Last week I began a series of blogs on the variety of relationships we need to have in our lives, as well as the roles we play in the lives of others. This week I’m going to discuss the teachers in our lives. These are those folks that pour into us, mentors, coaches, older friends who have gone before us in life and know how to help us walk through life in a way that is healthy and beneficial. Sometimes they walk with us through most of our lives, sometimes they are there for a season or just one lesson.
A little over a year ago I moved to a new state and found myself needing to build relationships with teacher type friends again. I don’t mean friends with those who teach school - though I’ve done that too - I mean making friends with those who are older than me, who have life experiences and wisdom that I can learn from. There is so much wealth of knowledge in those who have come before us, who have seen life through many decades, and who are willing to let us pick their brains and learn from their experiences that we may make better choices.
The older I get the more aware I am of my role as a teacher in the lives of those younger than me and find myself impressed by those who understand they need older women in their lives. As a society we used to live in community with people of all ages, but modern life has us locked into peer groups with work being one of the few places we might have a variety of ages around us. I am also aware of how much these younger gals give back to me, what a blessing to have reciprocal teaching. As an older mentor/teacher friend I am able to take the lessons, the important experiences, and share them in a productive way so that my young friends can avoid some of the problems I had, which is a gift to them, and a gift to me to use what felt like a horrible mess to benefit of others.
I challenge you to take a moment to assess the type of friends that you have, who pours into you? Whom do you pour into? If you are lacking these kinds of friends, ask yourself what keeps you from developing such relationships?
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What is it about how we women were raised that we are willing to wobble so easily on our boundaries? Is it the fear that we will be viewed as cruel for holding them? Is it our nurturing way to want to forgive, heal, and help them grow so they can come back into our lives? Or is it the doubt we have of ourselves?
I heard a great description of boundaries the other day, it’s not just the wall you put up, but the door that lets people in. Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they are about helping them understand how to be a part of your life. So if you feel like you are cruel, rude, or a snob for having boundaries, check that with this question: do I have a way for them to get in? Not sneak in, but a path in that includes the behaviors that you need to see in them so that you can begin to trust them? If there is no path back then it is not a boundary, but a cut off, which doesn’t allow for either of you to grow. Hence the need for a path back in through growth and change.
I have had the pleasure of living in different areas of the USA long enough to really engage with the various cultures, and this next struggle looks different based on how you were raised, but as women we want to see the best in people, we want to see them live their best lives, we want to see them grow and thrive, its the nurturing in us. But we also have a bad habit of not giving things enough time to grow. It takes time to grow and change behavior, and it is easier to fake change than actually change. The proof is in the pudding, so wait for the pudding before wobbling your boundary.
This last question can be a whole blog series! And maybe I will. But for today, I am asking me this question too: Is this real, or am I doubting what I know? While I know the mind is tricky and we all have twisted thinking, I know how often I doubt me and the things that I know to be true, for what ever reason. Even more so I talk with ladies all the time who do this as well. I have been asking me lately that if I know something to be true, then what is raising doubt about this person or situation? Facts withstand questioning. Lies crumble.
As you look at that wobbling boundary today, what is causing the wobble? Drop a comment below so we can celebrate your success, and help you wobble but not fall.
If you are looking for more information on setting boundaries I have 3 Keys for setting Boundaries, you can get it for free here!
Over the holidays I heard a quote that really challenged me, but that I won’t quote accurately, it was something like “Do the stories you tell in public match how you live in private?” The obvious challenge here is to see if my actions match my words in both public and private spaces. The greater challenge that I find in this quote is to question the stories I tell myself in private, do those align with who I really am and how I live?
Throughout our lives no one talks to us more than we do to ourselves. The internal dialogue we have shapes not only how we view the world, but how we view ourselves, and from these viewpoints we present who we are, or who we think we are supposed to be, to the world in public and private spaces.
It seems to be easy to fake it until you make it, to pretend to be what you want to become, but inside you know the truth and the part of you that so deeply longs to be seen, known, and loved as you truly are does not allow you to believe that you are someone that are are not. This is not to say that you don’t need to change, and grow, and become more tomorrow than you are today, but to say that there is a great value in living authentically and with integrity. It can also be scary, especially if you have often experienced negative responses to the parts of you that you like the most, for example, if you like that you are a kind person, but you have been brutally mocked for this kindness.
As you consider how you want to show up in the world, both in public and private spaces you may hear those negative thoughts race through your mind “you aren’t really kind, you are selfish and only do nice things for others so they like you and do nice things back.” How you handle this inner dialogue will make all the difference as you become who you truly are and create the life you actually want. As a coach this is what I do. It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself and give into those voices, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of what you think is expected of you. I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min session here.
I have some clients who have done so much work, reached so many goals, that they only check in with me from time to time when they need an outside perspective, some encouragement, and the reminder of how far they have come. I am always happy to hear how they are doing, and to celebrate their wins, so I happily receive these calls.
The reality of life is that we get so caught up in our own minds, and all that is normal about our own experiences that we need to check in with someone periodically to make sure we are on the right path. After making some serious changes to our perspective and world, we need someone to remind us that we are on the right path because it feels wrong and abnormal.
This is also why we need encouragement, we need to be celebrated for continuing the change. It is super easy to slip back into old habits and ways, while not as easy to recalibrate our lives and maintain the new normal. Initially the new normal feels weird, it takes time to feel comfortable there, so when you are making new choices in a new normal, it takes encouragement to believe in your ability to do new things.
Which is why I love it when these clients who have “graduated” coaching call me back for a brief check up. I get to see how far they have come, how much self confidence they have developed, and how much of what we worked through is continually applied in their lives. I have to celebrate their work, growth, and journey! I even celebrate that they have reached a place where all they need is a brief check up!
Coaching is such an amazing way to take your life to the level you have been longing for. One where you thrive; are safe; have relationships that feed you as well as be fed by you; and where you are growing into the goals and life you were made for! It is so easy to look at where you are now and give up on yourself, but you don’t have to. You can become the person you were made to be, and not just the product of whatever happened to you. As a coach, this is what I do, and I look forward to helping you! You can schedule a free, 30 min sample session here.
If you aren’t ready for coaching, but are you looking for a free community where you can ask questions, learn, and grow as a person, then check out my community group.
Every time someone asks me what my 5 year plan is I cringe, visibly. I struggle to make 5 year plans for a variety of reasons, maybe you do too, but I’m good at setting and meeting goals. So instead of plans, let’s talk about your goals, because without goals, there are no plans!
The first step in goal setting is to make sure that your goals are in line with what you value, if not you will not achieve the goal, and it will cause you conflict with yourself. Most of the time when I see this struggle it is because there is an expectation that is put on you by your family, friends, or culture. This does not make the expectation bad, and it does not mean that your family and friends don’t know you, it simply means that there is something they find wonderful and want you to have the same wonderful thing in your life. What matters here is to put that expectation in the right place, and to make sure your goals align with your values.
The second step in goal setting is to see how your goals overlap with each other instead of conflicting. Think of those diagrams with circles that overlap a little bit, or a lot. For example: I love hiking and have a life goal of hiking as long and as far as I can. So goals that overlap this are to live around mountains, keeping my body healthy and strong, and to have a career that allows me to hike as much as possible.
The last step in goal setting that I’ll discuss today is that your goals are reasonable, measurable, and attainable. Setting a goal of being a billionaire who lives on a private island sounds amazing. But it may be too far out of reach today, so you will need to set smaller goals to achieve first. The snowball effect shows us that by achieving small goals you will roll through bigger and bigger goals because you have the energy and proof of attaining the goals along the way. There is nothing wrong with dreaming big as long as you are willing to do the hard work of making the smaller dreams a reality along the way to the big one.
Remember that Goals are how
I live my faith.
I spend my time.
I spend my energy.
I use my body.
I spend money.
I make memories.
I experience success.
I want to be remembered.
After you take a few minutes to ponder each of these questions, comment below what you are discovering about yourself and your goals!
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