“Happy International Women’s Day!”
This greeted me everywhere earlier this week and I found myself having a lot of thoughts about being a woman, and about not caring that it was some kind of celebratory day. This juxtaposition intrigued me further, and I wrestled with it. Women are wired to be kind, nurturing, caring, loving, gracious, and gentle. We are socialized into believing what this “should” look like in our daily lives and behaviors. And the combination of this hard wiring and socialization means there is an inner conflict for many of us. This experience often breaks and distorts these traits, instead of being kind to others out of who I am, I am kind to them to get my needs met. Instead of being gentle and nurturing because of who I am, I use those traits as a manipulative weapon to convince people I care about them so that they don’t betray me.
What’s worse is that these traits are weaponized against women. We are guilt tripped by mass media, social media, and the entertainment industry to care about EVERYTHING with our whole being. Which maxes us out, stresses us out, and ultimately forces us to fake care by feeding us toxic levels of guilt. This experience seems to be worse for those women who spend a lot of time on social media where it is demanded by other users that they care as much about specific issues as the person sharing the posts. Some of these posts can be defined a “gas bombs” because they call out all those who don’t agree with them by defaming their character for not sharing or posting or virtue signaling or whatever. This is actually abusive and bullying behavior. To be told that I am an “ist” or an “ism” because I do not agree with you regardless of the truth about my character is defamation and abusive. Not to mention that it shows far more of the ugliness in the heart of the sharer than any truth about who I actually am.
These toxic guilt trip storms only get worse when we attempt to put up boundaries. I have been in conversations with more and more women who are navigating this delicate balance between wanting and needing a place online to have social connection, with an increasing need to protect their energy, emotions, and relationships. The struggle has been even more apparent over this past year where we have been reduced to relating online. Even so, we are guilt tripped about wearing masks, “you are going to kill someone’s granny!” We are guilt tripped about letting the government take the last of our freedoms. We are guilt tripped about getting outside for fresh air. We are guilt tripped for not making more of an effort in our relationships because its not like we can go anywhere anyway. And in increasing measure we are guilt tripped for thinking, asking questions, and looking at social issues from multiple perspectives instead of regurgitating the given narrative.
I remember visiting my Gramma a few years ago, the night after a mass shooting at a school, and we were watching these horrors play out on the evening news. When the news ended she waited for Jeopardy to come on, and when the news extended itself with a “special report” regarding the events of the day she asked me to change the channel because “they won’t have any new information, so lets watch something else.” I felt such relief in that moment because I felt guilty changing away from the news, like I was a horrible person for not caring that these children died. But Gramma was right, it was just guilt, and we could care about them and still watch something else. I miss that wise woman so much!
There is a difference between caring, caring less, not caring, and being against something. There are issues and people I care very deeply about and I don’t have must more capacity to love and care for any more than I do. I can find other issues worthy of my concern, but that doesn’t mean I have capacity to actually show my care. And this is ok. I am only one human and no single human has the energy to care for it all! Reality is that I don’t have to pour myself out over and over and over again until I am completely spent, depleted, and burnt out. And I am thankful that there are those in this world who do care about issues that are different then what I focus on. I can show them support and validate their concerns because theirs are as important as mine. But I can also choose how much of my energy, kindness, love, grace, and care I will give to it.
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The opposite of caring is cruelty, neglect, and indifference. And this week I have been reminded that I have a tendency to react to guilt trips with indifference, not that I am indifferent to the guilt, but that when I feel people trying to guilt me into whatever, I become indifferent to that cause. I am not cruel about it. I am not hateful, spiteful, or malicious. But I have the ability to just walk away with indifference, and sleep well that night because I know me, I know my limits and my boundaries and it is actually ok to not care as much. This does not make me a horrible human, but an intentional one. Would you rather have someone join your cause because they are guilty and burnt out? Or would you rather someone cheer you on, validating your intentional choice, while living out their own intentional choices? I know who is in my tribe and what really matters to us, do you?
Ready to make boundaries, free yourself from guilt, and live the life you want? Email me at the link below to find out how coaching can help you achieve these goals.
JADEd
I’ve been thinking lately about what it takes to over come being abused. How it is a process that often lands one in a position to continue to be abused, but not as horribly as the first time so it feels better at first, and then you begin to feel crazy and like you can’t get away from abuse. Then you begin to think you are the problem, the toxic attracter of this treatment. Eventually you keep making better and better choices, learning what in you allows abusers in your life, and changing that. This is particularly true of those abused as children. We have victim habits. Habits make a lifestyle, and this is a lifestyle no one wants.
A few years back someone shared with me the concept of “JADE” which is how those who have come through abuse learn to
Justify
Apologize
Defend
Explain
any and all actions of their own, their abusers, and anyone who doesn’t help them get safe. The difficulty in moving out of victimization and into freedom and health is dealing with this JADE, because at some point we need to apologize for our own behavior. We need to defend our actions. We need to explain what we’ve been through so that someone can help us move forward. So I have been thinking: “How does one JADE in a healthy way?” First we need to break down what this JADE really means.
Justify: this isn’t about making it just. Making it fair. Or legally proving something permissible. Its about making excuses for your self, your abuser, and anyone who doesn’t help you get safe. “Well, he wasn’t sober so he lost control and hit me.” It’s the victim making excuses for the abusers actions.
Apologize: The easiest way to determine someone is the victim of abuse is to listen to them apologizing for their very existence. It will break your heart. When a victim has to apologize to their abuser for their abusers actions they reach a whole new level of broken. They are expected to believe that they deserve what they get in response to some irrelevant action. The abuser does not apologize. Does not take ownership of their behavior. And they believe that you got what you deserve.
Defend: A human can only go so long before they realize that they are not always wrong and deserving of this poor treatment. Especially if one is facing verbal abuse. Not everyone gets treated the same, so why is this victim always being attacked? So the victim develops the habit of always having a prepared answer. They become the best defense lawyers in the land because they can defend every choice they make, you might not know this because they might not verbalize it, but in their mind they know every single choice they made and why.
Explain: Sometimes victims need to explain away actions and behaviors. Sometimes they need to explain their defense. Sometimes victims explain things as a reality check. But most often this explaining is mirroring the abusers explaining. The abuser explains why they took the abusive action they did and the victim accepts it, only to wonder why when they explain things they are shut down and their explanations deemed stupid. Desperate to be heard victims explain and explain, and once they finally get someone to believe them hold onto that person because they need them!
To change we must replace behaviors, what we focus on is what we become. So when one finds their self JADEing they need a replacement option. Here are ones I’ve been trying out: Jubilation; Admission; Delegate; Expression. Here is what I’ve discovered:
Jubilation is to celebrate! After years, maybe even decades, of being told how wrong, useless, and stupid one is, it takes a lot of work to learn to celebrate your good! To receive and own how smart, fun, creative, beautiful, talented, encouraging, faithful, patient, etc. that you really are. But the first step is to celebrate the positive truth about yourself that you do believe. This is a painful process because as one goes through they discover just how many layers of who they are have been damaged by mistreatment. But eventually ones language goes from justifying “I realize its kind of silly, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I guess I like that band.” To jubilation “I really enjoy this band! Their sound is my vibe and their lyrics resonate with me.”
Admission: to admit you are wrong. How is this different from an apology? Let’s look at this example: “I’m sorry that I lost my temper, but you really pushed me too far.” That is a FAKE apology. Here is a true apology because it admits and takes responsibility: “I’m sorry for what I did when I lost my temper, I made a bad choice and I am working on making choices that calm me down instead of lashing out.” Then following through. No follow through? FAKE apology. See the difference?
Delegate: this one might seem weird, but to delegate to someone requires trust. If every time you try to trust someone they fail you then you’ve got to check yourself. Victims of abuse are often perfectionists in the hope that if they get everything perfect they won’t be abused. To delegate information to someone is to trust them. To delegate a task to someone is to trust them and accept the result, even if not perfect. To delegate means to come together and I no longer have to defend my lack of perfection. Instead we can embrace and celebrate our best.
Express yourself: This one feels super close to “Explain.” But again, there is a difference if you can hear it, and in my understanding the biggest difference is anxiety. To explain oneself endlessly, not being comfortable in silence, and always having a long winded answer for every action made comes with a great weight of anxiety. But to express yourself. To answer a question clearly and without excess, that is a mature and healed skill. Mark Twain once wrote “I wrote you a long letter because I did not have time to write a short one.” A brilliant concept indeed. A well thought out answer is short and to the point. If you are expressing your opinion, ideas, story, you can be clear about it, you don’t have to reveal more than necessary, or more than you want to. For example: I write this from my friends deck. I can Explain to you why I’m here, it will take a paragraph and the goal will be for you to take pity on me and my series of frustrating events. Or I can express how delighted I am to sit on her deck, under a clear, blue sky, at almost 60* and express my thoughts in this blog. And this is the difference between having to Explain everything, and being able to Express oneself.
I have lost count of those that I know who have been abused in one form or another. In our society we are a bit more aware of it right now as the dialogue in our entertainment media, #metoo, and other voices raise this truth: that humans have a horrible ability to mistreat each other. Humans also have an amazing ability to grow, change, and heal. The work to change and heal is mighty and I cheer on each and every one of you who is doing it!
This has been the kind of week where I coach two people before I can even grab coffee! I feel like its been full throttle, lots of tasks to complete, interruptions, and possibilities. My schedule changed February 1 and I’m still getting used to it. With change comes choices, and two of the choices I’ve been actively making are 1. To sleep enough. 2. To eat enough.
I am aware that these are subjective goals. But their aim is the same: to provide consistent and balanced energy throughout my day. I have been reminded lately that not eating enough interrupts the body’s processes, including the ability to sleep through the night. Sleep is the body’s time to restore itself. Without the nutrients the body needs needs to restore its self, it can’t. Without the time to rest through sleep, it cant.
We all struggle with change because it takes a while to rewrite the neuro-pathways in the brain. It is easy to judge ourselves, and each other, for not achieving change as quickly as desired. It can be easy to hate change because it can be such a difficult process. In fact, I’ve found that humans tend to avoid change until staying the same is more painful than walking through the process of change. Which is why during this season of changes in my daily and weekly schedules I have been choosing to support the one thing I cannot allow to change: my health. I need to remain healthy and strong to accomplish all I need to do. I want to remain healthy and strong because I love me. Thus I choose to care for my self in a way that will keep me healthy and strong by prioritizing sleep and adequate nutrition during this season of change.
I am all too aware that when people think of self care they think of luxuries big and small. I too struggle with this because I do love little treats. But self care is also the tough love of making the better choice when we want to “treat” ourselves to the easy. “I’ll treat me to brownies tonight because ______.” When we know that the better choice may be foregoing it. But to truly love one self, to care for one self, to value one self as worthy is to acknowledge that we are worthy of the tough choices. Instead of “treating” myself to one more episode of my current binge I’m going to turn it off, do my yoga, do my nightly supplements/face/teeth/essential oils routine, and get myself in bed in time to get my needed sleep. Choosing priorities and routine during a season of change is self care. Choosing to accept the change and the modifications that are necessary is self care. Choosing to care for me in the most basic ways during turbulent times is self care. Its not glamorous or Insta worthy. But I am worthy of it.
So what basic self care are you choosing today? Let me know in the comments below!
I have a huge personal goal that I won’t achieve this year. I grieve that I won’t, and I accept that I am not giving up on it until I do achieve it. Because of this it is so easy for me to want to decide that 2020 was a failure. But in pausing to do the work of honestly assessing my year I realize the opposite is true, 2020 held much growth for me, opportunities unforeseen, and some personal work that I didn’t realize was needed. Over a medium such as this I want to lightly celebrate that I got to hike more this year than a “normal” year would of allowed. But let’s get real, I preach that self care can heal, that it propels us into presenting who we really are to the world, and affords us what we need to live our best lives! I want you to know that I practice what I preach, so here goes, this year I cared for my self in mind, body, and soul in these ways:
First I prioritized sleep and water, without enough of each the brain struggles to function, the body struggles, and there is no capacity for soul care. In life first things must come first, this lesson has been repeated for me throughout this whole year. In getting enough sleep, and in drinking enough water, I’ve noticed improvements in mood; ability to focus; weight management; recovery from exercise; consistent energy levels; increased initiative and follow through; and the surprising winner, increased upholding of my own boundaries! What? I know, sounds so weird, but if I’m going to put me to sleep in time I must turn off first. So I reinforced some boundaries around texting, streaming, and social media while establishing a nighttime routine that fits who I am now and what I need to get to sleep on time.
Second, I prioritized journaling. What did I have to journal about in 2020? A lot! As part of my boundaries I have been learning what needs to be processed privately in a journal, and what needs to be processed with friends. Because of the change in how we connect in 2020 I found it increasingly easy to just talk to friends over one medium or another. The problem is that my private struggles were getting left all over the place, but in taking the time to put them in my journal, to process thoroughly before discussing with a friend, not only did I benefit from the personal growth, I could then decide how to present myself in this new knowledge to said friend and keep friend time for friend stuff, not just me stuff!
Third, I admitted and began to work on my food habits. I don’t eat as consistently or as nutritiously as needed and my body pays for it. Food is so good! It cares for us like only food can! And in addressing my bad food habits I discovered a lot about other bad habits that I’ve developed! Sure I use really good supplements to support where modern food falls short, but they cannot make up for a lack of food, a lack of calories, or a lack of overall nutrients. It is easy to write a resolution of losing 20lbs and judging ones success based on a number. It is far more difficult to look at ones knowledge and behaviors and make changes accordingly. I would love to tell you that I hit my weight loss goals, but I didn’t. Instead I discovered that my bad foods habits spill over into all areas of my life and those need to be addressed too. Like I said, I did a lot of unexpected personal work this year!
Which brings me to my fourth, and final, work of self care that has brought such a change in me this year: addressing my worthiness. Through many conversations I’ve discovered most folks don’t feel worthy to care for themselves, for whatever reason they have come to believe this. I am no different. I’ve spent a lot of this year challenging these beliefs, and learning to replace the behaviors learned from them. What this looks like is me asking why I think that I’m not worthy of sleep, and instead of working hard to prove myself and losing sleep, I choose to be worthy of care and put me to sleep. Small changes that have increased my confidence, health, and mental and spiritual well-being, creating a much bigger overall change.
Please don’t write off 2020 as a failure. Pause, do the work, and agree with me and Manchester Orchestra: “Let me open my eyes and be glad that I got here.” - The Silence
