Last week I began a series of blogs on the variety of relationships we need to have in our lives, as well as the roles we play in the lives of others. This week I’m going to discuss the teachers in our lives. These are those folks that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
A little over a year ago I moved to a new state and found myself needing to build relationships with teacher type friends again. I don’t mean friends with those who teach school - though I’ve done that too - I mean making friends with those who are older than me, who have life experiences and wisdom that I can learn from. There is so much wealth of knowledge in those who have come before us, who have seen life through many decades, and who are willing to let us pick their brains and learn from their experiences that we may make better choices.
The older I get the more aware I am of my role as a teacher in the lives of those younger than me and find myself impressed by those who understand they need older women in their lives. As a society we used to live in community with people of all ages, but modern life has us locked into peer groups with work being one of the few places we might have a variety of ages around us. I am also aware of how much these younger gals give back to me, what a blessing to have reciprocal teaching. As an older mentor/teacher friend I am able to take the lessons, the important experiences, and share them in a productive way so that my young friends can avoid some of the problems I had, which is a gift to them, and a gift to me to use what felt like a horrible mess to benefit of others.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who pours into you? Whom do you pour into? If you are lacking these kinds of friends, ask yourself what keeps you from developing such relationships?
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Recently I came across data suggesting that women live longer because we come together in community, and it is in having relationships that we stay healthy longer, mentally sharp longer, and thrive longer. I have long known that humans were not made to live on an island, or in isolation, but in community. But in this modern age it is increasingly difficult to have the community we need. There are multiple types of people we need in our lives, teachers, peers, and the teachable. Let me explain.
- Teachers are those that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
- Peers are just that, friends our age who have a variety of knowledge we can tap. Sometimes they teach us, sometimes they learn from us. We walk together through life, grow together through life, and celebrate and mourn together. These are the friends we work hard to keep for as long as possible.
- The Teachable are those that are, most often, younger than us, to whom we can teach what we have learned. We are able to walk beside them and help them find their way. Sometimes for life, sometimes for a season, sometimes for just one lesson. When it comes to these folks it is important to remember that its not about you, but their journey, and you get to be a part of it.
In life every path is unique as you are the only person who has exactly your personality, with your experiences, and your needs. BUT there is always a universal theme to our struggles and growth. In my experience I have found that we each need a variety of people who have a variety of ages and experiences to help us along the way, and we need people to pour into most of all, to keep the necessary perspective on life that it is not just about us, but about our community as well. This month I am going to explore each of these roles and I hope you will sign up for this blog so that you don't miss a single thought. Comment below what role you are most excited to learn about.
Is it just me or does modern love seem like such a fleeting thing? We hear about these marriages that last for 60+ years and cannot imagine how to create a love like that. We make a thousand excuses for why we cannot find someone to marry, or for why the marriage fell apart, or for why we think long lasting love is a thing of the past. Maybe it is, maybe the problem is we have psychoanalyzed too much and now we are too logical for love. Or maybe, just maybe, we are too afraid to love.
We live in a world where everything is on film and video. The oddest things go viral in a day, and yet we all live in the fear of being seen, really and truly seen and known. The problematic outcome is that to be deeply loved we must be truly seen, good, bad, ugly, secrets, vulnerabilities, accomplishments, humiliations, weakness, and strengths. Anyone who has been loved like this knows that it can be scary because your lover can use this knowledge against you, even so, they choose to accept you anyway. They choose to speak truth to you in all of your mess, with grace and kindness because they want to see you blossom into your best self.
For me one of the most difficult aspects of a deeply intimate relationship is how they consistently show me that I see myself inaccurately. It’s not that I am completely unaware of how I am, but its that they can see my blind spots and I need the mirror of their friendship and love to show me what I cannot see in myself. Great loves have this element of friendship, where we kindly show each other these blind spots so that we can rid ourselves of that which isn’t working for us, and make space for that which will.
I’ve been thinking about the Bible verse that says “to speak the truth in love.” Which is such an interesting concept because love is a verb, its an action, so to speak the truth is an action that we are to do with in an action… I think a better translation would be to speak the truth in kindness. Or speak the truth with grace, out of a place of affection. To build the kind of relationship that lasts a life time we must be brave enough to let someone look at our flaws and speak the loving truth to help us grow through them, while simultaneously being that person for them. This is what true love is, not simply to accept, but to say, hey, lets work on being better humans together.
Helping you live your purpose with healthy relationships is what I do, so check here for a time for your free 30 minute sample session so that you can see how journeying with me will help you.
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I am frequently asked about how to make friends as an adult, as kids it was easy you just play with whomever is around. But as adults we know what we like, what we don’t like, what our boundaries are, and we have watched many of the friends we used to have disappear down other paths, or worse, have had a huge falling out and a giant wound remains in our hearts where their friendship used to live. At some point we lose enough people that we don’t want to open up anymore, we weigh the risk and then decide if the investment is worth it. As children we could freely enjoy friends, as adults we understand what kind of time, energy, and emotions it takes to be able to enjoy people the way we did when we were kids.
Then there is the challenge of keeping friends while adulting. There doesn’t seem to be enough time, energy, or reason to spend with and for our friends, much less make new ones. For those with kids it is even more difficult as kids will interrupt an adult conversation a dozen times in 20 minutes and there you are wondering what this friend thinks about you since you can’t get away from your kids or into an adult headspace. This challenge is also a great filter, since we don't have time to waste, people won't choose to hang out with you if they don't want to!
The first step in any problem is to identify it, and get really specific about what you are looking for. Sure we all want the Anne of Green Gables experience of instantly connecting to a “bosom friend” but is that realistic? As an adult I have had this experience a couple of times, but more often the lasting friendships that I have formed as an adult have come from spending time with someone and watching us grow with each other. I think it was CS Lewis who said “friends are two people who look at each other and say ‘you like this too!’” And I love this imagery. We need friends who share our weird interests, and care about us too! We also need friends who highly value what we do, it doesn't have to be exactly the same, but you cannot be friends with a liar if you highly value integrity!
Once you identify what you need in a friend, and interests that you can share with friends, the next step is to do the things! For example, I love to hike! I’ll do it alone, but it is a lot more fun with friends. (and yes! The photo here is of me hiking alone!) A few years ago an acquaintance of mine found out that I love to hike and asked to join me, I’ve lost count of how many miles we have since trekked together, but it has formed a great bond between us, and now we live hundreds of miles apart, but we keep up on the important stuff and are figuring out our next hiking trip! It sounds so simple that you will want to complicate it, don’t. Enjoy the simplicity of it!
Pro Tip: Really listen to folks when they share about things, a friend of mine heard me mention playing board games with my family and asked if I’d like to come to a game night at her place. It was fun and I met some of her friends, broadening my network. How can you know if someone likes something that you do if you don’t listen?
Most importantly, be brave! I know it is not as easy, and the more rejection you’ve had the scarier it is. But you can do this! You can invite a couple people over for dinner and board games to see how much you connect on. You can accept the invitation to a party, or small get together and see what happens. You can choose to arrive with your hands open to whatever opportunity comes, doesn’t mean you have to take those opportunities, but it will teach you how to better discern people and what you are looking for in a friend. A journey is made up of a thousand steps, but it starts with one, so take your step towards friends today!
Helping you live your purpose with healthy relationships is what I do, so check here for a time for your free 30 minute sample session so that you can see how journeying with me will help you.
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A conversation that I have frequently is about how difficult it is to make and maintain friendships as adults. A large part in this is how our time is organized on the daily. The best of intentions give way to what ever is put most urgently in front of us. Where does one meet folks that they connect to? How do we maintain relationships with folks that we don’t naturally bump into on a daily or weekly basis? And how does one organically build relationship in 2022?
The reality of relationship is that we connect with those that value in us what we most value in ourselves. Therefore we do, most often, connect to those who are actively doing the activities that we most often do, because humans naturally organize their lives around that which they value the most. So how come many feel like they are coming up short on meaningful relationships? Is it because they look through the list of people they text most frequently and cannot identify a single one as a “bosom friend?” Or is it that in connecting over one specific area of life that we struggle to connect with these same folks regarding other areas of interest? Humans have a deep need to be seen and known. It is why we long for and work so hard for intimate relationships.
I think the abnormal relationships maintained over social media also magnify this issue. It toys with the brain to have so many “friends,” and yet so few people with whom one has soul feeding relationship. It is far too easy to fall into the habit of passive relationship with folks when we can peek in on their lives through the window of social media, and not actually talk to them about those experiences. We can also justify our own busyness, as well as theirs, by glancing at social media and writing off time spent because “they are clearly too busy for me.” In doing so we devalue ourselves, and their interest in us, as well as devaluing them.
The only person in this world that you can change is you. So a great place to start is to recognize the value yourself. It continues to amaze me how quickly people who aren’t quality walk on in life instead of trying to be my friend once they learn that I know my value, that I reinforce my boundaries, and so they cannot manipulate me and have their way with me. It sounds too simple to work, and yet it does every time!
Another tool I use is to set measurable intentions of friendship. This sounds cold and clinical and not at all friendly, but it can benefit one to assess where a relationship actually stands. Are we just acquaintances? Do I connect with them enough to invest in this to become friends? Are they showing me mutual interest? How does this look in practice? Recently I had a coffee with a friend after she told me for 2 months straight that she wanted to. Initially I tried to schedule a time but she was too busy, so I stepped back because I realized if it really mattered to her she would make the time, and sure enough it happened because we both wanted it, and one of us wasn’t forcing the other. It can be easy to put a friendship off balance, you may need to step back, or you may need to come to a conscious realization of why you are holding back and either step up or step out. Remember that we teach people how to have relationship with us, so if people aren’t treating you the way you want to be treated, and aren’t willing to relearn you, then it is probably time to walk away.
Finally, remember the saying: make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold. It is no small feat to keep a friend for decades. My BFF and I can attest to this after over 25 years of friendship! It is far too easy to grow apart, not appreciate the person the other becomes, resent them for growing when you are not, and vice versa. But there is a great value in someone who sees you for who you really are, flaws and all, and loves you enough to speak truth and life into your best, and your darkest, days. The balance of enduring friendship in this modern age is that it often comes over time and distance. I have some dear friends whom I haven’t seen in years, but we talk as we are able and celebrate what is going on in each other’s journeys, while bearing with and praying for each other in the tough times. The depth of our affection isn’t equated to time spent, but how we each truly care for the other and make that effort out of our affection for the other, not out of what we expect in return.
Friendship isn’t actually easy at any age. We are just more aware of it as we mature and realize what we value most in life and that we want to be surrounded by like-minded folks, and now to make that happen.
I will write more soon. Until then, let me know below how this helped you.
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