the poor choice made, and the accountable truth that one will make better choices in the future. A TRUE APOLOGY DOES NOT REQUIRE GUILT!!! Though it can alleviate it.
 However this did get me thinking about how guilt works, more often than not when I experience guilt I have no desire to apologize, I am not motivated to reconcile or to acknowledge my part in what went wrong. I know this comes from my personal history, I have survived abusive relationships and the amount of guilt, guilt trips, and guilt related manipulation when in an abusive relationship is overwhelming. When I begin to feel guilt my fight or flight kicks in, not my personal responsibility. I’ve also learned that it takes a huge amount of maturity and grace to say “I am still learning, this is something I realize I didn’t do well, or correctly, and I will strive to not repeat this mistake.“ It takes even more humility to ask for forgiveness. Does anyone ask for forgiveness anymore? That seemed to go away when everyone started saying “stop judging me!” But thats a blog for a different day, and maybe one I’ve already written. 
 I challenge you that as you go through this week be aware of your reactions to circumstances, and then the responses you choose in them. Where is that coming from? Is it guilt? Or are you free to take responsibility for what you did and in owning it, apologize to those you wronged, and move forward. Welcome to maturity. 

I Don’t Actually Care

I Don’t Actually Care

 “Happy International Women’s Day!”

This greeted me everywhere earlier this week and I found myself having a lot of thoughts about being a woman, and about not caring that it was some kind of celebratory day. This juxtaposition intrigued me further, and I wrestled with it. Women are wired to be kind, nurturing, caring, loving, gracious, and gentle. We are socialized into believing what this “should” look like in our daily lives and behaviors. And the combination of this hard wiring and socialization means there is an inner conflict for many of us. This experience often breaks and distorts these traits, instead of being kind to others out of who I am, I am kind to them to get my needs met. Instead of being gentle and nurturing because of who I am, I use those traits as a manipulative weapon to convince people I care about them so that they don’t betray me. 

  What’s worse is that these traits are weaponized against women. We are guilt tripped by mass media, social media, and the entertainment industry to care about EVERYTHING with our whole being. Which maxes us out, stresses us out, and ultimately forces us to fake care by feeding us toxic levels of guilt. This experience seems to be worse for those women who spend a lot of time on social media where it is demanded by other users that they care as much about specific issues as the person sharing the posts. Some of these posts can be defined a “gas bombs” because they call out all those who don’t agree with them by defaming their character for not sharing or posting or virtue signaling or whatever. This is actually abusive and bullying behavior. To be told that I am an “ist” or an “ism” because I do not agree with you regardless of the truth about my character is defamation and abusive. Not to mention that it shows far more of the ugliness in the heart of the sharer than any truth about who I actually am.

 These toxic guilt trip storms only get worse when we attempt to put up boundaries. I have been in conversations with more and more women who are navigating this delicate balance between wanting and needing a place online to have social connection, with an increasing need to protect their energy, emotions, and relationships. The struggle has been even more apparent over this past year where we have been reduced to relating online. Even so, we are guilt tripped about wearing masks, “you are going to kill someone’s granny!” We are guilt tripped about letting the government take the last of our freedoms. We are guilt tripped about getting outside for fresh air. We are guilt tripped for not making more of an effort in our relationships because its not like we can go anywhere anyway. And in increasing measure we are guilt tripped for thinking, asking questions, and looking at social issues from multiple perspectives instead of regurgitating the given narrative. 

 I remember visiting my Gramma a few years ago, the night after a mass shooting at a school, and we were watching these horrors play out on the evening news. When the news ended she waited for Jeopardy to come on, and when the news extended itself with a “special report” regarding the events of the day she asked me to change the channel because “they won’t have any new information, so lets watch something else.” I felt such relief in that moment because I felt guilty changing away from the news, like I was a horrible person for not caring that these children died. But Gramma was right, it was just guilt, and we could care about them and still watch something else. I miss that wise woman so much! 

  There is a difference between caring, caring less, not caring, and being against something. There are issues and people I care very deeply about and I don’t have must more capacity to love and care for any more than I do. I can find other issues worthy of my concern, but that doesn’t mean I have capacity to actually show my care. And this is ok. I am only one human and no single human has the energy to care for it all! Reality is that I don’t have to pour myself out over and over and over again until I am completely spent, depleted, and burnt out. And I am thankful that there are those in this world who do care about issues that are different then what I focus on. I can show them support and validate their concerns because theirs are as important as mine. But I can also choose how much of my energy, kindness, love, grace, and care I will give to it.

  The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of caring is cruelty, neglect, and indifference. And this week I have been reminded that I have a tendency to react to guilt trips with indifference, not that I am indifferent to the guilt, but that when I feel people trying to guilt me into whatever, I become indifferent to that cause. I am not cruel about it. I am not hateful, spiteful, or malicious. But I have the ability to just walk away with indifference, and sleep well that night because I know me, I know my limits and my boundaries and it is actually ok to not care as much. This does not make me a horrible human, but an intentional one. Would you rather have someone join your cause because they are guilty and burnt out? Or would you rather someone cheer you on, validating your intentional choice, while living out their own intentional choices? I know who is in my tribe and what really matters to us, do you?


Ready to make boundaries, free yourself from guilt, and live the life you want? Email me at the link below to find out how coaching can help you achieve these goals. 

Time Out!!

Time Out!!

  I love snow! I know, soooo many people hate it. But its so beautiful, peaceful, quiet, calming. My favorite is watching those giant flakes float gently to the ground, watching it centers me, brings me peace, and helps me feel grounded. But snow interrupts. It doesn’t matter if you live somewhere that gets a lot or a little, it always disrupts the flow of modern life because we need to move! We need to be places: work, school, the gym, the grocery store, wherever. And snow interrupts the ability to move freely. We are forced to pause and deal with it. 

  Isn’t that life though? We keep moving, filling our lives with more and more and more until something comes along and forces us to deal with all that we are running from. A friend recently shared a post on instagram that said “Sit with it. instead of drinking it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, eating it away, or running from it ... sit with it. Healing happens by feeling.” (Original post by @twinflame.connections on Instagram, Jan 23, 2021) This is what snow does, it creates the image of a soft, quiet, pure world that forces us to pause in it. So lets pause together. Take a deep breath, in and out, again slowly. 

 Embrace this moment to pause.

 Let the chaos stop.

 Stop numbing yourself for a moment.

 Feel it.

  Feel it.

   Feel it?


The process of feeling and releasing pain is such a brutal and beautiful process. Mental and emotional injury is much like physical injury, when we neglect to have a sprained joint, or broken bone, attended to in a timely fashion the problem gets much worse. But because the physical symptoms of our mental/emo injury, or pain, are easy to deny, we neglect them, self medicate them, try to out run them. Which works for a little while, but eventually later arrives and with it the consequences of our neglected pain. This is why we need snow days to force us to pause, change rhythm, and release. And probably a little bit of why so many people hate them.


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