One of the great lessons on my healing journey has been to realize that even though the pain from a prolonged struggle means that I am able to handle far more than I’ll let on, I don’t have to. I don’t have to continue to put myself into situations of intense stress and anxiety; verbal abuse; or worse. If I find myself in that kind of environment, I have permission to get out, and so do you.
It is difficult to heal in the place that wounded you. It is even more difficult to heal in a place that continues to reinjure you. Having walked along side abuse survivors I have observed time and again how they get out of horrific abuse, and find themselves in another abusive situation to a lesser degree. This is often repeated until they can get to a place that is more healthy than abusive. (Lets be real, in this world it is very difficult to get away from people who are all too happy to get ahead at whatever it costs everyone else as long as they are fine.) Where ever you are on your journey, don’t give up! Here are a couple thoughts on moving forward:
Remember that you are exactly where you need to be on your journey! However you got here is a path uniquely yours, and you have made it! Gold Star!!! ⭐️ Celebrate the progress you have made because you’ve made it! You have done the hard work, made the tough choices, walked away from those whom seek to harm you, and have worked to create a safe environment for yourself. You have released volumes of emotions via tears, screaming, and maybe even punching even if it was just the air. And you have made it here. Do not compare your journey to anyone else, for yours is yours alone, and theirs is theirs.
Don’t stay here! Take the step in front of you, and don’t worry about the whole road. It is so easy to get caught up in where we want to be that we neglect what needs to be done here and now to get us there. Don’t worry about the next mile, focus on the step in front of you and the work to be done here. If you are feeling stuck reach out for help. You’ve got this.
You may be wondering how a life coach can help, quite simply I help you embrace the true you and to move forward to your goals, working through all that trips you up and holds you back so that you can continue to heal and live life to the fullest. If you want to see for yourself how this works click here to schedule your free 30 minute sample session.
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I am frequently asked about how to make friends as an adult, as kids it was easy you just play with whomever is around. But as adults we know what we like, what we don’t like, what our boundaries are, and we have watched many of the friends we used to have disappear down other paths, or worse, have had a huge falling out and a giant wound remains in our hearts where their friendship used to live. At some point we lose enough people that we don’t want to open up anymore, we weigh the risk and then decide if the investment is worth it. As children we could freely enjoy friends, as adults we understand what kind of time, energy, and emotions it takes to be able to enjoy people the way we did when we were kids.
Then there is the challenge of keeping friends while adulting. There doesn’t seem to be enough time, energy, or reason to spend with and for our friends, much less make new ones. For those with kids it is even more difficult as kids will interrupt an adult conversation a dozen times in 20 minutes and there you are wondering what this friend thinks about you since you can’t get away from your kids or into an adult headspace. This challenge is also a great filter, since we don't have time to waste, people won't choose to hang out with you if they don't want to!
The first step in any problem is to identify it, and get really specific about what you are looking for. Sure we all want the Anne of Green Gables experience of instantly connecting to a “bosom friend” but is that realistic? As an adult I have had this experience a couple of times, but more often the lasting friendships that I have formed as an adult have come from spending time with someone and watching us grow with each other. I think it was CS Lewis who said “friends are two people who look at each other and say ‘you like this too!’” And I love this imagery. We need friends who share our weird interests, and care about us too! We also need friends who highly value what we do, it doesn't have to be exactly the same, but you cannot be friends with a liar if you highly value integrity!
Once you identify what you need in a friend, and interests that you can share with friends, the next step is to do the things! For example, I love to hike! I’ll do it alone, but it is a lot more fun with friends. (and yes! The photo here is of me hiking alone!) A few years ago an acquaintance of mine found out that I love to hike and asked to join me, I’ve lost count of how many miles we have since trekked together, but it has formed a great bond between us, and now we live hundreds of miles apart, but we keep up on the important stuff and are figuring out our next hiking trip! It sounds so simple that you will want to complicate it, don’t. Enjoy the simplicity of it!
Pro Tip: Really listen to folks when they share about things, a friend of mine heard me mention playing board games with my family and asked if I’d like to come to a game night at her place. It was fun and I met some of her friends, broadening my network. How can you know if someone likes something that you do if you don’t listen?
Most importantly, be brave! I know it is not as easy, and the more rejection you’ve had the scarier it is. But you can do this! You can invite a couple people over for dinner and board games to see how much you connect on. You can accept the invitation to a party, or small get together and see what happens. You can choose to arrive with your hands open to whatever opportunity comes, doesn’t mean you have to take those opportunities, but it will teach you how to better discern people and what you are looking for in a friend. A journey is made up of a thousand steps, but it starts with one, so take your step towards friends today!
Helping you live your purpose with healthy relationships is what I do, so check here for a time for your free 30 minute sample session so that you can see how journeying with me will help you.
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